Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/4/2008

Question
Erica,

I have been with S for 7 years and lived with him for 4 years in London.  We have had our ups and downs, as does every relationship, but I generally thought things were going OK.  But S told me 3 weeks ago that he needed some space and was moving to his sisters, which he did that morning.

I would appreciate your advice on how to deal with this situation as I'm finding it hard to know what best to do.  I am trying to give S his space, but wonder whether this means he will just forget me.  

S agreed to meet me 2 weeks ago to talk about the problems, and the previous Monday (though things were all too new to both of us to discuss much then).  Things sounded positive as we covered new ground in terms of what problems he sees in our relationship. But the most recent meeting with S on Wednesday did not go well. He said he felt like he was not sure if he could ever consider coming back right now. He could not say if this would change, but I am worried his stubbornness will cause him to leave me for good.  We have plenty of good points and a good relationship overall and I hate to think that he is not prepared to work on this and will just throw it all away cos it is 'too hard/scary' to do otherwise.

To give you more background, we are both aged 31. Prior to living with me, S had finished his university degree and had moved from university back in with his Dad outside of London. S and I met at 17 years old as we both lived in the same area.  S was dating a friend of mine, R. S went out with R for several years into R's first year of university.  S did a gap year in Canada and R cheated on him.  S and R gave it another go when he returned to the UK but S decided to break up with R after another few months, probably as he could no longer trust her.  S and I remained friends as we had other friends in common (apart from R).  So we kept in contact and I realised when I returned from overseas for a holiday to the UK that I really liked S.  When I came to live back in the UK we met up a few times and after a few started dating.  After a couple of years S got a job in London and decided to move from his Dad's in with me in London.   Our jobs can both be stressful and S is currently studying for a qualification in his field of work which has meant extra stress on him.  He is resitting the exam/interview for the second time round shortly.

We have our ups and downs but I had thought this was the same as most couples and that we were mostly doing OK until S said he was moving out as he needed some space.  It has all been a huge shock as I did not expect it.  I'm obviously still upset and really miss him.  I am in limbo at the moment as he cannot tell me exactly what he wants and whether he would ever move back in or whether we are over.  It's really hard and frustrating as there seems to be nothing I can do.  I am trying not to contact him too much as I don't want to push him away, but I want to let him know that I miss him like crazy.  The only indication I had that something was wrong was about a year ago when S was really down, but this was around the time of his qualification exams, so I figured it was to do with that.  He told me last week that a year ago was when he nearly left me, but he decided to give it another go - he didn't tell me any of this a year ago.

Can you give me some advice on how to deal with this situation and how I can try to persuade him that we should give our relationship another chance before giving up on it?

Many thanks,

C


PS - below are some thoughts on the issues S and I have..if this is too long you don't need to read them

The main problems in our relationship (from S' point of view, from what he has said since he moved out):
-My jealousy (of S getting on better than I do with my friends, and getting on well with girls at work), though S does not make this better - he danced with a girl at a party in front of me,though claims to have not realised that she was trying to make a move on him

-My temper/intolerence (I have a short temper and get irritated and angry very quickly, even over stupid little trivial things such as washing up done badly)

-My lack of support for S (I don't understand this one as I have tried to be supportive of S when he is going through a difficult time at work etc).  S says all of this has caused his confidence and self esteem to vanish - he has stopped making eye contact with people and feels very down on himself. Plus he has been trying to smooth things over by acting differently ie not talking to my friends too much when we go out as a group together, trying not to say anything when I am angry.  I'm upset as I this is something I was not aware he was doing. Also S says that when we have been overseas and he has been trying to communicate in a foreign language i have belittled him (again not something I'm aware of having done)

-My lack of sexual interest or putting effort into doing things in bed with S.  We have not had sex for a couple of months and for the past year or so it has been very infrequent. S thinks I don't fancy him, despite me telling him I do.

-My lack of effort with S' friends.  From S' point of view, I think he would say I don't try hard enough with his friends (work or otherwise).

