Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/12/2008

Question
About three months ago I split up with my V of five months. Despite being seperated for three weeks over the Christmas period, everything was going brilliantly until the start of Janurary. Just before Christmas, her mum suffered a nasty back injury and then a few days before she broke up with me, her Dad was taken into hospital for an emergency operation to remove a cyst from inside his body. She's been isolated and withdrawn ever since that, as her way of dealing with things is to shut everyone out and isolate herself from everything. She doesn't like talking about things and prefers to actually be doing something about them, except on this occasion there's nothing she can actually do to fix the situation, and I know this is a source of great frustration for her. She's also extremely close to her parents and although she's been trying to put a front on it, I know it's hit her hard. She's admitted that she's far too independent for her own good and one thing she really hates is when people treat her differently because of what's going on.

Like I say, up until this point everything was fine. We spoke regularly over Christmas, she let me know that she hated not being able to see me and missed me, told me that she thought we could get through whatever life threw at us so long as we had each other and on New Year's Eve told me "I really do love you. More than you know."

Yet just over a week later, everything changed. She broke off our relationship for several reasons, some of which are a bit confusing. Firstly, the day it happened, I had told her that she was the first person I'd loved and that made her special, which, ironically, led to the break up, as she felt that I was more invested in the relationship than she was and that she couldn't be there for me as a girlfriend should be, which she felt was completely unfair on me. She also said that things had become too intense too fast (although we've not had intercourse - I can only assume she means the whole being in love thing) and that she feels pressured by it, but this seems a bit strange given the things she said to me over Christmas and New Year. She also seems to feel that this is causing her to lose her independence, which with hindsight is what she really wants right now due to her family situation. She doesn't want to be in a relationship at all due to the extra pressure it's putting on her.

She said that we need to take a break and have a bit of distance from each other. But when I tried talking to her about it the next day, she snapped, became annoyed and said that she doesn't feel anything for me, and that in her mind, it's over. But the day we split, she said that it wasn't easy for her to do and that in her heart she didn't want to do it, but in her head she knew she had to. Indeed, the reason I've tried to stay strong and not fight against her decision is because I know this is what's best for her right now. But those things she said seem to contradict what she said about not feeling anything for me. Correct me if I'm wrong, but if she doesn't feel anything anymore, why would she find it hard? Why, in her heart, would she not want to do it? That's the thing I don't understand - how she can go from hating not seeing me and saying she loves me more than I know to suddenly feeling nothing. I genuinely can't understand it.

I realise now that I was too intense, especially at a time when she needed to be alone, which may have killed the attraction on her part and that I was getting hung up on too many of the little things. I want to at some point tell her that and that I believe we should give it another try, but I've no idea how to go about it. We've spent time together a few times since the breakup and each time she seems more like she used to, more chatty and more keen to do things like hug me and suggest we go to clubs and other places.

Basically, I'm confused about how her feelings could have changed so quickly, if in fact they did, and how to go about getting her to see that I've changed the things about me that added to the breakup.  

Answer
Dear Joe,
I would just let things be for awhile.... no contact is usually the only thing that allows 2 people to decide which course of action they are going to take.  Anything you chase in life runs away.  Everyone handles things differently.  However, you cannot allow yourself to be treated disrespectfully and you must maintain your self respect and self dignity.  Take what she is saying to be true... that she doesn't want to be with you, that she isn't feeling the same way, etc...  believe this... don't second guess it because it will drive you crazy.  IF her feelings change again - she knows how to get a hold of you and she will let you know because when someone loves someone - there is very little that wouldn't do to let that person know.  Maybe she is going through a lot and scattered all over the place... we don't know, but its not really important except to make you feel better.  The bottom line is its a breakup - period and you need to start the healing process by accepting it.... Once you do that things will start to feel a little better and you will become more insightful, but only when you accept that it is over.  It hurts like hell.... I know... but, there is a light at the end of the tunnel.... and no matter what the final outcome is by taking care of yourself you will be prepared for whatever is thrown your way.  Good luck and I hope this helps...