Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/15/2008

Question
My Junior year of high school I started dating a girl who ended up being the best thing that has ever happened to me. We were together for three happy years. Anyone who has been with someone for that long will now appreciate the pain I must be going through. Our relationship was something special. Most people can’t talk to their partner about absolutely anything. They may think they can…but they can’t the way I could. Me and Mary Lynn became so close over time that we revealed our darkest secrets to each other. I used to be a protective person before I met her but she never gave me a reason to not trust her. I learned to trust someone without ever doubting them…that’s a hard thing to feel for someone. I’m not a very honest person…but over time, I learned to speak the truth to her always, even if I did something wrong. She never lied to me either and I trusted her with my heart and soul. This was the girl I was about to marry.

When two people become as close to each other as we did…they become so comfortable that they tend to feel like they can say or do whatever they want and their partner will never leave them. Mary started acting differently and yelling at me when I didn’t deserve it. It was hurting me and I told her to stop. She kept apologizing and feeling bad…so I forgave her each time. It kept happening and it became like a cycle of pain, guilt, and forgiveness. I realized that I wasn’t getting through to her by just letting her know it was killing me. I started to yell back. The cycle continued but something happened…she changed. My yelling actually worked. She was back to her old self again and we were happy for a long time. Unfortunately…I was so used to yelling when I was mad, I kept yelling even when it wasn’t necessary. We have both said some horrible and even unforgivable things to each other.

So life went on and she kept letting me down and I kept yelling. Keep in mind that I wasn’t being myself. Before her, I had never yelled at anyone the way I had learned to do so well. This wasn’t the real me…but I had let my soul become consumed in anger. Little did I know…I was losing her.

Mary was worried about me dropping out of school so she began talking to my friend and fraternity brother Carlos about it. He should have come to me and told me that I was losing her but he never once warned me. From my point of view we were getting along great because she was always happy and laughing. We were always telling each other we love each other and the night before it happened she looked me in the eyes and told me she loved me and then we went to bed.

The next day was weird because she told me she wanted to sleep at her place for the week instead. I respect her decisions and her freedom so of course I told her it was fine with me. That night she was hanging out with Carlos and expressing how she was scared for me. She just needed a friend to talk to and he took advantage of her emotions. She started crying so he hugged her. She asked him how he felt and he told her he wanted to be with her. Then he kissed her. She liked how it felt so she didn’t stop him. They kept kissing and eventually they stopped themselves and agreed that night never to let it happen again.

  The next morning Mary came back and told him she wanted to be with him because she liked the way it felt. So for the rest of the week they secretly made out in his room. I saw her a few times that week but I figured she just needed some time away from my cramped room.

Her dad drove us home for spring break and the next day I called her. I could tell something was wrong so I asked. She told me that we needed to speak in person. Mary came over to my house and we went for a walk over to a pond near my house. She told me it was over because she didn't love me anymore. I knew that wasn't true because she just told me she loved me a few days before. I got angry because I knew she wasn't telling the truth and kept asking over and over again "Who is it?" She kept denying it until finally she gave up and told me she had cheated on me with Carlos.

Of course I was really angry about this and started to yell and say really mean things when something stopped me. Somehow through all the hate and anger I realized that it was hate and anger that made me lose her in the first place. In mid-yell I stopped and closed my eyes and said "I'm sorry..." Of course…she was surprised that I was apologizing to the one who cheated on ME. I kept apologizing and telling her things would be better and begging her to take me back. She told me to accept that it was over. After three years of happiness…it was very hard for me to believe that it could end just like that.

Eventually I gave up and she went home and I threw up a few times from feeling so awful. I didn’t eat for a few days after that because every time I tried…I threw up again. That night she called me at like 2:00am and of course I was up because I couldn’t sleep. She was crying and saying she was sorry and she made an awful mistake. I believed her and was happy that she wanted me back. I mean…yeah she cheated on me but I knew we could get past this and give our relationship a chance. I told her I forgave her and that I deserved what I got…I meant every word of it too. We went to bed happy, knowing that we were back together and we were going to fix the wrongs that had been made.

The next morning I asked her if she wanted to hang out and we went to the mall. I realized how unhappy she was and I asked her what it was. She told me she still had feelings for him and that she couldn't be with me until she figured them out. At this point I realized there really was nothing else I could do but let her go.

She asked me if I still wanted to stay friends and I accepted because I still love her and she’ll always be my best friend even if we can’t be together. Since then we've been talking and trying to cheer each other up. I feel better when I talk to her but when she leaves the pain comes back. I know that she’d be happier with me now that I’ve changed but she doesn’t realize it because of the way Carlos used her. She was obviously at a tough point in her life and instead of being a good friend he broke every rule you’re never supposed to break. I know deep down that this will hurt her if she stays with him because of the type of person he is now.

My question is this. What can I do to make her realize her love for me again? Everyone tells me to move on but losing her has harshly made me realize how much I really care about her. I can be happy with someone else again someday but I don’t want that. Most people don’t understand when I tell them I will never give up trying to be with her. So instead of giving me advice on how to move on…help me win back her heart. Carlos is a really sweet guy and would do anything for her. However, I know she feels too much guilt from what she did to be truly happy with him. When she talks to him she is happy but she told me even as a friend, talking to me makes her sad. I don’t know if I should be distant or if I should remain close and show her how much I’ve improved. I know this is a long story but please…your help could make me happy again.

Thank you so much,
Jeff


Answer
Hi Jeff,
I am sympathetic to your pain and what you are going through.  However, I am very honest and you may not like what I have to say.  This has OVER written all over it.... There is nothing that you can do and honestly... there is nothing that you should want to do.  I know you are flooded with emotions - especially hurt - probably to the point where you feel like your heart physically aches.  But, take a step back - seriously.... your ex girlfriend and frat brother disrespected and crossed boundaries that are absolutely unforgiveable. But, the male alpha side of you doesn't have you thinking rationally right now.  Trust me.  She feels sad because she should - total lack of respect.  My advice to you is this:  NO CONTACT with either of them - they don't deserve it .... ACCEPT and BE THANKFUL that it is over - because even if the 2 of you did get back together it would most likely end in disaster because you won't get over this.... trust me... and finally: go make a great life for yourself.... fill it with great people who love and respect you.... this pain that you are feeling right now... it does go away.... it takes a long time, but it does and eventually you will be with someone who knows that you are FABULOUS.... good luck... and I hope this helps.