-S' lack of confidence-he has admitted that he is not confident enough

Main problems in the relationship (my POV):
-lack of confidence in ourselves and each other (friends, stress, sex). i have always been scared he will leave me since the start of the relationship as I know he's such a catch and worry other girls will try to steal him.  S compares himself with my ex's in terms of sex and says he feels he can't turn me on and is never good enough. We used to have good enough sex but for the last year or so it seems he is always throwing himself at me when I'm tired at 12pm on Friday night and I'd rather just have a cuddle as I know this will succeed, rather than sex where it never seems to go perfectly and then I end up feeling guilty for being rubbish/frigid in bed.

-my jealousy

-my intolerence/anger

-lack of proper communication in times of stress/problem - I shout when I should stop and dicuss what's making me angry, S never says anything about the negative stuff in our relationship (which of course winds me up even more when I'm angry) and seems to be afraid of me and of me provoking him so he finally cracks and turns into an angry person which reminds him of his Dad (I have done this and I'm not proud of it now I understand why he doesn't like it).

-unclear idea of what each of us wants in the future-not sure if S would be happy to come to live overseas with me as he would miss his friends and the UK plus he hates even going away on holiday overseas for the first

-we don't spend enough 'couples' time together - before he moved out we would only ever go out for dinner because we had to (ie there was no food in the house) and would rarely plan anything for just the two of us.

-S is too laid back about things ie. money/joint bank account, bills, cleaning/tidying etc.  I always like to pay bills as soon as possible so I don't need to worry that I still haven't paid them, S can leave them until the red bill comes. I like to pay the rent on time, S is happy to let it slide for a couple of weeks.  Not an insurmountable problem, but something that keeps cropping up.


Other background that may influence the situation:
General: We are at the point where many of our friends are (getting) engaged/married/having babies.  S' sister has just got engaged to her partner (S is now staying at their flat).  We have been together so many years friends and family can't help but ask when S will propose.  I know that S is afraid of commitment and this can't help, but I have not pushed him on this front at all.  I would like to get married to him and have kids with him one day but not right now, though if he had proposed to me prior to the Saturday when moving out, I would have said yes.

S:
-S is currently about to retake his professional qualification exams.  Last time round it really dented his confidence and he got bad feedback and felt like he did awfully at the viva-type interview.
-Previous relationships:S has only really had serious relationship with R and with me.  He is not the kind of person to go for a one-night-stand.
-Family: S' parents divorced when he was about to start Uni.  They both remarried.  His Mum went to live with a distant relative of his Dad's in Canada, whom she later married.  His sister later moved in with his Mum for a couple of years.  S' sister also went to Canada following a break up with her ex. S was really annoyed that his sister didn't tell him about the breakup but just went straight to Canada. S is still bitter about having to pay towards his Mum's pension as she spent all the money from her divorce settlement and is now nearly broke. S is bitter about his Dad shouting at his Mum before they split up and does not want to turn out like that.  He resents the fact that his Dad stopped paying towards uni fees which meant that S was broke throughout his uni degrees and is only just starting to recover from that debt now. S may be bitter towards me since I have long since cleared any uni debts and have a fair amount of savings.  I try never to rub this in his face of course. S' Mum takes medicine for depression; S' Dad has tried to commit suicide (when S' Mum left).
-Because of his parents' divorce S had a very close knit group of friends at uni who I think were his support network (whereas I have always fallen back on my parents in times of trouble in the past).  Living in London has been hard for S in this respect - although he has a couple of uni friends here, it is not like old times and he doesn't even see too much of them. So in the past he has got into negative spirals where he says he has no friends, despite seeming to get on really well with work mates (of which I'm jealous as I have found it difficult making that kind of bond at work). S was depressed when a good friend in London moved overseas about a year ago.
-S has a good uni friend (also a commitment phobe) who got married last year, after his the friend's Dad died and made him realise that he should grab the good things in life while it counts.

