Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/11/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hello there! I'll go ahead an apologize ahead of time for the lengthy introduction, but I'd like you to see where I came from in this break-up and where I am now. A lot happened to me, and I'd like to get a little clarity and direction. Here it goes:
I dated the girl of my dreams (at the time) for almost one year from senior year in high school to freshman year in college. As a side note, I'm well aware of the instability of these relationships due to college transition. Anyway, things were going great for us all the way up to the beginning of my freshman year in college. At that point, I began to concentrate on school due to unforgiving financial circumstances, and less on my relationship. I still called her every night, but the conversations became hollow. I was always thinking about school and what I need to do in my rigorous learnings. She didn't go to college, but elected to work that semester. Already, there was obvious tension in our relationship. About 3 months into school, we just fell apart. She wanted to do more adventurous things, just like she did at work, while I wanted to rest and take a break from all the action. Another side note (sorry O.o), we both came from vastly different lifestyles. She desired a wild, spontaneous lifestyle while I preferred the proactive, planned approach to it all. We tried to compromise, but we never really connected on a basic level. Doom for many relationships :( . Continuing on!
In our last phone conversation, we mutually decided upon an indefinite break in order to 'find ourselves' as we both believed that we were not responsible enough for a serious, durable relationship through college. It makes sense. Anyway, at first I was alright with it. It didn't really bother me in the least. After a week, though, I guess something just snapped inside me and I began to loath her. I threw away every picture,letter, and drawing she ever gave me because I couldn't stand the sight of it. I'm not sure if it was anger or sadness really. I kept the things that were of serious value (like a few of her childhood keepsakes and a photoalbum) and sent them back to her via mail.
Since we were in the same circle of friends, we still were around each other. After a christmas party (about 1 month after the break-up, I guess it was) she approached me in the parking lot and asked how I was. Simple enough question really, nothing too out of the ordinary. I responded in a short, cold phrase. I guess that my emotions got the best of me because I didn't want her to feel any warmth from my voice. I left her in the parking lot, almost satisfied in my treatment of her. It's kind of sickening looking back on it now.
Flash forward another month. It's my second semester of college and I decide that I must make some changes in my life in order to be the best person I can be. I wanted to be the benevolent and tolerant person I believed I should have been. I decide to go through my past and make amends with those I left behind for a lack of patience or tolerance. She was the one who, in our last phone conversation, insisted that I be more tolerant of others and their lifestyles. I can't think of myself as a martyr and experience all of what the world has to offer. In order to truly do this, I had to email her and explain why I acted the way I did and that I wanted to make things right. Instead, I receive an aggressive letter from her calling me a coward and awful boyfriend for things I didn't do during the relationship. I can't go into detail about what those things were, but I accepted my failure there and hoped that she would forgive me. Obviously, she didn't. I contacted some of my friends to receive closure on said things, only to discover that she had been lying to me all along.
With this new information in mind, I wrote her one last letter telling her my final thoughts, and how I hoped she would do well in college. In my final sentence, I told her that I never wished to speak to her again. Ever. Upon sending this to her, I discover that she is in a new relationship already, and has been for about a month. I'm horrified. I don't know why I was horrified, but I was. It didn't help that the guy looked like me. I call her out on it saying that she's using him as a crutch and that she needs to be single like we agreed upon in order to really think things out. Come to find out, she had been talking to this guy for 4 months before we broke up about breaking up. I'm not sure if this counts as cheating, but the feeling was just as bad. I felt betrayed, again.
That last discovery sort of finalized my feelings about her for a while. I decided that I hated her and everything about her. I stuck with this ideal until I talked it over with family and friends. You really shouldn't hate someone for the mistakes they made or their shortcomings, if those really qualify. After another couple weeks, I get to thinking again. I think a lot. Bad habit. I think about her and the good times we had and how well our personalities melded, despite our core differences. Strangely, I begin to feel attracted to her again. This cannot be good, I think to myself. Regardless, I send her some videos of her favorite things out of the blue, but I don't say a word to her. Just video links. She responds cheerfully, like she used to when we were dating. Agonizingly nostalgic.
Now for the question stuff that I've made you sit through all that garble for. Do I need to get over her and push her into the past? On the other hand, should I be patient and wait for her to work her way through college and see how her personality changes? My family seems to think that she's going through her wild stage like most teens do, but after a  few years she'll turn into more of the person that I kind of am. Yet, I don't want to be a constant presence when she has this new relationship. I don't really know the guy, and frankly I don't quite like him, but I know when to respect a relationship. Thus, I won't allow myself to interfere with what they have. On the flip-side, if this is one of those situations where I should forget about her and move on to my own journey, that would null all any reason to keep her in my mind.
As you can see, I'm stuck in a lot of confusion. Plus, she was my first love, so she's on my mind a lot. Practically 80% of the time. It also doesn't help that I'm surrounded by  couples at school. It gets to me pretty bad some days :/.
I just need a point in the right direction. I know that we're both young with many years of experiences ahead of us, but for the present time, I can't get this conflict out of my mind. Part of me wants me to tell her that I have feelings for me again so she might eventually dump that other guy and take me back. The other part of me wants to just let her go for good and start afresh and meet new girls. It all seems so complicated sometimes. As is the world of teen drama.

