Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/28/2008

Question
QUESTION: My boyfriend and I have been dating for nearly 6 months.  2 months ago we went to Thailand together for nearly 3 weeks.  I thought the time was great and I also saw huge potential for a future with us.  Sometimes our relationship seems to go 'stagnant' - and he expressed this last night to me.  I agree with him, however, when he said that he thought our time in Thailand was "OK", given the stage of our relationship we were at, and that nothing has progressed since, and that I'm not getting close enough to his friends (!??), I became really hurt and thus broke up with him.  I am dying inside and I thought he was truly the one.  I don't really feel like moving on, or living for that matter.  I don't know what my "question" is, sorry :(

ANSWER: Hi Richelle,
Maybe you didn't have a question, but you needed to vent.  My question is why did you break up with him because he was giving you some honest feedback about your relationship?  If you really want to be with him isn't the healthy way to conduct the relationship by working on the issues together?  Maybe the 2 of you are feeling stagnant because you spend too much time together?  Maybe you need to both develop outside interests and then come together as a couple?  I know that when we hear things that we don't necessarily want to hear or that hurt us - our initial reaction is to run.  He was trying to be honest and even though you may not agree with what he is saying you have to listen to what it is that he is saying.  If you really love him and think that he is the one than you may need to talk to him and try to work on your "running" techniques because life is difficult enough and so are relationships.  We want to feel as though we can go to the person that we are with and say anything to them without the fear of consequences.  Good Luck and I hope this helps

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for reply.  Could you do my huge favour and read his email to me below:  I am crushed... I don't even want to live...:
Hi,
I read your journal entry and it made me feel horrible and guilty and sad. I really didn’t understand how much your feelings for me had grown, and I absolutely didn’t expect for things to escalate like they did on Sunday night. I wanted to discuss our relationship and certainly didn’t intend for us to break-up over an instant messenger chat session, but I think you were scared and worried and quickly drew conclusions from what I was saying. That said, perhaps they were the correct conclusions after all.
Richelle, you know that you’re a beautiful, strong, intelligent girl. For those reasons and more I was attracted to you, and early on I was very optimistic about our relationship. We did have a somewhat rocky start (ie/ Halloween), but things smoothed over as we approached our trip to Thailand. I’m not sure how much of it was that we both just pushed to make it work for Thailand and how much of it was sincere, but I do know we had some really good times and that I had a wonderful time with you in Thailand. I will cherish those memories always.
When I got back from our trip I took an honest look at how I felt about our relationship and I did have my doubts though, mostly because I really felt like we should have formed a deeper connection by then but it just didn’t seem to be happening, and I couldn’t understand why. Still, I was worried that it was just my subconscious not allowing it to happen, so I decided to shelve my doubts for the time being and simply immerse myself in trying to make it work, ignoring some of the things that worried me including our level of communication, your unwillingness to naturally volunteer information about yourself and your past despite what should have been an increasing intimacy, your interactions with my friends (which is very important to me), and a lot of the little things that I really feel need to be natural for a relationship to be enduring.
So I didn’t bring anything up because I really don’t believe you should want or need to change many things about the person you’re with. Yes, there will always be things about that person that you don’t like, but you learn to live with them and choose to find them endearing or you don’t. I think I started being honest with myself about these things and started realizing that perhaps we just weren’t as good a match as we both hoped, because I simply couldn’t make myself find those things endearing. If I couldn’t do that, then I wouldn’t be able to be happy, and I’d never fully be able to make you happy, which is what you deserve and what I hope for you.
As I started realizing this I started pulling away a little bit, and eventually you sensed it and here we are.

I think that love is a fickle and complicated thing, and the promise of it with someone with a lot of potential often clouds your judgment. For some people it’s clouded for years, for some people it’s weeks. Some people are lucky enough that when the clouds clear, they realize they’ve happened upon a person who they connect with and are in tune with, but sometimes it works the opposite way. I’ve had a lot of trouble setting aside the romantic ideas of someone early enough, often enough, and honestly enough to really think about the little things and whether the girl I’m with could really be the one I will be with for the rest of my life. I’m sorry it took so long for me to come to this conclusion about us, and I’m so sorry that it isn’t currently the same opinion you hold, but I do think there are good reasons that we don’t stay together, and it’s the best thing for both of us. I also think you’ll probably come to realize this is true when you do find the person that you really truly connect with.
I think you have so much potential as a person and if you continue growing the way you are that you will achieve your dreams, and I’m so excited for you. I know that you’ve taught me some things about what a great woman is, and I can only hope I’ve taught you some things about what to expect in a man and a healthy relationship. I hope you can forgive me for all of the things I didn’t do right – I definitely have my faults and if you think it would help me, I would ask that you tell me about them and how I might improve myself in the future. I can only thank you for being able to see past them and loving me nonetheless.
Please don’t let your experience with me jade you on love. You are so sweet and I never ever doubted your sincerity, and I believe that’s something you should hold on to. That is one of the many things I love and respect about you.
So while I hope you eventually forgive me as you move on and find your true love, I won’t be so naive as to ask for your forgiveness any time soon. Do know that I will be available to you as a friend when you need one, though I do think we will both need a healing period. I do hope that you can see the brightness ahead, as dim as it may be at this moment, and eventually look back on our time together with fondness, rather than pain. I know I will, and I will miss you deeply though I feel we shouldn’t be together.
Thank you for everything. I’m sorry.
Scott.

ANSWER: Dear Richelle,
Now you know that I am extremely honest and sometimes honesty hurts, but I want to help you get through this difficult time.  As much as this email that he sent you hurts - be grateful for his absolute honesty and realize that this man does care about you as a person and loves you as a person even if he is not in love with you.  As painful as it is to read this email and accept that it is over - you must understand that most people don't put forth the effort to be this honest and caring so, it is obvious that he has the upmost respect for you and your feelings even if you don't feel that way right now.  The hardest part of a breakup is acceptance.  Once we accept the rejection and the fact that it is over - we are able to start to move on.  I highly suggest that you may want to find a professional to talk to who can help you deal with past issues that may still be haunting you.  It works wonders.  I also suggest that you surround yourself with friends and family that love you and lean on them for support during this very difficult time.  Please make no contact with Scott as he has asked for a healing period, but I do think maybe a year down the road or so.... this man has the potential to be a dear friend to you - when both of you have moved on with your lives.  My concern is that you are allowing your past to hurt your future situations.  I know many people who have done that and we truly can't be in a happy and healthy relationship until we deal with those "issues."  Sometimes you are going to have to cry and be upset and miss him terrible... but, the sooner you are willing to accept it - the easier it starts to become.... Please start the process for yourself.... second by second... minute by minute.... good luck..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks so much for that.  I have begun the acceptance period and and not doing too bad.  I thought you were going to say "a year down the road you may get back together" - isn't that possible?

Also, what do you mean about possible letting my past haunt me - are you saying you think I did this during Scott and my relationship?

Thanks so much again =)6

Answer
Hi Richelle,
I am glad that you are starting to deal with the situation as is... It's not easy, but baby steps are what get us to where we need to be - slowly but surely... Also, I think that your past issues could hurt you with anything that you do in your life and any relationship that you may have if you don't get ok with yourself first.  Once you are okay with you - you learn a lot about what you want, don't want, etc... It's very empowering... Good Luck and I hope that you continue to do well..