Me:
-My job has the possibility of working overseas (for 2/3 years), something I am keen to do. I would like S to go with me, and I do not want to go away without S.  S and I have discussed this many times, each time me asking him if he is sure he will come too. He always says yes, but I wonder if he is just saying this to please me.
-I try to ensure S and I always mix up our social events ie. sometimes just me and my female friends/workfriends, other times S joins us, same with his friends when he sees them.
-Difficult areas where his ex (R) is getting married in 2 month's time, or where S wants to see my ex (A) who has been his good friend since childhood. We have always muddled by though these are both awkward areas.
-Previous relationships:  though I have had a couple of one-night stands, I tend to stay with one person for a long time.  Having said that my longest relationship prior to S was probably 1.5 years. Sex in previous relationships has been both better and worse than with me and S.

My personality:
-not as sociable as S I find it difficult to cope in large groups of new people; consequently I have been to a couple of his work dos and found it really awkward and uncomfortable, plus feel jealous he gets on so well with all the girls, in fact it seems like he gets on with some better than he does with me, which makes me jealous and sad.  But I am still sociable and see a variety of friends on a regular basis, plus keep in contact with those who are not in London and see them when I can. I prefer small groups of close friends than huge parties and work hard to make sure it isn't always just me and Stu and that I get enough time alone with my friends.
-uptight/stressed - when i have a lot on at work i get stressed quicker and find it difficult to relax properly. in this state i can easily snap/shout at S
-quick temper
-deep thinker  - i like to mull things over and analyse situations/people. this seems to drive S mad when I do it out loud.

S' personality:
-easy going and good at socialising and meeting new people, happy in groups of new people
-diplomat/conflict avoider - S does not like conflict and will go out of his way to avoid it and smooth things over, to the extent of burying the feelings
-slow-burn temper - S has lots of negative feelings/bitterness inside, about us and about his parents, about his lack of self confidence, and these only ever surface when I have really wound him up or when he is really drunk. he does not want to admit to having these feelings.
-poor communicator of own feelings - S cannot bring himself to speak to me, or others, easily about his feelings. I don't know exactly why (though I'm sure he's scared I will snap at him -he thought that would be my reaction to him moving out).


Answer
Dear C,
Thank you for the very detailed email so that I could give you my opinion on your situation.  I understand that it is very difficult to go through this right now and you are analyzing everything (which is normal), but... I think your ex has made up his mind.  He has taken every course of action to show you that he has made a decision and is sticking to it.  You are holding on to this incredibly strong feeling called "hope."  The 2 of you were together for a very long time, but there are some valid points in your email that show that the relationship wasn't moving to the same drummer.  It's wonderful that you realize what areas you need to work on in terms of a relationship.  This is the time for you to work on you and to be the person that you want to be.  A healthy relationship is based on trust and respect.  When either of those 2 ingrediants are missing - it spells disaster.  Also,.. it isn't very attractive or appealing to possess jealousy and anger.  We need to feel self worth and value and basically have a "if you leave me it is your loss" attitude.  I know that this appears to be game playing, but the truth is it saves us from going crazy and makes us much more attractive to the other person.  We need to maintain our own identities so that we can bring something to the table.  Whether you agree with his perceptions or not - he has obviously been thinking about ending this relationship for a long time.  Therefore, I think he has now found the courage to do it and will probably stick to it.  I have a golden rule when a couple breaks up - NO CONTACT for 60 days.  The reason for this is to allow all of the raw emotion(s) to calm down and to start rebuilding a life for yourself.  Once you accept his decision and realize that you cannot control the relationship or his choices - then and only then will you begin to heal.  The 2 of you were together for a long time.  There is no way that he will ever forget you even if the 2 of you were to never speak again for the rest of your lives.  You spent too much time together.  I know this hurts.  I know that you probably feel like your whole world was turned upside down.  I completely understand.  But, you must find the courage to start accepting his decision (if it changes later on - great), but if it doesn't than atleast you have a jump start on getting your life back together.  This is a great time for you to reevalute your life, your dreams, your goals, your wants, etc. and to start creating them.  You have the world in your hands right now with a million possibilities.  I hope you can find the strength and the courage to allow yourself to start to heal and to start learning more about you.  I hope this helps and I know that it wasn't what you were probably hoping to hear, but I am honest and have seen many couples go through this.  I wish you the best and good luck with this very difficult situation.  Warmest Wishes,  Erica