Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/1/2008

Question
Hi Erica,

I am 31 years old, my Mum divorced when I was 2 and I never met my Dad. I have been married for 8 years to a nice, responsible guy and have a daughter who is 4 years old. A year ago I met someone else and fell in love with him like I never loved anyone before. We used to go for trips, speak on the phone 5 times a day, we have so much in common. We have a lot of physical passion as well. We Like same music, books, we just seemed great for each other. I was ready to leave my husband for him but then found out that he cheats on me and lies continuously about where he is and what he does. He says he will stop that after I prove that I love him and leave my husband. I say I will not leave my husband until he proves that he really cares and starts behaving responsibly. You see, I have stood by him and treated him so well you would't believe. I spend all my free time with him, sometimes even neglecting my job and my daughter. I have helped him with a lot of things. I am obsessed with him and he knows that but doesn't appreciate me. As soon as I find a bit of strength and stop paying so much attention, he will suddenly become nice and loving. As soon as I am back in the mess, he will be abusive, rude and take advantage of me. I find it impossible to leave him, first because of my feelings for him and second because I live in a small town and don't know how to avoid him. He has a busy social life, is well known especially for his collection of expensive cars. I don't know how well I have described the problem. The fact is I am ruining a happy family, have health problems from stress, I drink, smoke, cant sleep and my daughter must be suffering from this. I guess my behaviour could be down to low self esteem from not having my Dad. Leaving him will probably leave me heartbroken for the rest of my life but I don't see any other solutions. I don't think he can change.

Answer
Dear Gabriela,
Please understand that I am brutally honest.... and sometimes when I think you need ot hear the truth - it isn't pretty so, I want to explain that before I tell you the truth based on the information that was in your email...

It isn't your Dad leaving that is causing you to do this.... In my opinon, you are being extremely selfish and looking for something to make you feel bad and good.  This affair that you are having is obviously very destructive and not healthy for you.  Affairs (and I don't agree with anyone having them) should be fun, exciting, passionate, and easy.  To leave a marriage - a healthy stable marriage- for something as reckless with someone who obviously does not in any way RESPECT you.... is crazy and you need to go to counseling to save your marriage or leave your marriage, but to definitely get away from this "new" guy.  And the fact that you admit to neglecting your job and daughter - that is now when you are still in a marriage.... what would you do when you left your marriage and was chasing this "new" guy everywhere because he is going to be even WORSE when you are out of your marriage.  Are you kidding me??? Your daughter needs you.  I am not saying to stay in your marriage because I don't know your situation there, but what I do know is that it is common for women to feel bored, unattractive, not paid attention to, etc. in their marriages because we lose a part of ourselves when we get married and when we get caught up in the day to day routine (yes, that is what it is) a routine - we get really bored and sick of it.... We need excitement.... and that is one of the main reasons married women have affairs.... but, the healthy thing to do and the right thing to do would be to get this "new" guy out of your life, try marriage counseling - decide if you want to stay married - and then truly work on your marriage with your husband and communicate with him what you are lacking in your marriage..... and most importantly FIRST and FOREMOST.... make sure your daughter is first... she needs you.... Why are you going to be heartbroken for the rest of your life over someone whom you say is abusive, cheats on you, rude, and takes advantage over you???? The only way that I would be heartbroken is if I kept him in my life and allowed him that power..... you need to start feeling better about you and figuring exactly where you are.... I hope this helps... Good Luck