Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/3/2008

Question
Hi,

As a description: I'm male 26yrs old and my ex-girlfriend is 26yrs old. We both have BSc degrees.

I've been seeing this girl for the past 4yrs and have lived with her for the past 3yrs. Last October we began to buy our first house, we were both obviously very excited and she really pushed to buy! It was a big step as we were taking on a £250,000 mortgage. She was over the moon and began spending all her time picking out new decor and furniture (the house needed work). Then gradually her enthusiasm went as we began to move towards signing the final contract, I didn't notice at the time so much but looking back now I do.

In November I came in from work one day to find her bag packed and she told me she couldn't go through with it, therefore meaning we had to split. She left for her parents and we didn't speak for a few days. A week later she turned up at my work asking to reconcile things. She told me that she had been in touch with a guy from the gym for the last 5 weeks and that they ended up going on a date just before we split (she told me she was meeting a work friend for dinner at the time). Because she did that she finished us, but ended up seeing this guy once more after we split and then ended that too.

We tried to sort things out but she was a wreck and so was I, both really upset and within 24hrs she was back at her parents and we weren't speaking.

She moved out our apartment into a house share and I moved in with a friend a while ago now. Since then we have kept in touch, spent a lot of time together, arranging to meet and also seeing each other out with friends and ending up chatting etc. We have both stayed at each others every now and then.

I have been out on dates and so has she but nothing has come from any of them for either of us as we haven't really dealt with us yet. She calls me once a week and we chat just like normal, but the last 5 times we've spoken she been crying and very upset.

Last weekend we spent a lot of time together and I began to wonder what was going to happen between us as every time I try to speak to her about us she just breaks down and says 'I don't know'. It leaves me feeling very frustrated because in a lot of ways we are still together; calling, texting, physically and very remain close but she just won't say whether or not we can give it another shot.

She calls regularly and recently got annoyed when I didn't text her back within a few ours. She got very upset when I told her I went out on a date too and always asks me if I've kissed other people when I've been out.

She obviously still feels a lot for me, but she says she cannot understand why she did what she did as we have never argued or had any major issues at all. We have the same aspirations in life and lots in common, our relationship has never really been an issue from what I can see. All this happened when we started buying a house and I can't help but wonder if she has some deep issues with commitment and used this guy as a 'get out'.

She doesn't have anything to do with him anymore and after 4.5 months since we split she is still confused, depressed and cries every day. She has told she still feels the same about me as she always has and obviously regrets what happened deeply and has told me that she wished we had bought the house and none of this had happened. She has tried counseling but gave up after 4 sessions as she didn't feel it was getting her anywhere.

I recently (yesterday) told her I couldn't carry on being with her if she wasn't going to offer me anything more. I can't handle the frustration of her acting like we're together but just turning in to a brick wall when I ask her if we can give it another go.

She still has things at my house, we have a joint account and other things to sort out, but neither of us has made moves to close these thing out.

Have I done the right thing? She says she wants to be friends and stay in touch, but admits thats because she doesn't want to let me go. From her actions and some things she says she wants to be with me, but she just shuts down and says 'I don't know' when I press her.

I would love to give things another shot, despite what's happened as we still get on great and feel the same, but has too much damage been done? Should I just leave her alone to sort her head out?

Answer
Hi Stephen,
Why don't the 2 of you put some closure by removing everything from the house and settling up on anything that has both of your names attached to it.  Then, why not take a 60 day break from each other with NO CONTACT so that you can both get your feelings in check and re-evluate the relationship.  60 days seems and is a long time, but it allows everyone to get a clearer picture of how you feel and what you want.  It also allows both of you some time to see if you miss each other and want to be together.  This is a very difficult time and I know that you want to reach out to her and be there for her, but she needs to figure this one out herself as do you.  If its meant to be - it will be- that I am a firm believer of.... Good Luck and I hope this helps...   Warmest Wishes, Erica