Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/22/2008

Question
Dear Erica,

My boyfriend of a year exactly broke up with me two weeks ago today.  We had a fight where he was seeming to want to go out with his friends more and worried about losing his friends, so I took it as he was wanting to spend less time with me.  I was wrong and said I wouldnt wait around for a guy that wanted to go out with his friends all the time ( I was totally wrong) and he just went crazy.  I said "fine, its over" to cut a long story short, he wouldnt talk to me, touch me or let me near him for two days (we were still sleeping in the same bed) and he wouldnt allow any contact whatsoever and wouldnt even let me open my mouth to speak, he just was so angry.

Anyway after two days of that, he finally asked me out of the blue to get my stuff and move out of his place which I have done.  He kept saying I had finished it when he knew I didnt mean it.  Kept shouting and actually pushed me off of him shouting, its not going to work and that it was over.  I was devastated and begged and cried for him back (thats pretty much all ive done the last two weeks). I have given him space also for like a few days at a time but when I text him he just says its over and theres no going back, that its killing him but we will just have to get used to it. He says its over and thats it but never say never but that he doesnt want to give me false hope.  Please help. Do you think it is over? He keeps saying it can never go back to the way it used to be before our arguments( we have had a few over the last month) and he seems adamant that it will never be the same and that things have changed. Please help! What can I do?

Answer
Dear Debbie,
Ok... so, here is the deal... you need to accept the fact that a breakup is just that .... a breakup.... the hardest part of a breakup is acceptance, but the sooner you accept it... the easier it is to deal with.  That's first.  Next, you need to stop making contact with him and/or accepting his contact because you are basically saying that this relationship will and always will be on his terms.... nope... you are worth more than that.  I am a firm believer that couples do need time for themselves because we all need a breather... we all need to have seperate interests so that we can bring something to the relationship.  Maybe the way you went about it was wrong, but so what.... we all make mistakes and for that to be a reason to end it is just an excuse.... This man obviously has his own agenda... he obviously doesn't want to be in a relationship with you and has made that decision.  Now... you need to go and create a fantastic life for your fabulous self.... you need to find new people, new things to do, and new enjoyments.  Keep in mind that this was his decision - keep your self dignity and self respect and live a great life... Do you really want to be with someone who doesn't want to be with you?  Do you really want to convince someone that they should be with you???? NO... you deserve more than that.... and I know that this is going to hurt for awhile, but the sooner you start taking care of you (and please don't jump into another situation) the better you are going to feel.... recreate and reinvent your life.... its a great feeling... Good Luck and I hope this helps...