Expert: Marissa Gray - 2/16/2008

Question
So, there is this guy who i met 4 years ago and its a pretty crazy long story. Basically its been a rollercoaster ride. We were never really friends from the begining we were always a little more than that and everything was just bad timing when we met cause he had a gf. And we have had a lot of things that have happened between us. But we have always made it through. And pretty much for these past 4 years i have not gone a day with out talking to him. I guess i should start out by saying this is kind of a long distance relationship.  He goes to school a couple hours from me. But in the begining of the school year i would go and get him and bring him home for the weekend about every other weekend. So we saw each other a lot for being not so close. Recently its been hard because i am a cheerleader and ever since november i have had virtually no time to do anything. So i haven't gotten to see him as much. He has been bothered by that a lot and i honestly try so hard to see him when i can but its been a while since i have visited. however there has been breaks that he's had like christmas break where he'd come home so we would see each other. Over christmas break i was kind of upset because i didnt get to see him a lot and on new years i was with my friends and the guy who i was hanging out with last year was there and i think i convinced myself that i liked him. I know now that i didnt at least i dont think. i think it was just because i was lonely and felt like i was losing him when in reality i wasnt. So like 2 weeks after he went back i told him i wanted my space and that i didnt know what i wanted. He of course thought the worst and he actually took it a lot harder than i thought. He cried to me everyday for a week, went to counseling,told me that through all the bad i am the only good thing in his life and i am a very stubborn person and i just didnt give in. I cried everytime he did though. But he came home that weekend because he said he needed to see me. So i went and saw him. And as soon as i opened the door he gave me a really long hug. and it just made me realize how much i love him and care about him. While i was there he wanted me to give him a kiss but i didnt and i actually ended up coming back and doing that because i realized that he is what i need and that i figured out what i needed to figure out with the other person (that he is just a good friend and that i was lonely for a while). So i thought that meant that we were going back to being together. But i guess he still thought i wanted my space so he started to hang out with someone. Now when we talked about it the first time he said it was because he was upset with me and thought i was with other people. and i wasnt so basically it was all a misunderstanding. So he told me he would stop hanging out with her. Then he asked me when id come see him but i didnt know when the next time i could was so i think he got mad because the next day he took back what he said and turned everything around on me and said that he needs his space.

Now something you should know about him is that he has had a lot of problems with drinking and drugs and depression. Now before this happened like when we were together he was doing so much better. And stopped doing a lot of things and was finally getting back on the right track. He also is a very stubborn person. and he is the type would probably want to make me feel how he felt cause it hurt him that much.

So like a week before he said about needing his space he started drinking a lot more. And i was getting worried about him becasue he had been doing so well. But now he is back to his old habits. He is hanging out with this one girl a lot for the past week. And it has really been upseting me. Cause he said he needs his space. It likes the situations a completely reversed because now im the one crying every ten minutes. I seriously cant go a second without thinking of him.

He means so much to me more than anyone else. I feel like this is all my fault because if i wouldnt have doubt our relationship this all would never have happened. And now i know that my feelings were there and they still are. A lot of times he will avoid talking to me about it. He was suppose to come home this weekend so we could talk and now he's not. And i dont know what to do. I honestly could see us together in the future. And its hard being far away because i think something like this is bound to happen because it really is hard not seeing them everyday. Something similar to this happened last year too around this same exact time. But it wasnt us saying we need our space.. we kind of just stopped talking as much and did our own thing. But the next time we saw each other everything kind of started to pick back up again and we've been unofficially together with neither of us ever hanging out with someone else ever since.

I know it probably sounds so stupid. But i really need him. I love him. And i cant look and say that i could go a day without him because i couldnt. And its really hard that i dont really get to talk to him cause he doesnt seem to want to right now. I dont know what to do. It really killing me right now to think that he's even hanging out with someone else. I  can honestly say that i can see myself with him forever. We've talked about it before on multiple occasions.  I just dont know what to do right now. He has spring break next weekend and im hoping that will make things better. But i am so worried and so scared ill lose him. and i dont know what i would do if that happens.

Answer
Dear KG,
You are one of the few people that emails me that really seems to know what love is. You've got the concept, and more than that, you obviously love him. Four years is a long time to stay in good terms romantically somewhat with a person. You didn't ask me a specific question, but here's what I'm getting: You want him back, practically need him back. You love him, don't you. so TELL him.
I know you probably have tried to talk to him since you say you've been crying often, but seriously. You need to tell him almost everything you just told me.
Write it down, exactly what you mean. Be honest, don't accuse, admit your mistakes and tell him what you need and why. Read it, practice it, edit it but don't leave out anything important. That may sound dumb, but it will help prevent you from saying the wrong things in a rush of emotion, or leaving out something important. Wait until you can talk to him face to face ( but don't wait too long!) And get on your knees if you have to! This is not to become obnoxious, but don't forget yourself!
This is the man you love! The man you want to be with..forever maybe?
Let him know that, don't go dump-crazy, but let him know. (and don't write a novel because he'll just be overwhelmed with too much information). Tell him that you can see things from his perspective, and explain to him the stupid reasons for your actions.
It would be foolish not to give your all to someone who gave you theirs.
If it doesn't work out, it doesn't. But now is not the time for quitting.
KG be honest, fair, and selfless. Admit your mistakes! (you've made a few!) It will definitely help.
You deserve the best, don't settle for less.

[feel free to follow up so I can hear how you're doing in the next couple weeks or so! Also, please do rate me if my advice was at all helpful to you.]

good luck always to you KG
love & blessings,

--Marissa Gray