Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/7/2008

Question
I was living with someone for 8 years and he had a alcohol/coke problem for approximately the whole relationship.  We had some problems with his attitude and controlling issues but I stood by him because I loved him and I thought he loved me. I wanted to have a child and I could not get pregnant only if I did invitrofertilization.  He was totally against it - he had a child from a previous marriage. I accepted that and figured we would just travel and do other things in life but I always wanted one but he made it quite clear he did not want children. We had a house (mortgage in my name), we had a boat (loan in my name), we had a credit card (in my name) and then about 1 and 3 months ago he came home and just said he was leaving he needed to be FREE! and he left.  Then soon to be found out - he was living with someone else who had gotten pregnant when he cheated on me and had a baby boy with her. I am devastated and broken hearted. Why do i still think of him and wish that this didn't happen to me?  He still calls when hes drunk or rings the bell and of course I let him in because I miss him.  I am emotionally messed up. Why would I want a person like this in my life? He makes all these promises to me and then when he leaves I don't hear from him for 1 or 2 months and then he calls again. I feel so humiliated sometimes - I feel like I lost something good. What is wrong with me? Why would I want someone like this in my life? I feel like emotionally I cant take it anymore but I still work - 2 jobs - I have to keep the house going and pay all the bills by myself now. I feel like I got the dirty end of the stick. I wish I feel better already - but I think about him all the time.  What should I do?

Answer
Denise... there are a couple or reasons why you could want this to work out... The most common reason(s) are because you don't feel good about yourself and believe that you deserve better ( you may know that you deserve better ) but, you don't BELIEVE it... Kick him out of your life and leave him there - no answering the phone, text messages, visits, etc... you have already invested 8 years into a bad investment.... want to go another 8?  Please no... You may have wanted to take care of him and make everything right for him... which is why you have accumulated all of the bills..... The absolute emotional betrayal - unacceptable... period... you need to pick up the pieces of yourself and move on.  You can't help someone with an addiction problem if they don't want to help themselves and unfortunately, its usually too late.. they have to hit rock bottom but that is his problem not yours.... Here is what I think you should do..... make the decision to keep him out of your life (what good do you honestly think was in that relationship) anyway, keep him out of your life - cry cry cry - and start working on yourself... eat, sleep, shower, work, and take care of you - the basics... you may want to go and see a counselor to help you get through this.  Then, every day devote an hour to something that you enjoy doing or finding something you enjoy doing... surround yourself with family and friends that love you - meet new people (don't jump into another situation) and take this time to rediscover and reinvent yourself.... Now is a good time to do all of the things that you always wanted to do, but never could.... and each day - it gets a little easier, but it is a long process... I wish you the best... one thing I promise you is that if you don't keep him out of your life completely - you will not be able to feel good.... Good luck