Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/2/2008

Question
thanks for reading first of all.here it goes.me and my girlfriend were dating about 2 years.it was so good but on my end it was tough sometimes.she is a muslim and i am not.so i couldnt meet her dad but i did talk to mom and i would hang out occationally with mom and thats was  alot of progress considering  she wants her daughter to be  with muslim from pakastan.i could only see her once or twice a week and when i did it was  only for about  5 hours tops on fri and she couldnt spend the night with me  cause of her mom.she  married a white guy and he cheated on her and her family  would not take her back if she moves out with someone other then  a muslim.she has a 7 year old daughter and i have a daughter  as well.the girl dad is not there for her  i can say i was i even got her alot of xmas stuff cause she had nothing and i felt bad.we never spend a sun together all day in bed and theres alot of other stuff we didnt do.i ask her to marry me and she said yes and i gave her ring and when she got mad she would always give it back.so the plan was for me to move to de and in time she would move in but i wanted her to move in with me cause i wiould be relocating from md to de.she said she could nt now.i am in recovery from alcohal and i was sober and clean for almost 11 years and i relapse about a year into rlationshipand then i would drink for a weekend every 3 months until now i put myself in treatment and i been clean for a month.i had strong recovery for a long time but i am  here now and it is strong.  in told her i would move there in jan and then i said lets wait 3 months please and i know she was excited and i  mad her sad but she would tell me i was her life and she would never leave me all the time even the day before she broke up with me. she broke up with me on jan 7 this year.i was so so hurt  and she wouldnt even talk to me.i tried to surprise her at work and she acted like she didnt even know me.i started to drink again for about 2 weeks and she didnt know and then i put myself in treatment.while i was in there she couldnt  find me and she was callin all my friends telling them she wants to be with me and she loved me and even called the police for me.i got out of treatment for 14 days and i hear this so she calls me and syas she wouldnt throw away 2 years we been together and  how could i not tell anyone where i was.i didnt want her to know .so she begs me to hang out and tells me it was a mistake she left me and she would newver do it again and said she was a  mess because she couldnt find me.she tells me she is seeing someone else and  if i didnt drink when i did this last time  she would get back with me right now and i need to show her  i wont before she does.i was like i wasnt drinking when you broke up with me the pain of your breaking up was alot and i drank.i took full resposibility for that without blaming her it was me who drank but now i am good and i am going to be good.she has been callin me like her boyfriend still  but when i ask her would she let this other guy go she wont answer.she told me he doesnt even come close to me and he isnt handsome like me.his insides are not like me. i cant stop relating to her as my girlfriend but she calls me alot but when i went to kiss her she said no it would be fair to him!!the guy she is seein we broke up not even 2 moths ago.so i could use a little help sorry if i wasnt clear.i do love her alot.my dad is dying and i said if you mean what you said you would be there for me now!!!  i am confused

Answer
Dear Chebon,
I think that it is important that you take some time for you right now.  You really need to focus in on yourself and figure out what it is that you want in life.... Set some goals, find out what you enjoy, surround yourself with wonderful people, and stay sober.  They tell you in the 12 step program to not have relationships for a year because relationships take the focus off of you.  So, you need to decide what is really important and the answer should be YOU.... If things are suppose to work out with your ex - they will in time.... But, they are very unhealthy and unstable right now and that isn't a good place for you to be.  She obviously isn't sure about what she wants and you are placing so much focus on her and your relationship when the focus needs to be placed on you and what you want to do... Please do that for yourself - everything else will work out in the end even if it means that the 2 of you aren't together, but take control of your own life and get better.... You will then feel amazing.... Good luck and I hope this helps