Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/26/2008

Question
QUESTION:



Hello!
I have a question about a 'break' that seems like a break up.


My boyfriend and I have been together for 6 months. We love each other,never felt like this ever before,etc (I am 20 and he is 22).  I am french and he is british and connect extremely well. We do not only like the same things but also have the same morals, values, ambitions in life and vision of things but have amazing physical chemistry as well. As it often happens with people falling in love fast and strong, we spent a LOT of much time together and put things around us on hold but still offered each other a lot of support.


I have an anxiety disorder and he helped so much - so much that I stopped taking my medication 4 months ago and feel so much better now. He is in his last year of university and he felt lonely living alone and I made sure he stayed happy. We care a lot about each other and, even if it was only 6 months we could see ourselves building a long term relaitonship with him - he always told me I am his dream girl served on the plate and he is my ideal man as well.

The problem with a love like that is that it is just very difficult to live with. We both had 'long' (1 year long) relationships before with other people, but we didn't really know how to handle such strong feelings. We have been seeing each other all the time and when we'd see our own friends, we would do it separately because we both wanted quality time with our friends. Because of that, most of my time with my boyfriend was one on one time, which is a very bad idea( expect when we go out at night with his friends, and then we take drugs so not such a good time to socialize and see each other socialize!)

So of course we started getting frustrated. Our love for each other was stopping us from enjoying other things. We would miss each other when we weren't together, we were constantly on each other's minds. He would get depressed  whenever I left the UK and I found it hard not thinking about him when I was with my friends.


We relied on each other too much. So when we were separated, we would both get very bad anxiety and be absolutely terrified that it wouldn't work even if everything was fine. Still, a few days before we broke up last week, we made plans for the summer and he asked me to live with him for a month even if this summer is his 'last summer' and he has his own internet company to launch which he's been working on for years.


But last week we just said, he can't do it. He can' be with me anymore. A complete shock at the time - but now I admit I felt the same. He can't study for his final exams which are in less than 3 weeks, he can't deal with the tension and frustration (we talk and talk too much about 'us' and argued a bit). He also said he feels like he can't be himself around me anymore. I understand completely - we've been with each other soo much that we were only defined as boyfriend and girlfriend and forgot our other roles. I also lost a bit of myself.  We were everything to each other and this is obviously extremely unhealthy.


This relationship was destroying us inside because we simply didn't know how to deal with such strong feelings and it was going so fast. We have plans and both desperately want it to work, but we have to break up. Because it's taking over our lives, we have big decisions to make at the moment, we don't want to start hating each other and it may kill any chance of building our relaitonship again in the future. I also need to be single (I got with him 3 weeks after a year long relationship) and do my own thing this summer, find a job and travel the world on my own, learn how to be an individual again. I also lost a few friends and I feel so lonely now without him so I definitely need new friends and reconnect with old ones.


So now I am very sad, and so he is but we just can't function together now. It's killing us and we have to take adult decisions - it is bad for both our mental and physical health.   I would like to know if the anxiety and frustration we felt really means the end of us.  We love each other so much and we want it to work so much that it's killing us. We have so many opportunities, we're so young so we can't afford to put all of our efforts in a relationship, not now. But I really want us to make it work, someday and him too. Maybe in a few months, I am ready to wait.

I am trying not to do any contact for 2 months but because we had quite an amicable breakup (after my initial explosions...haha) its hard not to care and ask about each other.

I am ready to wait for us to see clearer but I can't help but hope we'll be back together. It is kind of a 'break' but I am afraid the problems we encountered can't be fixed and we won't get over this separation. He says he can't see clearly now and only time can tell if we can be together. I know we need time but, should I move on and forget about him instead of hoping?


Thank you very much for reading my looong story.

Elena

ANSWER: Hi Elena,
I hope that all is well.  I was kind of confused by the email because you stated that everything was wonderful, but yet it wasn't.  Relationships are difficult to begin with - add distance to it and it is even harder.  I think that you may have become co dependent on each other (which happens alot) and couldn't function without the other in a healthy manner.  There is nothing wrong with keeping a part of your life to yourself, but why were you never around each other's friends?  I mean... if friends are an important part of each other's lives than you should meet them and spend time with them.... this is where I got confused..... When a relationship evolves too quickly - putting the brakes on it is great... because we have all been there where we want to spend every waking moment with the other person and it isn't healthy.  But, relationships should also be easy where we don't have to talk about "us" all of the time.  I think that giving yourself the 2 month no contact rule is a good idea.  It sounds like you lost a part of yourself while in the relationship and you need to find it again... If the 2 of you are meant to be together this will give you a nice timeout to start things off on the right track again.  Its hard to give that complete seperation because you are so use to having him in your life.  But, it is the best thing to do - because if you reconnect right now - nothing has changed and the cycle will just start over again.  So, use this time to get a firm grip on what you want - where you are going - and what you want to do.  Good Luck.  Warmest Wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hello, thank you so much for your answer. As you said, our relaitonship wasn't healthy, we only really realized it when we decide to separate.

I just find it really hard to hope at the moment, as he has lost hope too and we've had too many arguments and discussions about it to see clear. We have hard months (work etc) ahead of us and it will definitely be quite some time before we have the time and courage to try to make it work again. I told him I want to stop speaking but he says he can't stop thinking about me and its driving him mad not knowing how im doing (we finally decided to speak as little as possible, or speak to talk about other things than our couple but I think I will change my mind again and stop speaking for 2 months). He says Im the one for him, he never felt so strongly about anyone and he hasnt been able to do anything during the last week.


But still he doesnt want us to get back together,its still back to the same point - and I understand that as well, its too soon. We can't be together now, we've got too much to lose. And as much as we want us to get better and be back together in a few months, the uncertainty is killing me. I always believed breaks are a great way to strenghten a relationship, like a little holiday and we come back feeling better. But Im afraid a break is actually what's going to kill our couple. It isnt even a break - its a real break up because we have no idea how we'll feel later.Well, I know I want to be with him someday, but he seems confused. We might never come back from that 'break' from fear of messing up again. What do you think? I know a break is best for now but why , if he loves me, cant he say its just a 'break' and he needs us to be separated for good to develop? Why is he risking our relationship that much? He admits its a gamble but its either me in a relationship thats not goin so well a the moment or making sure he looks after his future by making the right life changing decisions this summer. I can't be with him, but its even worse without him. I cant bring myself to accept it even if the best thing t do is get up and do something with my life so that, whether we get back together or not, Ill be a better person. Thank you for your advice...

Answer
Dear Elena,
I understand all of the feelings and thoughts that you are struggling with.  I will try to simplify it as much as possible.  There is no guarantee - but, there never is.  He wants to do what he wants to do and still have you in his life.  That is getting the best of both worlds.  He doesn't have to deal with missing you, wondering what you are doing, etc.  he doesn't have to focus in on those feelings if you are still in his life.  Typically, I lay down a 90 day rule... with no contact.  If the 2 of you are meant to be together there is nothing that is going to stop that from happening.  There were other ways to try and make this relationship work besides a break... counseling, change of routine, etc.  But, he is the one taking the gamble and because the relationship was unhealthy - once you are away from it and creating your own life - believe it or not you may not want it anymore or you may want it even more.... we don't know what will happen.  You can't control how he feels, what he wants, how he acts, etc.  but you do have control over you and you need to take control and create a fabulous life for yourself - you deserve it..... Trust me - if things are meant to be they will be..... I know very few people who have gotten back together after a "break" and had it work long term - but, the few that I do know are very much in love with each other and really took the time for themselves.  I hope this helps.  Warmest Wishes, Erica