Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/14/2008

Question
Hi Erica...do you remember me?  At the end of February I sent you my story but you couldn't help me because I was 17.  Now that I'm 18 I was wondering if you could answer me.  A couple things have changed since I sent you my message the first time which I will discuss later.  Here is my original message if you cannot remember:

First of all I want to thank you for listening.  This will help me out a lot.  Ok, I guess I will start from the beginning.  My name is James and I met this wonderful girl named Lacey last summer.  After seeing eachother a couple times we were both head over heels for eachother and pretty soon we were dating.  Before I go any further I should tell you that I am only 17, a junior in high school.  She is from a town about 20 miles away from me.  Now everything was perfect and even as a write this it hurts because I am reflecting on all the good memories we had.  Our relationship took off like a rocket.  School started, Halloween passed, Thanksgiving and Christmas and then New Years.  Everything was amazing during this time and we hadn't even gotten in a minor fight.  I felt as if she was a perfect match for me.  Then on New Years Eve I was at her house and I fell asleep on her couch with her only to wake up at 3 in the morning.  I was supposed to be home at one so I knew I was screwed.  I said good bye to Lacey, left, and went home.  The next morning I found out I had been grounded for two weeks because of my actions.  I knew I wasn't going to get out of it and I understood my parents decision.  This is when I believe Lacey's and my relationship fell.  I have no idea if this is true but I believe that during these two weeks, she found out that she could still have a fun time without me, maybe even more fun.  Now that I wasn't in the picture during this time, she could hang out with her friends anytime she wanted.  Sure, we still talked on the phone but that is not nearly the same as seeing eachother.  I missed her and after the two weeks we got back together and everything seemed to be back to normal.  Then on January 23rd, 2008, 13 days after I had been ungrounded, she sent me THE text, "call me, we need to talk." At first I thought nothing of it.  According to me everything was perfect and her snowball was coming up on the 26th.  The night before she had talked about going shopping with me to look for a tie.  So I called her when I had a chance and she managed to spit out the words, "I think we should take a break."  This struck me hard.  I was so confused and I told her that I wanted to see her so we could talk about it.  I almost immediately drove over to her house where we sat and talked about it.  At the time she assured me there wasn't another guy and the only real reason she had for making her decision was that her feelings had changed about me.  She wanted a break but I wasn't stupid.  There is no such thing as a break...what she was trying to say was she wanted to break up.  She was crying and I was on the verge of breaking down.  I managed to keep my composure only to let it all out on the way home.  I screamed and cried the whole way.  I was so confused.  That night I never slept and could not stop shaking.  The next day all I could think about was her.  Then, on the 26th I decided to make a move.  I showed up at her snowball which I knew she was still going to and met her there.  Thankfully she wasn't with another guy.  I got into my car with her and basically asked her to give it another chance.  She didn't know what to do so she said she would text me later.  The next night I got the text, "It's over, I'm sorry."  It crushed me.  During the next week we never talked and I thought of trying anything to get her back.  When I finally did text her I told her that I met another girl (not true) and her friend told me she was extremely jealous.  I asked her one more time if she would like to try it again before I went to this other girl.  She said no.  After that I asked her what the real reason was for dumping me was and she just said her feelings had changed and that I WAS TOO PERFECT.  How can anyone be too perfect?  I didn't understand.  Since then, I have given up trying to get her back knowing that her decision was final.  Now, a month later from the break up, I still cannot stop thinking about her.  Everywhere I look I see her.  Whenever I look around my house I think how Lacey laid right there or stood right there.  She is the first real girl friend that I've had and this is the first time I've ever felt this kind of pain.  It is tearing at my heart and driving me mad.  She says she wants to be friends but I cannot see that.  If I say no to it though, there is a good chance I will never get to see her again and I absolutely do no want that.  The only time I feel good is when I am talking to her which is currently maybe once a week through text.  We plan on seeing eachother again before March 15.  Today I called her to ask her how she was and it killed me to hear her say she was doing good and had moved on.  She also said if I was in so much pain, maybe we should stop talking all together.  I was in shock.  It almost sounded like she never wanted to talk to me again.  I asked her how many times she would think about me in a day and she said a couple times maybe.  It's like she never even cared about me and has almost forgotten about me.  I was her first real boy friend too so I don't understand how she can be completely over it.  This pain is unbearable.  How can I stop thinking about her all the time?  Should I still be friends with her?  How can anyone be too perfect or was it just a cover up for another reason?  Should I meet up with her by March 15? Does she really want to be friends with me or is she trying to let me down easy?  Should I try again to get her back?  Did she ever really love me? How can I move on?  Thank you so much for listening.

James  

Maybe now you remember me...At the time, what would you have recommended me doing?  Since then, there has been a major change.  She wants me back.  Even though I was almost over her, I was very happy she changed her mind.  I did not take her back right away but we worked at it and in a couple weeks I decided to give it another try (something that she would not do for me) I'm having a hard time trusting her and believing her that she does not plan on doing that again and saying she made a mistake.  Still, we are going out and everything is going pretty good.  We have had more fights than normal but they are fairly minor things.  I enjoy having her back but I'm afraid it will end horribly again.  I've been wondering if I should end this short term relationship early before it gets too serious again.  Do you think I made a mistake by taking her back?  Thank you so much for listening...I know its a long story and I'm sorry for that.  

James

Answer
Dear James,
Well, you really only have 2 choices... to either try or not... I know that is obvious, but here is the thing... if you try then you have to trust.... otherwise, you may as well just continue to move on because if you don't have trust in the relationship there is nothing.  Trust and respect are the 2 most important ingredients in a relationship.  If you want to try then you should protect yourself and take things really slow.  You are at a point in your life where you are going to go through many changes.... embrace them... this is a wonderful time in your life... enjoy it.... Once a relationship goes through a break up it takes a long time for things to really be ok.... if your not ready to trust her then take the time that you need to do so.  I hope this helps and good luck.  Warmest Wishes, Erica