Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/4/2008

Question
Mad, angry, hurt, feeling betrayed??.

So its a long story but in the briefest of versiosn.. I met htis guy about 2 years ago, we became good friends, at teh time he was dating someone. He tells me later that he knew I liked him at the time, but he decided in his own mind, 'I only see her as a friend." some time later, he breaks up with her (b/c he just didn't feel the same about her)

Some time passes, we flirt A LOT. I eventually tell him how I feel, he says it cant/wont be, he doesn't feel the same b.c were friends and thats what he decided way back... I become sad, go through a rough patch, decide friendship is more important. become close again... then OOPs shit were making out.... hmmm we decide, friends with benefits b.c neither of us want a relationship at the moment (he said its to soon after his break up, I just say it..)
So we continue on, and become everything in a relationship aside form PBA and a few other lil things. I stay oer at his house we do things together etc etc (no sex..) He does tell me that we are strictly FWB and either one of us could find someone else... but he also says he doesnt know where it might go with us...

SOOOO were close, happy, etc, I leave for my semester abroad.. I become depressed and miss him a lot, and realize how much I care for him (he knew all along i think)

So I talk to one of my friends back at Uni. (our story is we pretty much became friends because of the rough period i was going through with this guy, she talked with me etc. and while I was away i confided in her the most about him, so she knew how much i cared and EXACTLY how I felt, adn how miserable I was without him.. she became friends with him because of me before I left.

Then a month later. BAM! there dating...

bad stuff, sadness, crappy talks.. etc

longer story short, I decided hes to good of a friend to lose, but now I've lost part of the friendship I feel, and I hate this girl so much ( i don't actually hate but i am using this term).... He wants me to tell the girl i don't hate her... but it hurts and i care so much about him but Im so lost...

I know its silly, and move on, is teh answer, this stuff happens.. but do i have a right to be so upset and feel so betrayed?

Answer
Dear Kat,
As much as I would like to tell you that you have the right to be... you don't.... No.... because he was honest.... now... is he a jerk for changing the rules all of the time - absolutely - but, you allowed him to and went with the new rules knowing your feelings for him.  I had a similar situation once.... best friend in the whole world.... we took it to another level even though he didn't want to date or have a relationship with me (he would date and have relationships with others) but, not with me... and I fulfilled all of the emotional, spiritual, mental, and physical needs for him and he still had the ability to go and do what he wanted to do.... Guess what.... as of today.... we are no longer friends..... I am sure that there is a part of us that will always care about each other because we were so close, but we made a bad decision without defining all of the guidelines and guess what... he is dating someone else.... these situations only cause for pain to atleast one of the parties involved.  So, do I think that you need to tell her or him anything? NO.... as a matter of fact... I would take my power back and make some new friends.... there is no friendship in this world that is more important than my own self respect and dignity.... and if you were good enough to mess around with - you were good enough to be with... his loss and unfortunately... he just wasn't that into you.... but, you won't be into everyone that is into you either... its human dynamics.... I wish you the best and good luck..