Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/27/2008

Question
I am in the process of a breakup with my boyfriend. He broke things off (as he has a few times in the past..when he feels down on life) but its different this time. It's final. I've done nothing wrong he just has some demons that he hasn't been able to let go of from years ago in our relationship. I now have enough sense not to blame myself for this & realize I shouldn't have let him come back all the other times if he couldn't move forward & kept looking back. I've wasted 5 yrs of my life playing wife to him and stepmother to his daughter. I'm REALLY hurt but trying to be responsible in MY actions. Anyway, the thing is.. He has a daughter that will be 6 in May and which he has custody of. I'm 33 & don't have any children of my own...her & I are VERY close (our bond has really deepened over the last year really (no breakups in this time)..her mother in this case is a deadbeat (its why he has custody) and I have been like a mother to her and she like a daughter to me. I love her SO much...we've done SO many things together over the years..just her & I...we've hugged and loved...I've helped raise her & I know I've been a positive force in her life. Until this breakup I would see her about 4 times a week. It's been 2 weeks now...I'm picking up my final things this weekend and I just want to know if I should say anything to her. I'm in SO much pain over this myself...not only losing him but her (did I mention I LOVE children & not even sure I can have any...I have bad fibroids). He hasn't said anything to her about the breakup and I think he just plans to avoid the discussion with her although she's been asking when I'm coming over. Abandonment issues in his family...father left...he never felt loved by mother..etc. I don't want this little girl that I love so much to think I have abandoned her and for her to have scars. Maybe I'm letting my feelings too much in & she'll be just fine. I dunno. If there was a better way to deal with this I think my ex would be open to it...so my question is should I talk to her when I get my final things from him or just avoid seeing her and tell myself I have to forget her? Thanks for your help!

Answer
Hi Lisa,
I think that what your feeling is normal given the circumstances and you are an admirable woman for doing what you did for this young girl.  Even though she isn't your responsibility you had taken on the responsibility to care for her.  I wouldn't be the bearer of bad news - I would allow her father to do that and own that.  Please don't look at this situation as "wasting 5 years of your life" because you developed special bonds and I am sure you learned a lot about yourself, what you want, what you expect, etc from this experience.  Unfortunately, there are times in our life where we wish that we would have learned the lesson a lot quicker, but it differs for everyone so, I definitely wouldn't beat myself up over it.  It also shows that you are a woman of amazing character who - when you meet the right person will be able to give all of those great things to someone who deserves it.  And you are very right to finally realize that "his issues" are "his issues" and ones that you cannot help him deal with.  If you see her I would give her a great big hug and let her know how much you love her.  If she hears the news before you get there and asks you questions - I would let her know that its not her fault and that the worst part of the breakup is that you aren't going to be around her as much, but that you want to be and every night you will think about her and you want her to remember you.  This is so difficult and I wish you the best of luck.... Heartbreaking...