Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/26/2008

Question
Hey Erica,

I've actually emailed you before and you gave me some good advice.  After 3 weeks of no contact, my ex called (based on a predetermined date) and we talked about our status.  She still needs some time to figure things out but continues to tell me she wants us to be together and loves me.  I know a lot of ex's do that post breakup.

Here's my question... I called her yesterday and told her what i felt and was wondering if this was possible and a good idea.  It feels good to me but it might be just emotions taking over.  Here's what I told her:
    " I need you to know that out of all the people that I could date, I choose you.  I know that I could have a happy relationship with someone else, but I choose to do that with you and I'm ready to work to make our relationship work.  I know you still need your time, so i'm willing to give you your time/space to figure out what you need to.  I need you to know though that I can't wait forever for you.  I don't want to put a timeline on this because I don't want to pressure you but you have to let me know when you're either ready to give us a shot and work on the relationship or you're ready to have me out of your life for good.  You can't just tell me one day that you're seeing someone else.  You need to let me know as soon as you know.  If you choose to be with me, I know we can be happy and rebuild our relationship to levels way past where we were.  But if you don't choose me, it's ok.  I know i'll be ok and I know you'll be ok. I know you'll make someone else happy, I just hope you find the one that makes you happy.  I don't want you to hang on to me because you're scared to hurt me or hurt yourself by letting me go.  I'm going to move on with my life in every aspect except for looking for another girl until you let me know where you stand.  Again, I don't want to rush you, take your time, but I won't be waiting here forever for you."

Sorry for the length... but does this seem fair to her and more importantly to me?  I feel pretty strong about what I said.  Any thoughts?

Answer
Hi Dan,
I think that was constructed very well.  Here is what I would do... I would put my own personal deadline on it - one that you don't need to share with her - something that is reasonable and your comfortable with.  If she doesn't make a decision by then - you need to continue on with your life.  If she comes back after that point and you decide that you want to be with her - great, but if she doesn't than you know that you made a decision for you.  I hope this helps and good luck... Warmest Wishes,  Erica