Expert: ***ERICA*** - 2/8/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi there,

I can't believe I'm actually writing to this, but I just really need to vent and get my feelings out and any sort of advice would be really nice.  I’ve been in a relationship for nearly 2 years now (with a girl that I’ll call Sue, for anonymity), who I met when we were 19 as freshmen in college during the spring.  I’ve been in two relationships beforehand that were about the same duration, and I can honestly say that I have never loved nor thought I could love anyone as much as I have and still do Sue.  We have had the absolute best relationship that I think I could ever imagine having.  We rarely fought, and if there ever was something wrong it usually wasn’t even that big of a deal, and would be over within a day or two.

Over the summer I went away for a month and a half to do geology fieldwork for my major, and then she was leaving to go abroad for the fall semester about 2 weeks after I got back.  This was terrifying for the both of us—we didn’t want to ever lose each other, and we planned to stick it out and stay together throughout the duration of our time apart.  After I got back we were together for a short while and everything was fine between us.  A little shocked that we were back together but it was really wonderful and we were still very much in love.  We talked a lot about whether or not to stay together when she went away for the fall, and I insisted that we try and stick it out and that everything would be okay.  She agreed, though sort of reluctantly, as we both had no idea what could happen while we were apart.  So we planned on staying together, but if something were to happen then just to let it happen, as we’re still both very young.  I visited her for a week over Thanksgiving and everything was wonderful.

When she got back in December, everything was fantastic.  We actually had a lot of sex as opposed to any serious talking, which was kind of odd since we used to talk for hours about nothing, but it didn’t seem like there was anything wrong.  We saw each other periodically before we got back to school in January, and a week after classes started I knew something was wrong, so I asked her about it.  She wanted to take a break.  She told me that she still loved me as much as she ever has, and of course I felt the same way, but she just needed some space to get herself figured out.  She really liked having time to herself abroad and wanted to experience that back home at our college.  I’m her first serious boyfriend that she’s ever had, and so she was really scared of commitment, too.  She feels too committed to our relationship and that really scares her.  She said she didn’t necessarily need to meet other people, but that if it were to happen then it was going to happen.  She needed a change and to experience life on her own.  There were no hard feelings between us—we both cried and hugged the entire time for probably 3 hours while we talked this out.  I can understand her point of view and of course I agreed, but I knew it was going to be really hard.

I wrote her a letter the weekend after this had happened, basically telling her that she’s the girl of my dreams and that I never want to lose her for anything, especially since we really do still love each other.  That it may take a long time for her to find herself and what she needs, and that I can’t be dragged along waiting for her to decide whether or not we would get back together, so I told her I just wanted to end the relationship but that I truly hoped we would get back together in the future.  To expect the worst but hope for the best.  She agreed that it wasn’t fair to do this, so we settled for breaking up for now.  

The problem is, she’s my best friend here at school and I’m hers, so we decided to definitely try and stay in touch and talk and hang out every once in a while since we thought it would be nice.  I don’t know if this was the right thing to do, since it’s so hard being around her as just a friend.  This is all very recent, but the past couple of times we’ve hung out under these circumstances, we’ve been really cuddly and close and have been talking to each other more than we probably did before she went away.

She says that she really hopes we’ll get back together in the future and I really, truly do think that we will.  But just today we were talking and she told me that there is someone else she met that she might be interested in.  Nothing has happened between them yet, but she said it’s not out of the question that something will.  This finally hit home that we were actually broken up and I just don’t know how to handle our situation anymore.  I still want to see her and talk to her, but I feel like it’s only going to hurt me more if I do.  I still want to hope that we get back together some day, but then I’m going to have so much more trouble moving on and accepting that it’s over if it actually does end.  I guess I already know that I need to move on for now and try to figure my life out as well, but it’s so hard since she’s been so prevalent in my life basically since I’ve been at school.

I just don’t know if it’s a good idea to still see her and talk to her and try to be her friend.  As much as I want to, I know that it’s going to be so hard.  She still really wants to be around me, too, so of course whenever she wants to talk or hang out I’m going to do it.  I just really don’t know what to do anymore.  This whole situation is really tearing me apart and I’m trying to do my best to cope with it, but I don’t even know how to feel about any of this.  I just miss her so much and I want everything to be okay.

Sorry if this was excessively long, but it’s so nice to vent and get it all out.  Thanks for all of your help!


ANSWER: Hi Riley.. I want to make sure that you received my answer - because your question popped back up and our systems are down... Please let me know... thank you

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hey, thanks for double checking because I actually didn't receive your answer.  Hope you've still got it!  Thanks, Riley

Answer
Hi Riley,
Sorry for the delayed response... due to the weather and system failure... I apologize...

I have read your email several times and here is what my suggestion is.... good for you for being honest... because a lot of people play games to try and get what they want and I have found that when you open up and are honest about how you feel - there is a huge relief even if the answer isn't exactly what you were hoping for, but you put yourself out there.

Next, it is too difficult to be friends after an initial break up.  It usually takes a lot of time to have a friendship with an ex.  For several reasons:  there are a lot of mixed emotions that get thrown around, unresolved issues, etc... so, it is usually a great idea to put some space and distance between the two parties involved for a period of time.  Trust me... both of you aren't going to forget about each other by doing this and then you get the real answer as to what is going on and where she really wants this to go.  And if you never get back together you are going to be able to deal with it a little better because you have focused your time and energy on yourself rather than on her and all of the what if's and maybe's.

The longer you continue to remain her friend the harder it is going to be to get the closure that you need.  You will continue to feed yourself false hope and basically allow her to have the best of both worlds.... she doesn't have to miss you and figure anything out because you are still there for her when she wants you to be.  Yet, you are left feeling empty, hopeless, and yearning for her.  

I hope this helps and Good Luck...