Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/3/2008

Question
QUESTION: I had been with my girlfriend for just over 2 years. During those 2 years, we had gone through many highs and
lows. We talked every day while we were together and saw each other nearly every single day. We were very much
in love with each other. She was there for me when I had lost both my grandparents, and my job in about a 2
month period. I had been there for her when she lost a relative as well. We had gone on trips together, and just
had so many great memories together. We had many of the same interests. We played sports and stayed in shape
together, we both enjoyed hanging out with the other's friends, worked in similar careers, and our personalities
just matched so well. We rarely had fights, neither one of us ever treated the other poorly, there was no
cheating...there really weren't any major problems with her and I while we were together. The whole time I was
with her, I was absolutely nuts about her. I really thought I had met the girl I would marry. I'm 26 (she's 25) and
this was a very real feeling, and I had hoped to propose later this summer.

About 2 or 3 months ago, we had started to grow apart. We were both busy with work and other activities. We
were spending less time together, and when we were actually able to be together, things started feeling a bit
forced. We kinda lost the spark we had when we started dating. We both knew this, but we kinda just let it happen,
and things started falling apart. About a month ago, she decided to end everything. She said she just didn't have
the same feelings for me anymore. I was devastated, and still am a month later. I love her so much, and wish to
be with her more than anything.

During the past month, we have talked. We've discussed the situation, and I have pleaded with her to give us
another shot. She has made it clear she does not want to be with me. She has said she just wants to be on her
own. For her, she said its not about being single or meeting anyone, she just doesn't want to be in this relationship
anymore. She gave me the line "I love you, but I'm not in love with you". She says she wants to remain friends
because she cares so much for me, and does not want to cut me out of her life. She feels that right now though,
we just need time and space because everything is so raw and we can't be normal around each other. She has said
that she doesn't want to be confused about how she feels, and end up getting back together for the wrong
reasons. For the most part I agree about this...it makes sense, but what I feel and what I want makes this so
terribly difficult. I have done what I can to give her space. Been relying on my friends and family, as she has as
well.

I still love her very much. We see each other from time to time since we live in the same area, and have many
similar social activities. We are in a softball league with our jobs (how we met 2 years ago) and we played each
other's teams this past week. It was awkward for a bit...we talked at the bar later that night, just catching up, and
all these emotions came back to me and I've been feeling lost again since. Just seeing her reminds me of what I
lost. I really thought I was going to marry this girl.

Within the past month, I have been very upfront with my feelings and told her how I felt about all this. I just can't
see myself without her, it kills me not having her in my life. While we were together, her and I had never really
discussed marriage, or taking things to the next level (moving in together, etc). We always said "whatever
happens, happens". Many of our friend were getting married or engaged, and we always thought that we didn't
need to jump into things because of what others were doing...when it felt right, it would happen. So we kinda
talked about it, but never very seriously. I do regret this, because now I feel like I have lost her. I feel like she
wanted this too, but became frustrated that it never came up and we just kinda seemed to be floating along.
Looking back, I was probably a little too guarded with my feelings and had trouble opening up completely with
her. I felt these things, but had trouble letting her know. I've had another long term relationship end abruptly
which I think was a contributing factor to this. I'm not sure if this was all because of me being so defensive about
how I felt...or if it was just natural for two people to be like that...scared to talk about things or take it to the next
step.

Throughout our relationship, her and I talked about how uncertain we've been about things in our life...we both
talked about our frustrations with our jobs, and how we both wanted to change careers. I wanted to buy a house. I
was working 2 jobs to save money, she had a very rigorous schedule with training for the marathons and
triathlons she ran. She was always working out, I was always working. I had sports I was playing too. It just
seemed like there were other things in our lives that kept us from each other. We both value the time to do these
things, but they ended up pushing us apart it seems. I just didn't think that they would change how she felt about
me...it didn't change the way I felt about her.

Anyways, I feel completely lost now. I think about her all the time and it affects other parts of my life. I don't sleep  
nearly as much, I don't eat very much, I have trouble concentrating throughout the day at work because this all
weighs on me so much. I've never been so sure of how I've felt about someone...I absolutely love her more than
anything and want to be with her. I feel like I've lost the person I was going to be with for the rest of my life. I
want to give her time, and hope that she will come back to me, but I realize I can't live my life like this. I need to
move on, but I can't. I understand that it's very possible that her and I will never have what we had before. I just
feel like I've lost everything, and will not be able to have these feelings for someone else...and honestly, don't want
to. She says she doesn't see us getting back together, but she also says that everything happens for a reason, and
if its meant to be, it'll find a way. I'm just so confused. I love her so much, and feel like everything is wrong now
that she is gone.

