Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/22/2008

Question
my boyfriend and i have a ldr for about a year we met through work he is 46 i'm 49 we fell in love and were best friends before we ever slept toghter he was 2 move in with me in about 2 weeks he had just left and we had a great time except he was a little quite but is said that the surgery he just had for prostate cancer was bothering him then the day after he gets home he tells me he doesn't want this any more and that he needs to be alone tells me his sorry and still wants to be friends, now won't answer my calls and he's 600 miles away so i can't just go confront him..he said give him a couple days alone and he would call i coudln't stand it so i called him quite a few times till i finally got him to answer and he said why can't you just let me call when i'm ready...the day before he left he talked about everything we were going to do when he got back the next week i just don't understand what could be going on he's saying it him not me but not telling me what..he did also make some comments ont he fact that he felt like he left things unsaid at home and that he missed his kids which are 19 and 22 and he was very close to them...any ideas or suggestions on what to do...i really loved him and i know he loved me too he was always worried that i was going to dumpe him, now he did it to me please help confused and alone...

Answer
Hi Debbie,
Not that there is ever any excuse for someone to just drop out of our lives without us feeling rejected, but he went through a traumatic experience and is asking you to give him some time.  Even though you want answers and you want everything to be back to the way it was - he doesn't right now.  The best thing you can do is live your life to the fullest and give him the space that he has asked for.  There is nothing that you can do right now that will make him want to talk to you or explain anything to you.  He has to want to do that on his own time and if and when he decides it is the right time - trust me you will hear from him.  By continuing to call him when he has asked for his space you are just going to push him further and further away.  He may not have any answers for you right now - he may be dealing with a lot of stuff - there are a lot of "maybes" right now.  I wouldn't suggest putting my life on hold and waiting for him to come around - I would suggest that you start creating your own life and finding new things to occupy your time.  You need to feel good about you and know that you deserve a phone call and you deserve for someone to live up to their word.... you don't want someone to run away everytime there is a problem.  So, take each day as it comes - do the things that you need to do on a regular basis and figure out what it is that you want.  Try not to allow your life to revolve around anyone, but yourself.... I know easier said than done, but this is the way that you care about yourself and don't accept behavior that doesn't make you feel good.  In time you may hear from him - you may not - and even if you do hear from him it may not be the answers that you are looking for so, you need to prepare yourself with your own fabulous life..... Good luck and I wish you the best during this very difficult time...