Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/17/2008

Question
My girlfiend has recently broken up with me and I am distraught. If anyone has the time to read this and has any advice on what she may be feeling, and what I should do, I would be really greateful.

We are both 23 and had been together for over 3 years until 2 weeks ago. During that time, which was 2 years at University, a year spent travelling afterwards, and then 6 months in London where we have both moved to start jobs, we were so in love. We always talked about living together, but then always came back to agreeing that we should wait. We were the couple who had so many mutual friends and everyone was jealous of our relationship because we never argued and worked so well together....it was effortless love. And in my opinion it was just as great 3 years in as it was at the start.

In January this year she suggested to me that we have a break for a couple of months. She said she needed to prove to herself that she can be independent, and can survive without me, and needed a bit of time apart. The first few months living apart and working in a new city were a strain on our relationship, but we still saw each other often, had as good sex as ever, and were madly in love. I agreed to a split because she is my first love and I thought it may make me know for sure what I want. Also, she had not been enjoying her new job / living arrangements and I thought it would do her good to see lots of friends and branch out a bit. So i said I would give her space and not speak for a few weeks. It took me about 3 weeks to realise for sure that i love her more than anything in the world. I had not experienced this before, but when i spoke to her after about 3 weeks, she said that she had been going through hell, so upset over me, feeling unwanted because I hadn't fought for her back. I told her I love her and was trying to give her space, and she said she was confused and had been trying to get over me, and didn't know what she wanted.

I had never thought to myself during that 3/4 weeks apart that we wouldn't get back together, and was distraught. A few weeks later she agreed to meet up, as we hadn't seen each other for about 7 weeks. The first thing I said was that that I love her, and she is everything I want. We had a great evening, dinner, drank with friends. I was about to embark on 3 weeks of job related exams, with no spare hours in the week, so we kissed and agreed to wait 3 weeks then give it another go. We spoke every day for the next 3 weeks, and she told me that as soon as she saw me that night, she new she loved me and wanted to be with me for sure.

So 3 weeks later (2 weeks ago), we meet up and basically got back together. And everything slipped back to the way it was perfectly. We had the most amazing long weekend - for me it was the best everything has been in 3 and a half years. The first thing she did however was tell me something that had happened when we first split. She said that 3 or 4 weeks after that, when she was so upset and feeling so u unwanted, she slept with a guy from work. She said that she woke up and wished it was me, that she doesn't even like him that much, but new he fancied her and did it after a drunk work night out. She said she had to tell me in case it changed how I feel. She said that it really confused her but then when she saw me again she knew she loved me and hadn't seen him since. I believe her because she is the most honest person I have ever met. She said it's wasn't really about him specifically that made it happen, mor her state at the time. I told her it's fine, I still love her just as much.

And so we had an amazing weekend together, and all weekend she kept saying the words 'I love you so much, and don't think we'll ever break up now'. And I was so happy....I was sure I was with the girl I am meant to be with and thought she knew the same. She is University sweetheart and best friend, and right there and then I was sure I was in love with the 'one'. i thought we'd had 3 great years, a sticky patch in a new city with new jobs, but we'd come through. And she said the same.

And so during the next week, we are messaging each other at work planning a holiday, a lot of sexy chat etc etc and telling each other how much we love each other. And on the Thursday morning of that week, she phones me and says 'I love you so much, can't wait for another weekend together...only 2 days'. I was working late so we couldn/t see each other in the week.

And then on Friday...BANG! She calls me at lunchtime and says 'I don't know why i've done this...but I went out for some after work drinks last night, and ended up kissing the guy again!'.

And so she said to me when we met up that evening to talk through everything:

'I love you. I was so happy and so sure last weekend when i said i love you and never think we'll beak up now. But if I can do this to the person I love, then i can't be sure, and so i can't be with you. I need a lot of time and space to work out who I am and what i want. If it's meant to be it will be, but I can't make you wait so that's it!'

I told her we can work it out. It's not about this guy....I know that for sure. She said he just gets under her skin and it's a stupid crush that will disappear. But she sad that in 3 years together, she would never have even looked at another guy, let alone acted like that. And so how can she be sure that if it wasn't him, it wouldn't happen with someone else in the future. I told her I love her and we need time to make things great again, but she said 'I need time and will speak to you soon, but you can't wait'. it is more unlike her than any girl i know to of kissed this guy 5 days after we got back together, and she said she doesn't even fancy him that much....so obviously something wasn't right.

And so I have been waiting for her to call for over 2 weeks, to explain what she is feeling. But I have come to realise that I think the real reason is that there were problems in our relationship before, and even though we had that amazing weekend together, it was like slipping back so comfortably and easily to the height of what we had together, but for her maybe the relationship we had is not what she wants. I think that she wants something different in a relationship, and loves me so much she can't bring herself to call and tell me what she feels. So this whole 'I need to prove to myself I can be independent, i need time, I can't be with you if I did that to you (kissed the guy)' is in my opinion her way of avoiding telling me what she is really feeling, because she still loves me and finds it to hard right now to tell me the real reasons. But the last thing she said to me was that she has never loved anyone this much, she never fell out of love with me and I have had the biggest effect of anyone ever on her life...but what has happened must mean it can't be.

The hard thing is I understand where the problems were, and was committed to talking them through and changing our relationship for the better and to make it work. I feel like I can change little things and we are worth a go at making it work in a new city with jobs and everything. But everyone says I have to leave her to decide on her own, cut off from me, what she wants. And if she misses me that much and can't get over me, then it is meant to be and she will come back, but if she moves on, then that is it.

But every day I want to call her and tell her that I understand and surely it's worth another go. Am I stupid to hold onto the belief that we're meant to be together, and wait hoping. And should I call her, or is everyone right when they say I have to leave it, give her the space she wants, and wait for her to get in contact? I still think there's a chance. And if there isn't, I need to talk through everything with her fully so i understand before I can even start to move on. Right now i feel like I will never be able to be with another girl because I love her so much and nothing will be as good as her. And how can i give up when 2 weeks ago she said to me 'i love you, and don't think we'll ever break up now'.  

Answer
Dear Will,
What makes a breakup so devastating is the rejection that we feel, the inability to accept the other person's decision, and the ability to finally let go and move on.  Right now - you really only have 2 choices you can let her have the time and space that she needs while you sit around or you can give her the time and space and establish an AMAZING life for yourself.  Either way the latter is a win-win because if the 2 of you get back together you have a great life that can only add to the relationship and if you don't get back together you have a jump start on the direction in which you want your life to go.  When a breakup happens the first thing that we tend to do is question what went wrong.  Rarely do we get the answer to that question.  It is normal for couples to run back to the other person right after a breakup because they don't know if they are making the right decision or if they should stay in the relationship.  What she says is true... if she really is in love with you would she have kissed another guy?  I know that when I am in a relationship and I really love that person - I don't kiss anyone else because I only want to be with that person.  She seems confused with her own agenda right now.  I would surround myself with friends and family and start doing things that make you feel better.  I know this hurts and as each day passes you wonder if she cares, wonder if she will call, wonder if she is thinking about you..... the sad thing is that we don't know and we have no control over their emotions, actions, or thoughts... the only person you can take care of is you and I wish you the best of luck.  Warmest Wishes, Erica