Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/10/2008

Question
QUESTION: My girlfriend recently broke up with me saying she needed some time to figure things out for herself.  We have dating for almost 3 years and have had our minor fights.  We have also "broken up" for about a month but continued to talk during that time.  She needs me to figure out if I really want to be in the relationship and she says she needs to make sure she is ok with making big decisions in her own life.  She wants to casually date for a few months (she's 3 hours away) with a possibility of getting back together. We used to talk every night and now she wants to tone it down a  lot.  
I love this girl so much and want to be with her.  She wants to know that I am committed to this relationship.  I let her know that I can see myself with her for the rest of my life but that I'm not ready to get married anytime in the near future.  I can't think or do anything else since the breakup (its been 4 days now).  I'm feeling really depressed and don't know what to do... to make it worse, my two best friends who were my roommates moved out two days ago.  They are still there for me but it's awful lonely in my house by myself.  How do I get through a couple of months without her  while giving her the space/time she needs?

ANSWER: Dan,
I would love to be able to tell you that this is going to be easy, but its not.... no contact is a great way to start.  When you continue to have contact there are mixed emotions and hopeful thoughts that get in the way of making a good decision.  Taking time apart doesn't mean - lets see what happens if other things don't work out for me - taking time apart means... see if you are happy without having me in your life at all.  That is the way that it should be done because staying in contact is just keeping you from moving on with no guarantee that she is coming back anyway.  I think that it is fantastic that you are able to be honest with yourself and know that you aren't in any position to get married right now.... That is wonderful.  Some days are going to be easier than others... you have to try and find some new friends, surround yourself with old ones, find things that you enjoy doing, spend some time reinventing and creating a great life for yourself... paint the walls, clean out the closets, cry, go see a movie by yourself... whatever you can do to occupy your time and little by little you will start to feel better - I promise.  Sometimes you will just have to get through moment by moment and then you will start smiling again eventually and it will be real.... The last thing you want to do is jump into another situation to just replace the one that you got out of... transitional situations never work... I hope this helps and good luck...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey Erica,

Thanks for the advice - it has helped alot!  I am about to be on day 10 of no contact and it has gotten a little better each day although some days there seems to be rough spots.  

Here's my dilemma now...

When we last spoke (10 days ago) I told her that we shouldn't talk and she immediately said thats not what she wanted to do.  After a while, we decided mutually that we wouldn't speak or have any contact for 3 weeks.  

Its been going real tough but I'm getting through it.  My question is, when she calls (now in 2 weeks from today) if she tells me that she isn't ready to give us another shot I know I'm gonna be devastated.  On the other hand, I would really love to talk to her and see how she has been.  At worst case, I want to be her to be in my life as a friend as we were best friends during our relationship; I just know I can't do that right now.

What do you think I should when she calls? I've considered emailing her the night before and asking her not to call if she's not ready to work on us.  Though if I do that and she doesn't call, I know I'll be just as hurt.  I don't know what to do, its consuming a lot of my thoughts,  and it's still 2 weeks away!  Any ideas?

Answer
Dan,
The best thing that you could do for you right now is to prepare for her not to call you.  To start building your life as if she isn't going to be in it.  Another hard thing to deal with during a breakup is hanging on to hope.  We all do that.... hope is so powerful when we are hurting.... hope is that litte bit of comfort that we reach out for.  I think that you should really focus in on you and your life right now.  I don't think that 3 weeks is long enough to make such a big decision.  I don't even think there should be a time limit.  Because its like saying... go do whatever you want for the next 3 weeks, but then you better be ready to give me an answer.  I think the easiest and healthiest thing to do is to say... I love you, but you don't feel the same way and I need to let you go.  I need to build my own life.  If we are meant to be together - we will be, but until that happens I need to focus in on me and you need to focus in on you.  This hurts like you wouldn't believe, but it also gives you a little bit of empowerment and acceptance that you haven't had up to that point..... either way... hurt is inevitable.. Im sorry..... Good Luck and I really wish you the best..