Expert: ***ERICA*** - 4/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Dear Erica

It's long but i need to explain the situation in depth!


I am going through a terribly difficult time with my breakup,  I met this guy last year while visiting my dad in another city.  From the moment I met him i liked him and it seemed like we connected.  He came talked to me and was really nice.  The next day I went to his house with my step-sister as she is dating his brother.  We talked took each others numbers,  the whole week visiting my dad i couldn't stop thinking about him.  I phoned but didn't have the courage to speak to him.  I left the Friday and went home,  finally I got the courage to phone him and we spoke and he was actually glad that i phoned. Form then on we started phoning and texting each other and it felt great.  Two weeks after that he came to visit me for two days,  we didn't have a lot of time to spend with each other cause I had to be at work, he left the Friday and I was actually feeling sad but I knew I liked him.  We never saw each other for two months,  but we contacted each other every single day and texting each other like twice thrice a day.  

I eventually also told my dad about him,  my father was not happy about the relationship cause he told me that S was a player and wasn't really serious about life or relationship,  although he is a good person.  My Father new him cause he and one of my step-sisters dated about 4 years ago and it didn't go well.  I realized what my father was saying,  but I really wanted to give S a chance cause he really seemed interested in me,  there never was never a time when he didn't contact me.  

Easter Weekend came and I went to go visit my dad and obviously him,  everything went well that weekend although we didn't spend to much time together,  we were excited to see each other and to just be together. I left again after the long weekend,  but when I got home something inside me was already hurting I guess from knowing that I'm gonna miss him,  we still contacted each other and was quite open towards our feelings for each other.

About two weeks ago I went to visit again for the weekend,  and he knew that I was coming,  but for some reason everything just went wrong that weekend.  I got there and this place is two and half hours drive from where I'm staying. I contacted him told him I arrived and he told me that he just on his way somewhere and I asked him if will be long and he said no.I told it's fine cause I still had to go to my father.  First of all I arrived there 19:00 the evening after visiting my father I contacted him again and told him we finished and where we were going to be,  before he came I contacted him again he eventually came but that was only like 23:00 the evening. We greeted each other and so on he explained why he came so late and i understood.  Ok he parked his car far from us and I asked him why he standing so far he explained that he didn't get on well with the guys we were standing with us and I also didn't know these guys cause they were my friends friends.  I was fine with it,  i also didn't know the guys so I stayed with him,  I really don't know if I was paranoid or not but to me it looked like he was more interested in his friends than me I don't know,  anyway he went to go check something by his friends and i was sitting in his car,  he came back told to go sit with my friends and that he will come by and I went.  My friends decided to just take a drive and I said I would go with,  I went to him told where we going and he said that it is fine I will still find him there,  then he asked me if those guys were going with and I said no,  i was not sure if they were going or not,  but anyway they went with and he saw,  we weren't gone long like half and hour 45 minutes, went back to where we were and he was gone. Fine I also went to go sleep.

The next morning i contacted him again twice he did not answer his phone,  but he did reply to my calls and a message asking if something is wrong.  We talked and he asked me what time we got back and I told him we weren't even gone that long so he must of left just as we left.  He told me he was tired and couldn't stand in the cold. he asked what we doing and all that and I told him we just lazing around,  I told him to come over as his house is not far from where we were staying,  he never came I kept in contact the whole day and kept waiting for him to come but he never did,  I contacted him again and he answered his phone and wanted to know what our plans were and I told him I am not sure,  he told me his plans and so on. I contacted him again and told him that my friends have decided to go to a 21st birthday party.  I talked to him and asked him if he is at home and he told me yes but his gonna take his friend home or somewhere,  he asked what I was doing and I told I wanted to come to him,but it's fine he just said ok we spoke a little and then he said see you later.  We decided to go sit by my friends cousin,  I then sent him a message telling him this and that when he is finished with all his stuff he should contact me,  he never did,  when I tried to phone him later again his phone was on voice mail,  I then sent him a message telling him that he could told me to stay at home and not to come to Polokwane the city he stays in, and I don't know whats going on and why he is doing this to me.  I never got a reply from him and I left without seeing him or talking to him.

