Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/27/2008

Question
My boyfriend broke up with me after 3 blissful months. We (both mid-30s) know each other through close mutual friends and have met at previous social functions through them. Three months ago, the stars aligned, we were both available and hit it off instantly. People commented on how happy we were together. We were VERY.

We both agree strongly with the following:
- totally happy with the budding relationship
- really enjoy each others company immensely
- great sex, great chemistry
- have similar values
- like each others friends
- both are mentally stimulated
- always put a smile on each others faces
- miss each other like crazy if we don't see each other frequently and when away, email/phone regularly
- both have the same life goals (kids, travel, self-employed)
- he thinks I'd make a great mom, I think he'd make a great dad

Out of left field, he broke up with me and attributed it to one two incidences where I got excitable during a hot topic discussion. As it turned out, he misinterpreted it, wet

We talked at length with each other; it is clear he is emotionally attached to me. He has a past history of making monumental decisions hastily.

He's had two longer term dysfunctional relationships that involved drama, break-up/get back together, verbal abuse (he was on the receiving end), etc.  to the extent where he sought counselling to break-away for good. He also has stresses with his mom and is an only child of divorced parents. Most of his close friends are married and having babies now.

Finally, as a last resort he said "I dont see myself married to you or having kids with you." I actually don't believe him (and it's not the ego in me). He never would have dated me beyond one month if that was the case. (Too much social accountability with mutual friends involved.)  I think he might not be ready. He commented that "I dont feel like I've made it in my career".

Regardless, I am heartbroken. He wants to be friends. I said   it would be too difficult given the physical attraction. He wants to continue talking...I'm not into playing games.

His friends said to him "You're a bleeping idiot for letting her go - she's amazing."

When I asked him when he had his epiphany moment, he said the day before(!!???). How can he give "us" so little thought and treat our relationship so flippantly?  Two days before the breakup, we made plans to ski, spend time together on the weekend, etc. We had one of those "magic moments" together that couples when together and both agreed it would be etched in our brains forever.

I think I love him. I know I can't keep false hope and need to move on. But the break up DOESNT MAKE SENSE. Even his friends don't get it because they saw how happy he was, we were together.  

Can anyone shed some light?? I'm level-headed and mature and  know what I need to do -- MOVE ON. But can you tell me something that will make me feel better? (Other than time heals all wounds). I feel awful.  

Answer
Dear Margarita,
Most of the time - breakups don't make sense.  But, the bottom line and most important thing is that it is a breakup - we can psychoanalyze the other person, ourselves, the relationship, etc. but, the bottom line is .... he just isn't that into you.  It doesn't matter what his previous relationships were like, it doesn't matter where he is in his career right now, it doesn't matter what your mutual friends think, etc.  What matters is that he is telling you point blank - that he doesn't see himself with you.  Of course, he wants to be friends - that is the easy way out... having the great things that you have to offer without a commitment.  It's highly unlikely to have a healthy friendship with someone so soon after a breakup - typically there is a  90 day rule where you have no contact with that person so, that the two of you can move on.  The rejection is hard to deal with - the acceptance is even harder especially when you feel that the relationship was really "clicking."  But, you have to listen to what he is saying and move on ..... someone deserves your fabulous self and it obviously isn't him..... Start to accept and moving on will be a little easier.... Good Luck and I hope this helps.....