Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/20/2008

Question
QUESTION: Ok so one day a girl told me that her friend wanted to talke to me. I didn't think of it as much at first but we started talking anyways. We ended up going together and we both were happy and both of our families & friends(with an exception of a few) thought we were perfect together. But after a month of being together she told me she doesnt want to be in a relationship anymore because she figure our relationship was heading in some new territory she's never been in before. She said she never been in a relationship past 3 months. We continued to stay together but she kept on hinting she wasnt ready for this to happen. After 3 months she said she wants out of this relationship. She said she still loved me but she is confused. After a week she ends up going with another guy. I figure I should give her space since shes with someone now, but cousins, friends, and even her friends, and siblings want us back together. However, I feel I have no say in this or that should listen to anything I would say. On top of that I dont even know what I would say to her. I want her back and I know she still has feelings for me(even though she tries to play it off like she dont in front of everybody), but I dont wanna sound desperate but I feel I can ignore the situation.

ANSWER: Hi Dru,
Well, unfortunately - as painful as it may be - your ex has moved on by starting to date someone else.  You are absolutely correct when you say that you have no control over it... no matter how you feel, your family and friends feel - the decision is ultimately hers and she has appeared to have made a decision.  Breakups are hard and very painful..... If she knows how you feel - I wouldn't say anything more to her about how you are feeling because it isn't going to change anything.  What I would do is deal with what you are feeling, write it down (but, don't give it to her), remember the good times, but remember that you are a GREAT person who deserves someone as FABULOUS as you are.... If she has feelings for you she will let you know and then you can make a choice from there... until then (if that ever happens) I would start the healing process and surround yourself with great people and things that you enjoy doing.  Good luck and I hope this helps...

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Dear Erica,
First I like to say thank you dearly for your advice and time. Your previous answer, as it was very helpful in my decision-making. However now I find myself in another situation. Its been a week now since I last sent you my question and I have started to move on with my life and is finding out that of women want to talk to me now that im single(how in the world do they find out so fast?). But Im not that kind of person who would rush into relationship right after I get out of one because I find it a little disrespectful to her, myself, and ex. But I still talk to these women just to see who they are as a person. Well my ex, found out that Im talking to other women now and she is mad. Now I would only think this is where she wants me back now and is jealous and all that stuff. But she says still doesnt want me back, but yet she calls me more than ever now(plus she has a man). I would like to say all the signs are pointing that she wants me back, but she says she doesnt. Pretty soon, there is gonna be a time where I want to start another relationship w/someone but if I still have that feeling that she wants me then I would consider going back out with her.

Answer
Hi Dru,
I think it is great that you realize that the answer is definitely not to jump into another situation because that would not be good for you.  You need to deal with the loss of your relationship, feel great about yourself, have a great time with friends and family, and give yourself some time to heal and breathe.  Although we would always like to think that our ex's want us back when we start dating and talking to others - the truth is they usually don't.  And if they do come back its not long lasting.  It's normal for all of us to feel some jealousy and regret when the person that we were with starts moving on with their life.  Sometimes the jealousy is so strong that we don't make the right decisions which is why relationships don't last when we go back just because we don't want the other person to move on.  It is a loss for both parties when a breakup occurs.  There is the dumper and the dumpee and both parties have to deal with sadness and remorse.  That is normal.  I would take a huge time out right now and "hope" is the one thing that prevents us from moving on completely and that is normal as well. But, when we accept the rejection and the fact that the relationship is over it becomes a little easier to move on.  I wish you the best in this situation because it isn't easy.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes.... Erica