Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/2/2008

Question
Erica,

I am a 26 years old and had been with my boyfriend for 5 years. Around may of last year we had gotten into a petty fight which pretty much led to a series of events and then a break up.

Except for 1 big issue in our relationship, I felt that we had an amazing relationship...the only problem was that I wanted to remain a virgin until marriage. At first he was ok with it and although he made comments here and there about it he never really mentioned having a big problem with it until 6 months prior to our separation and then he let it go. However, the petty fight in May led to him giving me the ultimatum of either having sex or breaking up. He told me he could not marry someone without knowing if there was a sexual connection. Of course, i reacted in rage and felt cheated because he had assured me it was ok for so long. I thought we had a sexual connection eventhough we did not actually have sexual intercourse. At first my virginity was ok and 5 years later he was telling me it was not? How unfair is that? The feeling of pressure also added to my rage and I refused to give in. He mentioned still seeing eachother periodically and i refused. We spent from may to august in limbo...and in august met up to talk. this conversation did not go well at all...we blamed eachother for everything and I cried. I blamed him for misleading me for so long and he blamed me for making "no sex" a condition precedent to our relationship. at the end of the conversation he mentioned wanting to be friends and I told him I did NOT and could not be his friend. Before he left he assured me it would not be the last time I heard from him. I was heartbroken but decided that he needed time and that he would come around. he contacted me in November to wish me Happy Thanksgiving and we again spoke in December for the holidays. However, when january came around I found out that he began dating someone. It was at this moment that I realized I had been waiting for him to "come around" and he had not. So, I contacted him and told him I wanted to speak. We met up and I told him I had not been able to move on and that I was still in love with him. Unfortunately, he told me that he was no longer in love with me and that he had begun dating someone new.  This absolutely destroyed me but i thought it was the closure i needed. However, a week later i sent him a long letter explaining how I felt about him and that I thought that he was in a trance with this new girl. He told me that he cared about me but that he was now in love with this new girl and that i needed to understand that. I could not believe it...i still cannot believe it.

Just that day in May he had told me "happy mother's day to the future mother of my children" and on my birthday in June he sent me flowers with a note that said "happy birthday to the woman i love"  Our relationship had not been perfect but we never had any really serious issues...The problems that we did have were things that would eventually be fixed. I had even heard that he had gone ring hunting in the spring of the previous year.

We met when i was 20 and he was 22. at that time he had recently been divorced from his high school sweetheart who after 6 years together told him "she lost her love for him". We began dating 6 months after we had met which was my last year in college. After that i began law school. A year after I graduated from law school and passed the bar is when all of this began. Ironically, this would have been the perfect time for us to spend more time together.

During this time i have analyzed my life and have put in perspective what is important to me. The decision to remain a virgin was somewhat of a goal that i had at age 20 and that was easy to maintain since he was ok with it. Unfortunately, the way he went about trying to move to the next step in our relationship and the fact that i felt pressured, completly closed me up to the possibility of having sex with him. I know i was not perfect in the relationship and that I made mistakes, but i cannot understand how a relationship that was pretty much healthy ended in an unexpected break up. I lost the love of my life.

I cannot understand how he could have been in love with me for 5 years and in 5 months fall in love with someone else. My friends all say i should just accept that he has moved on and do the same.  I havent been sitting around waiting for him but emotionally I feel like I am waiting for him...I cant feel any connection with any guy that comes around or give any guy i chance because i dont think anyone matches up to him and i am still completely in love with him. I think we deserve a second chance. I feel like he went looking for sex and now that he has it he feels like its way better than anything we had since he had gone 5 years without intercourse with me. Is it cold feet? Will he come back? Did he really fall out of love with me?

I am sorry this is so long. Thanks for your help!


Answer
Dear Confused,
Unfortunately, your friends are right you need to start the process of moving on because he has and he is telling you that he has.  As adament as you were about your decision to abstain from sexual intercourse until marriage - he decided that he didn't want to wait which is his choice as is yours.  People change over time and this was obviously a very important issue to both of you even though you didn't agree.
From what you state in your email you could want a second chance with him, but I don't think that is going to happen... and would you really want to sacrifice your decision because he hasn't changed his mind about his.  You are now feeling magnitudes of rejection which is causing you to contact him and try to convince him to try again.  According to your email he has been honest and has moved on with his life.  You need to try to accept his decision and begin the healing process.  There are men out there who are abstaining as well.  But, before you get into another relationship you should take some time out for you and to figure out exactly what it is that you want and the things that you enjoy.
This is going to be a very difficult time for you so please surround yourself with loving family and friends to help you get through this.  I would suggest not contacting him because you are going to continue to get rejected and it will set you back.  I hope this helps... Good Luck