Expert: ***ERICA*** - 5/4/2008

Question
Hey Erica, I'm writing you this question not even a day after my break-up happened, and I know I need a lot more time to get over it, but I just feel so terrible, I wanted to know what you had to say.

Me and my girlfriend had been going out for a little over a year and the way it all started was with her being really interested in me. We both became really good friends, but as the time went on I notice she wanted to be more than friends. I loved everything about her, but their was only one thing that was stopping me from liking her back the same way. She is a little on the heavy side, and when I told her that I only like her as a friend I felt terrible, especially for the reason why I didn't like her.  

A couple weeks went by and we still were really great friends, one of my best friends. I don't really remember what it was about that one day, March 6th 2007, but me and her were hanging around and I just wanted to hold her and cuddle her so bad, I wanted to be closer to her. I finally got up the courage to talk to her about us and this is what I said, "I just love having you as a friend so much, I'm just so afraid becoming more than a friend, and having it not work out, would just destroy what we have right now." Then she said, "I know what you mean, but how will we know unless we give it a shot." I then asked, "Do you want to give it a shot," and she said yes, and that’s how it started.

We had been together for a little over a year and it has been the most amazing year of my life. We always had so much fun doing all kinds of stuff together. Over the summer, when we were away from school, we would rotate every other weekend to go visit each other, and when at school, Central Michigan University, having her to spend time with just made life so much better.

But there has always been that one little thing that would bother me from time to time, and it wasn't even that big of a deal, her weight. I loved her with all of my heart, but I couldn’t help thinking what other people thought when they saw us walking around holding hands, me a 6 foot 2 inch slender guy and my girlfriend a shorter 5 foot 2 and a little on the heavy side. Every time I would think about this I just wanted to shoot myself for even letting the idea that what other people thought of use had anything to do with how I felt about her. I just felt terrible. But even that feeling couldn't stop me from loving her the year we were together.

But as time went by, her weight just seemed to bother me a little more and a little more. I also would start arguments about the littlest things that were so stupid to even talk about (but if you talk to my family you would learn that’s just how I am with everybody). We just didn’t seem to get along as good as we used to, and I feel like it was my fault because of the way I felt about her weight and the little arguments I would start. But it didn’t matter what kind of argument it would be we would always get over it really quickly and be super close again.

It’s just the past couple of weeks, our little arguments just seem to have been bothering me more and more, and I look at her and her weight seems to be bothering me more and more, so I decided to talk to her about breaking up.

It was pretty rough and both of us cried for what seemed like hours, but it seems like we end on good terms. But now I am just sitting here in my house trying to figure out why I really broke up with her and I can’t even remember anymore. I miss her so much, and still love her, but I can’t help but think that I broke up with her for the wrong reasons. I mean we did argue quite a bit, and I will admit they were almost all my fault and over the most pointless things. But I can’t help but feel absolutely horrible for thinking that I broke up with the most perfect girl I had ever met just because she was over weight.

I miss her so much, and can’t help but think about being with her. When we were talking, during the break-up, she asked if we could call this just a “break” but I didn’t know what to say. We did agree that this would be really good for our relationship spending time apart, seeing that while at school we spend every day with each other. But sitting her now I just miss her so much and just want to be with her and hold her. I know that I would have never had the strength to even talk to her about breaking up unless there was something big enough bothering me. I still love her, and I am hurting so bad think about what I have just done to her.

I guess the question within this giant novel would be, do you think I broke up with my girlfriend for the wrong reason? Before we broke up we still got along so well, except for the occasional argument, but who doesn’t argue, right? I don’t know, I like to think I broke up with her because I felt we didn’t really get along anymore and not because she was over weight, but now thinking back, what we argued about wasn’t ever even a big deal, pointless arguing, and we always got over it and were just fine. I just miss her so much and can only think about the future and if there is a chance that we will get back together. I still love her, miss her, and can’t stop thinking about how she must be feeling right now.

Answer
Dear Kyle,
Very honest email.... I believe that for a relationship to work there has to be a connection on 3 levels:  physical, emotional, and mental.  If one of those areas aren't connecting then there is a potential problem.  When you say on the heavy side - are you saying that you aren't physically attracted to her?? Because it seems that all of the other qualities that she possesses really seem to be what you want.  I wouldn't tell her that this is a break to give her false hope, but I would really think about why you broke up with her.  If weight is the issue - maybe you need to be honest about it.  As a woman I don't want to necessarily hear that a man thinks I am on the heavy side, but I would rather hear that then think that we didn't connect on the very special levels that are so important in a relationship especially when you are blessed to have what you called an amazing relationship with her.  Tell her the truth and if the 2 of you are as close as you think then she will consider what you have to say.  She doesn't have to like it and she may think you are shallow, but she will in the end have to respect how you feel and realize that it wasn't what she brought to the table in all other aspects, but rather something physical.  You can change physical appearance, but you can't change the other connections.  Don't get me wrong... physical attraction is important, but its easier to deal with that then the other 2 areas.  So, I hope this helps and I really hope you find a way to talk to her about it in a delicate manner IF that is the reason that you broke up because the other aspects of the relationship are toooo important to lose.... trust me on that one.  Warmest Wishes, Erica