Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/7/2008

Question
QUESTION: I am 29 years old and my boyfriend 24. He is a very good looking asian american. I am originally from china. He is very athletic, senstive, honest and very nice guy. I am a very attractive girl as well and people always guess i am in my early 20s.

We have been dating a year and 1 month. Things are good between us. We are physically attractive to each other very much and we make each other to laugh a lot. He shows a lot of passion to me. He suggested to move in with me half a year ago out of my surprise and so we did. The problem now is that I feel he is the one for me and I am ready to settle down now but he is not. He says I am not his ideal girl because we don’t have that much in common, like I don’t play much computer games as he does, and we have different opinion on things(like politics). He says he is only 24, he wants to date more people but he also realize that what we have is great. He says he can't say he loves me because he doesn’t know what love really is. And he can't make any promises unless he is going to propose. He likes me a lot but he can’t marry me. What he says is really hurtful. I decided to break up with him right after his speech. He then freaked out. He said he really likes me a lot and he doesn’t want to break up with me. He is not ready to settle down but things might change. What should I do? I really like him a lot, deeply attracted to him. Part of me wants to wait just be patient maybe he will realize that i am the one. Part of me wants out. I don't know what to do. Please help. Thank you!

ANSWER: Dear oneapple,

Out it is and out it should be!! Please re-read your email to me.  You are asking me if I think you should settle.... absolutely not.. let him go date - thats great, but he misses out on the fabulous you.... whether he is 24 or 34 doesn't matter.... Move out and move on... you will save yourself a lot of heart ache because if you don't stick to your decision your ultimatums will mean nothing..... You can't force someone to settle down, but if he relly wants to be with you the conversations will never sound like the ones that you describe in your email..... they would sound a whole lot different.  I applaud you for wanting to stand up for yourself..... Great Job.... Out it is... Good luck and I hope this helps..

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: The current apartment is under my name, he is not on the lease, so maybe I can ask him to move out? I am hesitant to do so because it makes me like i am cruel. And I still have a lot of feeling towards him. After the talk that night, he is super sweet to me. I guess he just really is too young to know what he has. He said he wish he has dated more girls before me. And he also says that maybe there is no one better than me.

Is there still some hope for me? I know it is wrong for me to stick around,but it might be wrong for me to give up too. How to get over him without being heart broken first?


Answer
There is no way to get over him without being heart broken and the truth is to feel that pain is actually a good thing... it allows us to grow and learn what it is that we want and don't want in a relationship.  It allows us to demand the things that are important to us and not settle for anything less.  I would definitely ask him to leave - you shouldn't be held hostage because you feel bad.  It isn't cruel to do that when your needs aren't being met.  You should really stand up for yourself and empower yourself with great choices.  Well, let him go and see if he finds someone that he "thinks" may or may not be better for you.  You need to think of you first and your needs..... there has to be a mutual understanding, desire, love, and respect.  I would do what is best for you.... Good Luck and I hope this helps.