Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/25/2008

Question
QUESTION: This is a long one so... Me and my girlfriend have been together for 6 years and this was a serious relationship. I have done allot for her in the past years and the same for her. The main reason why she broke up with me was because she felt I didn't pay enough attention to her, didn't love her as much as she loved me, which was true and there was another guy talking to her at this time. I have no idea where to start. Well she broke up me and we got back together right away, stayed together for another week and she broke up with me again. This happened about 3 times back in January.
From there to here she is dating this guy, but continued to talk to me. Right now I don't call her she only calls me, which is daily and we usually talk briefly. She still cares for me (she tells me) and I for her. The other day was my birthday and she came over to have some dinner at a restaurant with me and my parents. Afterwards she drove me around and we talked, we laughed, and related to each other. Earlier in the week she toled me she missed me and misses my  body (well built body). So while she was driving around we grope eachother and have fun, but nothing sexual. She ordered a present for me off the internet, but she says she's going to make me a gift thats not really a birthday gift. We also made the promise to eachother who ever we date that we will still keep our virginities to eachother (no sex with anyone else). She cares about this other guy she goe's to school with also and they spend allot of time together, and texting. They spend time alone in her house allot and it does concerned me and she also tells me that she hasn't done anything with him. And in 3 months he's moving to texas also. Me and her practically made it clear to eachother that were most likely getting back together down the line.

Well basically I'm looking for advice on what to do. Its pretty obvious we still care about eachother, but she is very hesitant on spending time with me and/or how she feels about me. Her spending time with this guy kills me and I want/need her back in my life. I want to win her back some how. I wrote her a little kinda love note with some art she likes on it, she said she doesn't mind getting it and would make her happy to read it. I need advice on what to do, how to act? Should I invite her to go with me places, or should I also find a little date girl? What would be best to help me in this situation? Every body tells me basically forget her move on, but well I don't want to.

This isn't even half of the things that has happened, but pretty much sums up the situation right now. If you need more I could tell you, but would like some advice.
Pleeeeeeaaaaase :)

ANSWER: Dear Michael,
I would start with the infamous 60 day rule... That is 60 days of no contact.... very very difficult... but, very much necessary because she has the best of both worlds right now.... Her needs are being met by you and other needs are being met by him.  You deserve to be loved completely by someone whether its her or someone you meet in the future.  You should never have to act a certain way.  This will consume your life if it hasn't already and drive you absolutely crazy if it hasn't already.  You need to take your own power back.  We have no control over anyone else's choices or the outcome of a situation that involves another person's decisions.  I would take this time and surround myself with great people, do the things that I enjoy doing, and figuring out what it is that I want in my life.  Let her do what she needs to do... she will figure it out, but no matter what the outcome is - 60 days from now with no contact is going to be your light at the end of the tunnel.... you are going to be in a different place with your emotions, thoughts, and hopes... So, please stop hurting yourself and give yourself a chance to heal.... I wish you the best and hope this helped... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: I know exactly what you mean. My best friend has been telling me that for a while now and also my parents. My main concerned is that since I'm not around she will get closer to him. I have this thing, I lost my virginity to her and hers to me, I am very weird that if she were to have sex or do anything sexual with another person then I wouldn't know what to do. My friend tells me she won't and so do my parents, and I asked her and she tells me she hasn't. Infact we wear these hair tie thingies on our wrist (one I chose out for her and one she chose for me) to show we will stay I guess you can say celibate to eachother.

I am very concerned since I'm not around anymore that she will forget about me, although my friends and parents tell me other wise. They tell me that we dated for six years and someone doesn't just get over that and have sex with someone else just like that. Will this break make her think of me more or forget about me? will this most likely help or break this relationship? I know that you don't know the future, but I would like to know what you think of this. Thank you

Answer
Hi Michael,
Your right... I can't predict the future, but I can tell you that you need to focus in on you right now and what you are doing and where your life is going..... She won't forget about you - you spent a lot of time together... I do understand why you feel that way - its part of the process of letting go.  As for being intimate with someone else - she may/she may not - in the grand scheme of things its really not the most important part of this picture.  When you move on with your life - that may happen.  However, you need to take the focus off of her and place it on yourself and your life.  That is very important.... you need to figure out what you really want.  The rest is up to a higher power because we have no control in a relationship except for our own actions and ourselves.  We are powerless over the other person and their actions.... period.  Good Luck and I hope this works out for you.  Warmest Wishes, Erica