Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/28/2008

Question
Hi Erica, thanks for reading my question:


I have been dating a lovely girl, whom I'm deeply in love with, for four months now.  Just this week, we had a talk and she suggested that we take a break in our relationship.



Here's some background:



We met, unfortunately soon after my separation with my wife.  Of course, I was still healing and trying to find myself when we started dating, and realize now that I shouldn't have been seeking a serious relationship so soon.  However, we met and soon feel in love.



Things were amazing for awhile. She made me feel on top of the world and I was so happy to be with her.  Then, things starting changing about 2 months into our relationship.  I noticed that she wasn't as responsive to my romantic gestures and was in fact becoming a little cold.



I took it in stride because there were, are, a lot of things she was dealing with.  Third month into our relationship I started having this feeling of dread that something wasn't right.  Now, by this point I'm very very in love with her.



So, last week we had a chat over dinner and she explained to me what was going on.  During xmas time I had to spend it at my old house as the ex was moving out and I was moving back in to get it ready to sell (because of the separation).  She told me that during that time she was going nuts thinking about me at home with the ex, even though nothing happened.



I completely understand her point of view on this and when I look back at it now I feel horrible that she had to suffer through that.  She didn't want to say anything to me for fear of losing me and so surpressed her feelings. Also, I didn't tell any of my friends or my ex that I was dating her, and so she felt like a dirty little secret.



Anyways, shortly after new years, she said she started to raise walls to protect herself and her feelings towards me changed.  She began to feel resentment of what she had to do to stay in the relationship and was finding it difficult watching me deal with all the crap of my separation.



She was trying to get those feelings back, but was having difficulties, and this was obviously the vibe I was getting off of her.



She told me during our conversation that she was working through it but just to hang in there and understand why she was where she was it.



Now, just this week we talked again.  I could tell things were really wrong.  She told me that she felt we had reached a fork in our relationship and we could either continue heading the way we were and probably end destroying anything good left in our relationship, or, we could take a break to give me a chance to get my life in order and allow her to 'miss' me and re-spark those feelings.  She said she still loved me, but thought this would be the only way we could have a chance for a future together - by starting fresh.



So that's where I am today.  I'm miserable, I miss her very much, and I can't fathom not seeing or talking to her for months.  We both agreed that we would keep communication to a minimum, in order for her to see what life was like without me, but I feel the urge everyday to txt her or email her (we talked every single day for four months so this is a shock for me).



I've told myself not to send any communication to her for two weeks.  I hope that is enough time.



I'm terrified, however, that during this time she will decide she doesn't want to be with me or will meet someone else, though she mentioned to me that she was perfectly comfortable being single and isn't looking for someone right now and to not worry about that.



In a final email she sent to me, she told me that she would like to see me get my life in order, get into my new place (after selling my matriominal home) and then invite her for dinner to start fresh.



This sounds hopeful to me.  But I'm going crazy without her.  Do I just hang in there and hope that if I do everything she's asking, and give her space, that we'll be able to start again?



I love her with all my heart, this is the girl I can see myself marrying.  And she says that she believes what we have is worth fighting for.  I just hope she wasn't saying that to make me feel better and lessen the blow.



And, finally, when do I contact her to get back together?  A month?  2 months?  Or when I feel I've got my life in order?  Obviously she needs her space so I don't want to push her away...



Any advice is appreciated.  I haven't eaten in 4 days and I'm really struggling without her.

Answer
Hi Gary,
I know that this is very difficult for you as you are experiencing a couple of losses here.  My rule of thumb is no contact for 60 days. NONE ... I know it sounds like a long time and feels like an eternity, but it is the way to find out whether or not something is going to work or time to part ways.  It allows us the time we need to let the raw emotions calm down and to take a good hard look at the relationship.  After 60 days - both of you should be in a better place to realize whether or not this is what you want.  Insanity is described as trying to do the same thing over and over again (even in different ways) expecting different results.  I think that you should take this time to mourn the loss of both women.  I think that you should spend some much needed Gary time and find out what you want, desire, enjoy, etc.  This is also the time to experience new experiences.  You have a great chance of meeting new people, doing different things, etc.  I am not a big fan of going from one relationship to another because I do believe that feelings transition themselves from one situation to the other in some degree.  Whether the 2 of you get back together or not - 60 days is going to give you all of the answers that you need.  Good Luck and I hope this helps.  Warmest Wishes, Erica