The monday when I returned to work I tried phoning him to find out what the problem was but he was just ignoring my calls.  I tried from a different number an he picked up,  I asked him whats going on and he answered nothing much,  then asked who's number it was and I told him it's just a line from work he told me to phone him back in ten minutes from my other line but he never picked up I even sent him a message asking him just tell me what's wrong and that I thought everything is fine between us he did not even reply to that .  My friend tried on my behalf the next day and he told her that he was just stressed out, had things to do and that he had to go to this bash that he was talking about,  she asked him why he didn't take me with and he said he didn't want me to leave them thinking i was being funny, she told him that why would she think that since she is from that place. She asked him why his not answering my calls and he just kept quiet,  told her that he would speak to me but he never did.  The Wednesday i tried again but still to no avail he just ignored.  It's been two weeks now and still he hasn't called or tried anything.

Erica I'm now blaming myself,  thinking why I didn't just stay with him the Friday night,  why I didn't just go to his house the Saturday.  Everyday I get up feeling this way,  and like there's a whole in my heart.  I think of sending him a text telling him that if it was my fault that I'm sorry and asking him to just tell me what the problem is or if it is something else.  I'm really hurting and confused and don't know what to do.  I really thought we could work out our differences no matter what it is but looks like we can't at least from his side.  He is a good person that I noticed about him.  A part of me tells me it's not over and another part that it is. Is this living in denial or what.  I really do care a great deal about him and want to work this out. But I'm also scared of being rejected again.  Please help what does a person do in such a situation especially if you don't live in the same city, and you have such strong feeling for that person.

ANSWER: Dear Greer,
I am very honest with my advice and opinions so I hope that you understand.  This guy is not interested in you and it isn't your fault.  Whether you had stayed or not wouldn't have mattered and whether you would have went to his house or not would not have mattered.  You seem to have been the one taking the initiative throughout this whole thing and he has had to do very little if anything to keep things going.  It really isn't a big deal if they call or text everyday.  That is easy - that is what even friends do.  But, if he was interested in you he would be the one making the calls to you now, making plans to spend time with you, and answering your calls.  He isn't.  Please don't lose your self respect and dignity because it will only make you feel worse.  Stop calling/stop texting/don't get your friends involved.  The bottom line here is that he doesn't want to talk to you or hang out with you because when someone is interested in someone they stop at nothing to let that person know and stop at nothing to spend time with that person.  Period.... it really is that simple.... Anything we chase in life runs away and you are too good to be doing the chasing anyway... don't you think??? Today is a new day - just don't call or text him.... keep this in mind that if he wants to talk to you he will call you.... period... and if he doesn't you deserve much more than this..... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Thanks Erica for your advise,  I haven't called him/texted him or anything.  I'm just really hurting inside and ask myself why did he do it.  Why do you tell me you love me  and want to be with me and you miss me and for three months you were intrested and all of a sudden you not intrested anymore. Erica dont get me wrong I want to get past this,  but how will I deal with him if I ever see him again knowing I've got this intense feelings for him,  cause one time or another I have to go visit my Father and I think I will bump into him. How do you get over someone whom you got to love and care so much and shared nearly everything with!

Answer
Hi Greer,
Honestly... time and no contact.  I wish there was this magical pill that we could take to help us get through the hurt after the ending of a relationship.  People say things all of the time and at the time they probably really mean them, but they are words and there are no guarantees in life.  The healing process is a slow one.  Congratulations on being strong and not phoning or texting him because you are maintaining your self respect and self dignity.  That is a huge step.  The fact that he has made no effort to be in touch with you or fix this is an indication that he doesn't feel the same way that you do and anything we chase in life runs away.  When you go to your father's just try to not run into him because he may try to connect while you are there just because he can and since you live away - its easier for him to detach.  Don't give him the power to do that to you.... Stay strong and empowered.... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica