Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/4/2008

Question
Erica,

Right before New Years, my girlfriend of 10 months said we needed to take a break...several days later, we broke up.  Over the course of the past month, we've had several deep conversations as to why the relationship didn't work out.  It basically boiled down to compatibility.  Although we shared many things in common, she felt that our personalties didn't mesh: she's an extreme extrovert; I'm social but fall into the slightly intoverted category; I preferred more one-one time with her while she like to do group activities; she felt like she did a better job saving money where I liked to wine & dine and spend money on my friends; she's busy and successful in her career and I'm at a point after relocating where I'm trying to catch on as a young attorney and still haven't found my niche.

What surprised me was that it sort of came out of the blue when she returned from spending Christmas with her family.  We exchanged gifts right before she left and I could sense that she was in a funk the following morning before she left: she gave me the "it's me not you" reply.  I chalked it up to holiday stress and didn't think much about it.

The breakup came as a big surprise to everyone.  We were such a cute couple together in public.  We were extremely honest, never cheated on each other, had alot of fun together, and shared the same socio-economic, religious values and loved to watch sports.  Physically, we had great sexual chemistry.

I've done most of the right things over the past month: hung out with friends, gone to counseling, started to get back in shape.  I was even starting to feel better until this past week when my ex and I started to email each other and I talked about whether I should take a new job.  We share many of the same friends and live 3 miles away from each other, so I almost feel like I need to become good friends with her right away. We even joke that we will become like "jerry and Elaine" from Seinfeld and my counselor even thinks that we have enough in common to become good friends someday.  We seem to be communicating better lately and I think it has given me false hope.  Maybe I'm just not ready yet to be a good friend to her.  

What makes it even worse, is that her best friend has become a good friend of mine and part of my inner circle of friends...so I know when she is out and it drives me crazy thinking that she might date someone soon or hook up with someone.  I feel much better when she is out of town on the weekends...that way I don't have to think about her.

Anyways, I feel like I have recently regressed.  How much longer is this going to take before I feel good again?  Is talking to my ex -- even once a week by phone or email -- unhealthy for me?  Is trying to stay close to her best friend unhealthy since I can pick up on what my ex is doing without me?  I want to be friends with her but I am not sure how long it will take before the ackwardness ends. She was my first real love, so I'm taking this really hard.

Answer
Hi Chris,

I think you are very insightful with your feelings and actions.  Your counselor said that you could be good friends - someday.... I think you are asking way too much of yourself expecting to be "ok" with being friends right now.  It is in my opinion that ex's cannot be friends until both parties reach a point in their lives where they don't want to be anything, but friends - that they are okay that the other has moved on and they want nothing but the best for each other.  Since you state in your email that you have regressed that is an indication that you are in no way ready to be "friends" with your ex.  You may already feel good, but are having a "funk" as I call them.... Please don't expect yourself to not ever hurt over this or think about things... there are highs and lows associated with breakups, but you are already doing the things to make yourself feel better.  Being friends with her best friend is fine as long as you are doing it without any expectations.  Being her friend and truly her friend means that you won't ask any questions or want to hear anything about what your ex is doing.  Communication with your ex or about your ex will surely play on your mind and bring you down.  Keep doing what your doing by taking care of yourself and things will all work out for you - even if they are not with her.... Good Luck and I hope this helps....