ANSWER: Hi Nick,
Breakups are unfortunately just that - breakups.  We can't change anyone and no matter how they are choosing to live their life isn't up to us to determine whether its the "right" or "wrong" way.  You said that you made a lot of changes in your life well, its up to her to decide if she wants to change her life and only then will she.  She may like her life exactly the way that it is going.  It isn't easy to "let someone go."  And, in all honesty... it sounds like you are at the final stages of dealing with a breakup.... Typically, before complete acceptance we get into this stage where we don't know for sure if we want to completely let this person go.  Therefore, we start to drum up all of these scenarios to determine whether or not we should hang on.... that maybe things will be different...... maybe this.. maybe that.... in my opinion... to many maybe's and life is way too short.  I only know one person who is capable of letting go quickly and that is because he has done a tremendous amount of work on himself.  If something isn't right he doesn't try to fix it.... he takes the good parts of the relationship with him and he learns from the bad.  You may have made mistakes in the relationship (don't we all) but, you learn from them and the important message here is you try to be a better person in your next relationship and not repeat the same mistakes.... that is true growth.  I am also a firm believer that if things are meant to be they are.... but, typically they aren't.  When two people want to be together - they are and when they don't - they usually get back together for the wrong reasons for a short period of time.... Rarely do I hear of situations where people break up and get back together to live happily ever after (it has happened) but not often.... I think that you have started to become very insightful with yourself and I would just - at this point - let things go and see how the chips may fall.  In the interim... live your life... if you meet someone you are interested in - by all means start to date....but, make sure that you are in a good space with yourself and you are doing it for all of the right reasons... I hope this helps and Good Luck

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I've taken your advice to heart and I've been out and around and having the time of my life. Yet, I have these burning questions that have arisen over the past few weeks in dreams and meditation that I should ask you before I making lasting decisions from them. It's always good to get some outside advice.
Anyway, I've been having dreams about the physical relationship between my ex and I. We had a REALLY good physical relationship and so it's one of the things that always pops into my head first. As a guy, this is probably typical. Yet, these thoughts lead into the larger picture and I begin to think of her personality. Little things remind me of her and it tends to bare down on me. Should I just accept these or are they going to go away? They're tough to deal with when there are a lot of things that can remind me of her.
Second, I've been playing with the notion of slowly coming back into verbal contact with her. At times I don't want to be this entity that disappears forever, but other times I'd rather not have her as a part of my life anymore. This seems like a catch-22. Should I start contacting her again and keeping tabs or just let it be?
Due to the dreams and the things that remind me of her, I will vacillate from days of individuality to days where I wonder if we could ever get back together with our new personalities. This isn't a good way to go about things, I know, and I've kept your last response in mind about the last phase of a relationship. I can't help but play out scenarios of how we could somehow naturally work like we did when we started dating. Again, I understand this is rather impractical and can become an obstacle in my pursuit of future relationships. A lot of this thought can be derived from my campus. There are many more guys than girls, so there I constantly see couples walking down the street. It tends to remind me of days past, and I reminisce often.
Another thing that keeps these thoughts in my mind is the perceived difference between a 'break' and a 'break-up'. We didn't officially break up and I haven't the slightest notion of what a 'break' implies. Being my first real relationship, I'm trying to distinguish between ambiguities, assumptions, and the like that come with the territory. So if you could, might you define a few of these things for the  student? Things like a 'break' vs a 'break up' or 'time to find myself' or 'if our paths cross in the future'. Anything  else you might be able to throw my way, I'd definitely be willing to grab a hold of.

Answer
Dear Nick,

Normal to have dreams about the physical relationship between an ex... especially if it was wonderful... very typical...

Again... normal to think about the positive attributes of your ex and as time goes on you will start to not think about the negative and exaggerate the positive... again very normal... They will lessen in time... unfortunately... time works as an enemy sometimes...

Don't think that slowly going back into her life is the answer... trust me just because we are away from someone doesn't mean we forget about them... she isn't going to forget about you even if you don't get back together... you were an important part of her life.... Let it be...

If you love someone set it free... if they come back to you it was meant to be.... This statement is very true... You can't force something to happen... left to our own devices we screw things up...

A break and a breakup are the same thing.... a break is just a nice way of saying... if nothing better pops up or I start to feel sad.. I want to leave that door open...... different words... same meaning

Just because of the male to female ratio on campus is not a reason to stay in a relationship or want to work on a relationship that isn't working.... You are better off alone than unhappy and unfulfilled... trust me.

If your paths cross in the future.... maybe... but, don't live by that or hope for that to happen... move on with your life... surround yourself with great people, find new interests and open your life to a whole bunch of opportunities..... Seriously... take care of you and realize that everything you are thinking and wanting is normal.... you may find that in time... what you thought you really wanted isn't necessarily the right thing...

Good Luck