Expert: ***ERICA*** - 5/4/2008

Question
My bf & i started going out oct 2005 and it was awesome.. in mar 06 we had a big fight @ my birthday party and after that we broke up for a couple weeks but got back togther.. after that we had a lot of issues he was very possessive and always checked my myspace, facebook, phone bill, he stopped me frm talkin to friends he didnt like tho he would talk to his own loser friends and go out wit them all the time all the while forbidding me from goin places.. we started goin to college together in fall 06 and we were always together but when i'd go home he'd expect me to stay home but he'd be  out all the itme.. in december.. he started hitting me, one night we got into a huge fight and he hit me quite a few times.. it wasn't constant.. after december he hit me mayb 2 or 3 times and that was in the middle of a fight after i would hit him first (not that i'm justifying him hitting me, there is no justification for that) then new yr's i was wit him @ midnight but went home aftrwrds.. and he turned off his fone.. n when i called his friends they had no idea where he was.. but later one like 3 hrs later he turned on his fone n said he was wit his friends the whole time.. but he wasnt? so i let it go.. then in march 07 i found out he had made out wit some random girl he met thru his friend in december.. and that he had made plans while i was wit my family in cali to meet up wit this girl he used to like and go drinking wit her - & that a few months prior he had met up wit her and gotten drunk and got his car towed - but he had told me he was wit his guy friends and I DROVE HIM TO GET HIS CAR BACK.. then fine i took him back becuz i was weak n goin thru a lot at home.. only to find out in june 07.. that he had had sex wit another girl.. this girl he had told me was his possessive ex from be4 we knew each other.. but he had met her in march 06 (when we started having probs) he was 18 she was 24.. he had sex wit her 3 times (or so he says) and she started threatening me when he stpped talkin to her.. so ther ewas that whole drama.. then i found out he had made out wit some girl he met at a club fromengland and still kept in touch wit her thru email.. he had had sex wit his best friend's girlfriend's roommate and used to lie to me and go clubbing all the time wit different girls.. and he used to be a bartender and once he met this girl and went over her house but he swears to me he never did anything wit her.. and it's fcked up that even after i forgave him the first time he still would hang out wit his friends n that 24 yr old girl he cheated on me wit behind my back.. so i finally broke up wit him in june 07... but he was still in a way controlling my life coz i'm from a strict familly (tho i'm 20) and i'm not supposed to date, dating isn't a part of our culture.. so he'd threaten me that he was gona call my house n make me miserable.. meanwhile he dated two girls.. and then he moved away for a few months n i think he must hav hooked up wit girls there but i would still tlak to him once in a while.. he came back almost 6 months later n i got back wit him.. and even tho everyone is against is i still see him.. he doesn't talk to those friends anymore, and he doesn't go partying and clubbing anymore.. but he's still posessive, and he checks up on me all the time like i did something wrong.. and now he's started goin back to being out wit his friends all the time n tho i kno he only goes to play pool and eat and whatever, from the past i know that even when he went to play pool or do small stuff wit his friends, somehow he'd meet girls there or his friends would bring girls and he'd try to talk to them.. and now my parents know abt him too and thye don't like him just becuz i'm not supposed to be dating or doing this kind of stuff befor marriage.. so i'm trying to break up wit him but we're just so involved wit each other that it's like i'm stuck here. i love him a lot, and i kno this crazy passionate love we have doesn't justify anything he has done to me.. but i don't know. i understand why he is the way he is (he comes from a fam where his dad was abusive n alcoholic)and i always g out of my way to help him (give him money, help him any other way possible).. but he still finds ways to be like well i always check up on u coz u lie to me bla bla bla.. and in the back of my head i'm starting to feel like.. he did whatever he wanted to do the whole time we were together, now that he's gotten it out of his system he's ready to calm down - on the other hand i was always content wit not going out and not being wit anybody else but now seeing that he did all that.. i want to live my life too, get it out of my system.. but i have this thing i hate being the bad guy and i don't want to break up wit him becuz of my selfish reasons.. i really don't know.. i know we shud break up but then i think that no u know, he is much different although posessive frm how he was before.. so i should b ok wit it.. but i'm not? i don't know what to do...

Answer
Hi Neeta,
What you are describing in your email is a very unhealthy relationship.  Relationships are hard enough as it is, but when you add in physical violence, possessiveness, lack of trust, etc.  you are just compiling together a ton or reasons why this isn't a good relationship to be involved in.  A healthy relationship is one where 2 people can have their individuality and then come together as one.  It is based on mutual trust and respect and when one of those aspects are gone:  the relationship is pretty much over.  Therefore, I would consider if this is what you really want.  You may just be missing him because you are scared to fully lose him, fear of being alone, not knowing what the future holds for you, etc.  these are understandable fears, but not reasons to stay in an extremely unhealthy relationship.  Letting go is very difficult, but sometimes necessary to give yourself a chance to have a happy and healthy relationship.  Give yourself the chance..... I know that I would rather be alone than in a relationship that doesn't provide me with the things that I really want in someone and I sure don't want to be held hostage.  Warmest Wishes, Erica