Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/12/2008

Question
This will probably be very long but it says you are an expert so I guess you are used to this. First off, this is not some high school kid who lost his first love, this is a 23 year old man who lost the love of his life and just don't understand. So, I met this girl Ashley, a year and a half ago, June 2006. We hit it off so good, we fell in love. We had are problems but so does every couple. I really felt that she was the one and so did she, she adored me, I was everything to her. This past Thanksgiving 2007 is when things went down hill. I was to go to her family's for dinner and meet the entire family, the ones left I had not met before. I wore jeans and a white Aeropostale hoodie. She was not pleased with what I wore, so I agreed to change into one of her dad's button down shirts, no problem. She kept repeating "I cannot believe you wore that", she wouldn't quit. So I kept telling her to quit bitching basically. Finally she said "Get out, just get out". So I took her dads shirt off and I left. She sent me a text that said "I know you did not just leave me, if you don't come back that is it". I told her "you said to get out". She said "No, I meant leave my room". I told her "No, I'm not coming back, you should not had treated me like that". She said "fine, we're done". 2 weeks went by and I called her. We cried to eachother and said we missed one another. She proposed that we start over, from scratch. Start dating again and work our way back up. So, I agreed. By this time, Christmas was right around the corner. She wanted me to go to Christmas dinner at her house but I was going to be out of town with family for a week. So, we agreed to have our Christmas together when I get back. So I get home and I got her what she wanted, a new TV. She got me a pet rat with the cage and stuff (I used to have one but it died). That night went well. We kissed and talked like old times. The next time we hung out, we went out to eat, things were still good. Then the next week (the week of January 13, 2008) is when it started. She would never answer the phone when I called her, all week. She would call me at the end of the night, like 1am, talk for like 5 minutes and say I gotta go to sleep. I could sense something was up. Finally, on Sunday January 17, I showed up at her house with a surprise. I had spent the entire weekend working on this surprise. What I did was sew a pillow together. And by that I mean, I bought the fabric, sewed it together and stuffed it. Then, I printed out 6 pictures of us together on photo paper and ironed them on the pillow. To finish it off, I cut letters of fabric out and sewed them on the pillow to spell "all you need is love". When I showed up, she was surprised, said she was scared, she said I can't just show up unannounced like this. We sat and talked. I told her that she is the love of my life and I want to prove it to her, I want to fall in love all over again and go back to how we used to be. She said she appreciates the gift but she just don't have feelings for me anymore. I said, when did this start? No answer. So I added in that we just exchanged presents a week ago and went back out on a dates. She said "yeah, as friends". "as friends?" I asked. She would not say anymore, she just went back in her house and I broke down right there, long ride home. 5 days go by, no talking. I had been writing this long thing about our memories, calling it a farewell to her. Right when I am about to email it to her, her myspace says she is now in a relationship with a new guy. I lost it man, the puzzle was starting to come together. I went ahead and sent it to her, she called me the next day. She told me she met this guy and it just kinda happened. I asked her how she could exchange christmas presents like that and go out with me and want to start over only to start with another guy the next week. She really did not know what to say. 2 weeks ago, we talked and I told her I wanted to see our dog (I had bought her a 600 dollar dog a year earlier and we agreed it was both of ours). I told her I just want to see the dog once a week. She agreed but only under the supervision of her new boyfriend. I pretty much hung up. Finally, last week she calls me. I say hello 3 times, finally she says "um, hello?" I said "why did you call me". She said she must had done it on accident and then said sorry and goodbye. And now I'm here. He is leaving her comments like I love you baby and stuff and she has been with him 3 weeks. It is killing me and I don't know what to do. I feel in my heart we our destiny and she once believed this to. I should also add this in, we always had eachother's myspace passwords. I don't know if she forgot or what but I got on hers and to my surprise.... Our pictures together are still there, on private, to where only she can see them. So here are my questions to you. 1. What is the best thing to do right now? 2.Do you think she really called me on accident and if she didn't, want does that mean from a woman's point of view? 3. What does it mean if she has our pictures on private to where only she can see them? 4. Why/how can she leave someone with so much history for someone she barely knows? 5. How can I get my life back? This is just constant pain, nightly dreams and I need to know these answers. Thanks for listenting to me.

Jim

Answer
Dear Jim,

First I need to apologize that I didn't get back to you sooner.  My computer systems were down and I was unable to access my website.  I am sorry.

Right now - as difficult as it may be - you need to focus in on yourself and your life.  She has made a decision and you need to respect it - period.  It isn't easy and she has moved on with her life for the time being.  Rejection and acceptance are difficult - very difficult, but the sooner you do it - the better off you will be.

It hurts - it rocks the core of your being... you can't function properly and you have a hard time just doing the bare minimum... I understand - I get it.... But, we have to stop "looking for answers or solutions that will give us a false sense of hope."  Our minds play terrible tricks on us sometimes and when it comes to matters of the heart - it can be very simple once in awhile... Sometimes, someone is just not that into you and you move on - get your life together and eventually be with someone who IS that into you.  

You want answers to questions that are really not that important.... they are important to you and I understand that, but in the grand scheme of things those answers are not going to get you your ex back.  Why she is doing the things that she is doing??? Noone knows but her... I do have the answer to question 5.... You can get your life back by taking back the power that you have over your thoughts, emotions, and actions.  First, surround yourself with great people who care about you.  Don't just jump into another situation for comfort... start remembering what it is that you enjoy doing and do those things... find new things to get involved with..... give yourself 10 minutes a day to think about all of the great times the 2 of you had together and then go about building a great life for yourself... Its all about baby steps and the sooner we make the decision to accept the breakup the easier it gets.  There is a light at the end of the tunnel.... I promise... how fast you get there is up to you... and Absolutely NO CONTACT... even for the dog (have a neutral party take care of that).... don't find any excuses or reasons to call, text, or email.... you need to just move on... and by staying in contact it gives you a false sense of hope and security... let her do whatever it is that she needs to do.... You, on the other hand..... use this time to take care of you... AND... to reinvent/recreate yourself.... I hope this helps and Good Luck.