Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/31/2008

Question
Hello I guess I’ll start from the beginning. My ex girlfriend Tracey and I had been dating for 2.5 years March 2. At the beginning of our relationship things were amazing. We loved each other so much and it was just great. Within the past year things had been going bad. We would only get to see each other on weekends and when we did someone would usually have to work so seeing each other was hard. She did spend the weekend at my place though which was nice. Anyways we had our breakups and fights and things were just getting bad. I can look now that when she broke up with me on March 1st I look back and realize all the horrible crap I had done to her. I put everything before her and didn’t appreciate her. It was really hard for me though. I realized how much I did love her and how badly I treated her and did so much to start over and improve myself to show her I could change, I even got back into college. The reason she broke up with me is because she said she needed to focus on school (she is a senior in high school) and her family. I respected that but the next day she was seeing this guy. We broke up on March 1st and it has almost been a month and I have just been crazy. On March 5th my 21st birthday she was supposed to come see me and say hi. Instead she went to see this other guy and ended up staying over there all night. I talked to her that night when she was supposed to be driving home and she got mad because I didn’t believe that she has going home. She turned up the radio and I was like ok. The next day she emailed me saying sorry my phone died and sorry I lied I stayed at Bryans ( the guy she was seeing) because the roads were bad and I slept with him because his roommate was drunk. I was crushed. On my 21st she not only didn’t stop to see me she slept with another guy. She said they didn’t do anything but at this point she has giving me so many lies I don’t know what to believe anymore. Things have been hard. She went from breaking up with me on March 1st to dating this guy on March 9th. She said I need to move on and stop calling her and emailing her and texting her. She won’t give me 5 minutes of her day to talk to me. This has been so hard because all I wanted was a second chance. I realize my mistakes and what I did wrong but I just want her back. She was my first girlfriend and my first lover. She was everything to me. I want to move on but it is so damn hard. I don’t want to be without her. I care so much for her. On March 16th I broke down and said I was going to kill myself if she didn’t talk to me. We talked for 2 hours or so and I thought like I was getting to her. She said depending on how her day went she would come up and talk. I was so happy. I bought her a dozen carnations, Carnation, Pink: I will never forget you, Carnation, Red: Admiration, my heart aches for you, Carnation, White: Pure Love, Sweet Love, and Innocence. I was just so happy she was coming up. Then after school she got on Msn and told me why I got them and that she was not leaving Bryan for me. I was so crushed. She ended up coming up after I begged and we talked but she couldn’t look at me. She just had such hatred towards me. I was so confused after all I was trying to do is end on good terms and be nice she wasn’t giving me anything. I had not talked to her since the 24th but I found out that she just got her cell back. I forwarded a text she had sent to me a week or two ago saying we can be friends if you don’t call me all the time. Wait till I get my cell back. I forwarded that to her and asked if that was still true. No response. Help me I am head over heals in love with her but she has a new guy that is treating her the way I should. I am just afraid that if I don’t keep in touch with her she will forget me since she has this new guy in her life. Help me I’m so scared and confused.   One other thing to add the reason I am trying to keep in touch with her also is because she is so crazy for this new guy she isn’t focusing on the important stuff. I asked if I could see her after work on Easter and she said no I’m going to see my family right after families more important. Then the next day I asked her if she had left early and she said ya I ended up going to Bryans and didn’t go to Easter. It’s the same way with school. She hasn’t applied for college and isn’t getting student loans figured out. She is just with some bad people that are drinking and driving, just disrespectful people. It’s kidna who she is changing into. I know there is still a sweet woman that I love in there somewhere.

Answer
Hi Ben,
I know that you are not going to like what I have to say in my answer, but the reason that I do this is to help people.  From what you are stating in your email this relationship is definitely over.  There isn't anything more that you can do or say that is going to fix this.  But, you can help yourself.  You can realize and accept that the relationship is over and start taking care of you and creating a great life for yourself.  When you threatened suicide to get her to talk to you - that isn't very healthy because you manipulated a situation to have it go your way.  You can take a self inventory and realize what you may have not brought to the table in the relationship and not repeat the same mistakes in the future.  But, also realize what good you do bring to the table.  The only person that we have control over is ourselves.  We can't control a relationship and we can't change what someone else feels, thinks, or wants.  This relationship may have just run its course for her and she has decided to move on.  Whether it was a good idea to jump into another situation or not isn't relative because she will have to deal with that, but the problem here is that you can't accept that it is over.  Unfortunately, you need to and have to.  The loss of a relationship is very painful, but only when you accept it can the healing process begin and the only thing that allows you to heal is time.  Time heals all wounds.... and sometimes it takes a long time.  I hope this helps and I wish you the best.  Good Luck...   Warmest Wishes,  Erica