Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/2/2008

Question
Alright my name is James and here is my problem. Me and my girlfriend had been dating for ten months and then we decided to break up because i was not very mature and had become a little controlling because i did not like when she would talk to her ex-boyfriend that had become her friend. We got back together a few days later because we talked and agreed this could work and i could change. Then her grandfather got sick and we had a little fight, and it blew up and now she hates me because i was not there for her when she was going through this hard time in her life and thinks that is my true colors. I dont know what to do. I still have very strong feelings for this girl and am willing to change, but she says it was unforgivable. She was also my best friend who I told everything to so its hard to just stop talking to her all together. She also keeps telling me she needs time and its hard for me because she means everything to me and I would like being friends. We are trying to be friends, but she does not talk or text me when i try to talk to her. So i guess i have two questions. 1. Should I give her the time she needs and just not talk to her or try and tell her that i miss her a lot and i think we could still be great friends? 2. Was wanting to know when she talked to her ex-boyfriend really that controlling?

Answer
Dear James,
I think that you have no choice but to let her have this time.  You state that she doesn't respond to your text messages or phone calls, so you really need to just let her go.  Yes, wanting to know who and when she talks to someone is controlling.  When we are with someone in a relationship we have to trust and respect that person.  Without one or both of these ingredients there really isn't a strong foundation for a lasting relationship.  However, we have all made mistakes and it's only horrible to have made mistakes IF we don't learn from them.  Therefore, try to learn from this situation - focus in on you - and fill your life with family, friends, and other things that you enjoy doing.  As time passes - the pain will start to subside, but the only thing that helps us get over a relationship is time.  I do not believe that people can be friends immediately following a breakup.  I believe that there needs to be a period of seperation and eventually if both parties want to be friends - it can happen - just definitely not right after a breakup.  I hope this helps and I wish you the best of luck.  Warmest Wishes,  Erica