Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: hi..we bf n me brokeup yesterday after 4 years we been stayed together. we still satyed at the same apartment. i love him so much..i cant live without him. it started on sunday a week ago, where we argue when i suspected him have seeing other girl n have crush on other girl. and i have tried to ask him to go to bed early, since it already 3am.
i was actually askinf ofr comittment since we stayed n couple for 4 years where he never says any commitment so far. we have quarel coulple of time, when last 2 yrs we have brokeup for 6 months then thing back to normal. that time i was aked for a try to workout a relationship. yesterday when he came back from party at 6am, i have asked him waht is his problem by ignoring me n moody. he said our relationship does not work. he said we cannot get longer.he was 29 and im 27. i have suspected him, because he never introduce me to his mum, only his eldest bro knew bout our relationship now.
he never invite me for any party he attended. he never introduce me to his colleague n friends too. i do not know what to do. i have move to 2nd bedroom. he did asked me if im moving from his house. i did not answer him. i knew he is angry with me. i dont know how to deal with this breakup, im weak. i love him so much and treated him nice. i just need a commitment from him, because im serious looking into married. i told him someone is attracted to me and ask for commitment with me. he said over is over and he did not ask me to bother of what he did. he went out every night party and came back late. i found out from his friends he did not came back together with other boyfriends that night after party close at 3am, where he went went untill 6:30am? he was seeing and sleep other girl. when i asked him, he said i was accused him and he said he did not sleeping with other girl.
now, i just leave him alone. i cooked lunch and offered him, at first he refused but later he ate the lunch. he asked me why i cooked lunch for him, i told him do not asked. i just saying that im happy if he eat my cooking. how to tell him that i do not want breakup, i want a commitment, i need protection, i need secure since we have been together for 4 years. i cannot saying that i love him now, because it too late that we already breakup and he refuse to back together.
please help me.

ANSWER: Valerie,
You deserve a commitment - we all do, but we deserve them from someone who wants to give it to us on their own time.  When you have to beg someone or fight with someone for a commitment it doesn't feel so good and it isn't the right thing to do.  Why should we - as women - lower ourselves to that point?  We are worth a commitment and if we aren't getting one then it is our decision to stay with the person status quo or leave.  Period.  Not beg for something that someone should want to give us because they can't imagine their lives without us.... healthy relationships don't work that way.  Your ex boyfriend has now made a decision that he wants to not be in this relationship.... please-please-please keep your self respect and dignity by finding somewhere else to live - not begging to get back together - and starting a whole new life for yourself.  It isn't easy, but by doing this you are going to feel so much better about yourself.  You can love him from a distance and wish him well, but be in love with yourself first ... and then someone will love you the way that you deserve to be loved.  There are so many red flags that you write about..... I don't do red flags.... When there are red flags - it tells me that I need to make changes... make a great, but very difficult change for yourself..... Here is the opportunity to do that and to stand up for you..... Why stay somewhere when that person doesn't want you.... that is a double rejection and will do nothing for your self esteem.... Good Luck and I hope this helps.

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks for your reply and advise. I will fight for my love till the things doesnt work anymore. I believe in patient. i have prepared some food lst nite and placed it on dining table, when he came back around 2am maybe from party or date, maybe, i saw he did ate the food that i prepared for him. i still believe he still angry when i says i have smone else outside who is waiting for me and willing to marry me. i did a mistake, i shouldnt say that to him. and even i have explained to him that i do not have other boyfriend. i still leave him alone. i leave it to god and at the same time i still do daily laundry n iron his working attire. i will see and follow the flow, untill i cant do it anymore.
base on my experienced breakoff with him last 2 years, after 6 months thing slowly back to normal. i believe god hear my pray. if he the one for me, god will show it.

Answer
Hi Valerie,
Well, it sounds like you have made up your mind and decided what it is that you want to do.  You want to settle for less than what you deserve, but I wish you the best.  When we get sick and tired of being sick and tired and want a real meaningful relationship without all of the games - we start to do things differently.  Until then we have to do whatever it is that we have to do.... I really wish you the best... Good Luck