Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/29/2008

Question
My live-in boyfriend of two years "suddenly" broke up with me recently. I had been away with family for several days and when I returned he told me he wanted to live alone. He was no longer affectionate though told me he still loves me and doesn't want to hurt me.
We had our problems... but we had a lot of good times too. We had a fight a few days before I left but we had resolved it and were on good terms before I left on my trip.
His original story was that he just "wanted to be alone". He needs to be able to think and doesn't have time for a serious relationship. He initially said maybe someday, we may have a future but who knows.
Last night he told me that he started seeing me as a friend, and that it just doesn't feel right to be with me. I find this so hard to believe because there were no signs. We were still intimate up to the day before I left for my trip (he initiated!)
I asked if there was someone else. He said no, he doesn't want another relationship or anyone else, he just wants to do what he wants and not have to check in with anyone.
But here's the catch... every since I've returned, he's been "guarding" his cell phone. He always would leave it around, now he takes it with him even into the bathroom. The other morning when he was sleeping, I couldn't even find it. I'm pretty sure he had it on his person.
I asked him whether or not he was interested in someone else. He said yes. He finally told me who it was and it was a person who he admittedly said was not someone he could pursue. This person has a lot of baggage, and if I learned anything from this, I know that he cannot tolerate that. He said he just thought she was "cool". I know he means she was exciting, interesting and someone new.
So he said he's not talking to her. It was just a bunch of people hanging out and he thought she was cool. But the phone thing throws me. People have told me that this should show me that he is not what I want or need. I think I know this too.
My issue is that we live in his hometown, at the present time, live in the same apartment. Unfortunately, most of my  friends are through him. I have a few co-workers im friendly with but it's not the same as my family and friends who live 300 miles away. I've contemplated moving back to where my family is, but I left there because I was unhappy. I don't want him to get the best of me and be the reason I leave a career behind.
I'm troubled over losing mutual friends, over having to live by myself for the first time, not having him in my life, etc. I just can't look at it for what it is, probably good for me in the long run, but so hard right now. I want to assure him that I can be his friend. He said that he wants to be my friend but thinks I will need time.
I just think that if I could confirm there was someone else, I could move on, but I don't know if that is incorrect thinking.

Answer
Dear Shana,
Whether he is confirming or not that there is someone else... there is because he told you that he is interested in someone else.  I cannot imagine the current state that you must be in right now.  Yikes... But, here is something to think about.... If you love where you are living and have a great job and the ability to meet new people.... get your own place and create a life there.  Don't allow a man to have that much power and have you uproot your life if you are happy where you are.  In time the mutual friends that you made may still remain friends, but let them know that in no uncertain terms you do not want to discuss "him." that their friendship is important to you, but its because of them not the connection to him.  You can start a whole new chapter in your life and have a great time doing it.... it really depends on how much you like the place you moved to and the job you have.  You need to look at it for what it is because if you don't you won't begin the healing process.  Once we accept that a relationship is over and stop holding on to that little bit of hope we are able to move on with our lives.... slowly.... very slowly but we start the process.  It is when we hold on to that glimpse of hope that we drive ourselves crazy and make rash decisions.  So, take a time out for yourself and decide what is best for Shana...... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica