Expert: ***ERICA*** - 3/9/2008

Question
hi i am leslie i am 22 years old.  my boyfriend of 8 months just broke up with
me over the phone.  he was the first person i ever loved, and he moved away
just before we got together. our relationship was primarily long distance, but
he asked me to move to washington with him when i graduated college in
may.  i decided not to apply for graduate school and move in with him, i was
ecstatic.   we had everything planned out, when we would see eachother,
when we would look for apartments, everything.  we tried as hard as we could
to see eachother every few weeks.  i know he loved me, we were the couple
that everyone hated, we were truly in love and i know this.  he wasn't
dishonest, he was a genuine person, i know he would do anything to make
me happy.   everytime i talked to him however, i cried, i was stressed, i was
finishing my last year of college, it was a stressful time, and he was working
over 60 hours a week.  i felt like we didn't talk enough, or secretly i felt like
he really didn't care to talk to me.  i think he got sick of this, when really if he
loved me he would have understood i was going through the hardest time in
my life.  in january we almost broke up because he felt that i was treating
him bad and always wanted my way.  i felt that he never stepped up and told
me what hurt him and when.  he never communicated his feelings with me, he
told me i should realize if i'm treating him this way (but however i cannot
read minds and by him always being passive he made everything seem okay).  
he always reassured me to not give up, and things would be okay, and told
me not to get cold feet.  he told me numerous times, no we won't break up, i
love you.  he kept me optimistic and gave me hope in our relationship.  i
trusted him because i loved him.   if i had been treating him bad i knew it was
my anxiety and stress probably taken out on him.  i constantly apologized. i
told him i would work on it, but he would have to communicate with me as
well.  he said it was wearing on him.  we reconciled and i thought everything
was fine.  then 2 months later, i thought things were okay (which was a few
days ago) i left after visiting him to go back to california.  there wasn't a hint
that anything was wrong.  he told me he loved me, we had a wonderful
weekend together, and he called me and told me it was over.  i was in shock.  
he was a completely different person than i had ever known.  he was cold,
rude, and unremorseful, he said he was sick of my pessimism, and he felt
trapped, he said we weren't as compatible as we thought we were.  i am so
lost and confused.  this person was my life, he made me incredibly happy and
i sacrificed so much for him.  he never told me any of these things, i thought
that relationships had hard times, especially in our situation and that we were
to work through them. i feel like it wasn't worth it to him, that he just needed
to let our relationship go downhill by not telling me how he felt.  he always
made everything seem okay.  after fights we would resolve our differences
and i would always make sure there was no stone left unturned, and no
grudges.  i feel like someone in my life has died, i wake up in the morning
and do not want to do anything.  i cannot sleep or eat.  all i want is him back.  
i am so confused.  i dont know what i did wrong, i would do anything to fix it.  
and to make it worse we are 2 states away.  i feel that he made this easier for
himself and harder for me. he intentionally did not say it to my face so he
could detach from me emotionally.   i am in debt, i have no job, and i have an
uncertain future because of this relationship ending.  i have my family and
friends but he was the thing that made my life complete.  and what hurts the
most is that i know he loved me as much as i loved him, but he said because
we weren't completely head over heels in love it wasn't fair.  he thought i was
and he wasn't.  i feel as though he is just rationalizing for his actions.  i just
feel lost at this moment.

Answer
Leslie,
Everything you are feeling is the normal feelings that accompany a breakup.  The good news is (even though you don't believe there is any right now) is that you didn't uproot your life and move in with him to have him do this later.  I know that this is a very difficult time.  There are 2 things that are extremely painful during a breakup... the first is the rejection: we always look at ourselves as the reason why they didn't want to be with us - when 90 percent of the time they have their own agenda going on .... the second is acceptance: once we are able to accept and listen to what they are saying : which is that they don't want to be with us - it makes it a little easier.  You shouldn't take all of the responsibility for the breakup.  When 2 people want to make it work - they do.  He has checked out of the relationship and you need to create your own life.  By doing the little things and the big things that you need to do to make a great life for yourself you will start to feel better.  Try to not contact him because at the very least you want to keep your self dignity and self respect.  There is no reason for you to look for an explanation... A breakup is just that: a breakup.  It takes a great deal of time to get over someone and sometimes it is so painful and we feel so lost that we have to take each day second by second and moment by moment.  The only person you have control over is yourself.  You can't change the situation and you surely can't change him.  Relationships are hard enough... long distance relationships are even harder because to some degree they aren't an everyday reality.  I know that you want to make things right because you love him, but the best thing you can do is concentrate on you and build an incredible life for yourself.  You have accomplished so much - you have a lot to look forward to.  Make new friends, get a job, join different social activities, etc... otherwise, you will drive yourself crazy thinking about the situation.  I promise you that it does get easier if you start to accept the fact that he just doesn't want this.... I promise.... Good Luck and I hope this helps..