Thank you for reading this long email. I hope you have some wonderful insight to help me screw my head back on
straight.


ANSWER: Dear Kirk,
A breakup is one of the most painful things that someone can go through.  Sometimes you experience it once and sometimes you end up experiencing it multiple times.  She has been forthright and you have to find some closue to the situation because of her honesty.  She isn't giving you false hope she is saying... you are important to me, but I don't want to be with you.  I don't think that you proposing or having been more commited would have been the answer because that isn't what she is saying that she wants or needs.  She is basically telling you that she just doesn't feel it anymore and you deserve to be with someone who feels about you exactly the way that you feel about them.  It makes it so much harder when things do seem to connect in many aspects of your lives, but somewhere in the scheme of things she lost that connection.  A general rule of thumb that seems to work is to have no contact for 60 days which feels like and is an eternity.  But, this allows those raw emotions to not be so raw anymore and kind of allows things to fall into perspective.  It will allow both of you to take a look at the relationship and see what it really is.  It will also give you time to start your life over because I am sure that the 2 of you had created a life together and you may feel a bit lost without her.  This is your opportunity to reinvent your own life and do the things that you may not have done before and to figure things out for yourself.  She has been pretty definitive in what she wants, so you are going to have to do the hardest thing of all..... accept it and start to move on.... it is so hard and the only thing that makes it get easier is time..... nothing else, but time..... I wish you the best.  Warmest wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Erica,

Thank you for your response. Everything you say makes sense, and I've given it a lot of thought. I know I need to move on,
and take care of myself...get back to living my own life without Kate. Like you said, time is the only thing that will make this
better. I think about her constantly, and I've been trying so hard not to contact her. I need to just shut her out of my life
right now.

I do feel torn because she has said that she wants to be friends...in time. I guess it's just hard for me to look past how I feel
right now. I don't see how I would be able to be friends with her. I know time heals, and I remain very good friends with my
previous ex and her current boyfriend as an example of that. With Kate, though, I just feel like it's different...I have very
intense feelings for her that I've never had for another girl before. And it's so hard to understand why things changed for her
so quickly after being together for 2 years.

Even though she wants to try to be friends, I feel it is not something I can do...I fear I cannot change how I feel about her
and will not be able to get over her as long as I'm around her. I don't resent or hate her for doing this, but the thought of
her moving on and meeting someone else is just so painful.

She's mentioned that going on without me in her life as a friend would be much harder than just walking away and never
seeing each other again. Things like this make me believe she does still care about me and want me in her life.  It also
makes me not able to help myself but to think that things will work out...in time. This is the toughest part, because I WANT
to believe her and I will be together again. I know that can't happen though, unless we are able to start over as friends. It's
like a catch 22...I feel like I can't be friends with her because I can't get over her, but I also feel like I'll never be able to get
her back unless we try again at being friends. I also need to prepare myself for the fact that this may never happen. Do I
give up on these feelings I have for her, or do do whatever it takes to get her back.

For at least the 60 days you recommend, I am going to cut off any communication with her. I know she needs this time, as
much as I do, to figure out what's important. Hopefully this time apart will allow me to think of her without feeling like the
world has ended. I need some clarity, and to put things in perspective. Your response has helped.

Thanks again.
- Kirk  

Answer
Dear Kirk,
Of course she would love to make it easier on herself by having you in her life.  Who wouldn't?? However, you are being honest with yourself and know that at this point in time you are unable to be friends with her.... therefore, you must put yourself first.  If you can be friends with her at the end of the 60 day no contact period - great, but if she really wants to be in a relationship with you - the great wall of China won't be able to stop her from letting you know that.  You deserve and need this time to get over the raw emotions and to put everything into perspective and as time goes on you will panic a little because you will start to feel differently as well.  You are going to start building a life that doesn't involve her and it is going to feel weird, but the best thing that you can do for yourself.  Good Luck and Warmest Wishes, Erica