Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/16/2008

Question
Hi there. I recently made the decision to end a three year long relationship with a man I was deeply in love with. He changed so drastically in such a short period of time that I don't even recognize him anymore. He is not the man I fell in love with.

He knew from the beginning that I was very independent, a feminist and an untraditional woman. He said he liked that about me. He said he liked the fact that I had a mind of my own, that I didn't allow a man to control me etc.

Well, he has since gotten into christianity, and become controlling and abusive. he told me if I wanted to be with him I would have to give up my feminism, and agree to enter into a traditional christian marriage. I would have to do what he told me to do, have his children, give up my career etc He started talking down to me, and quoting scriputure that said women were inferior, and should obey their husbands etc .

Do you think I made the right decision? It hurts really bad. I miss the old person he used to be. I don't feel it was fair of him to ask me to change, since I have always been this way. I am still the person that he fell in love with. Everything he believes goes against what I believe. Any advice? Thanks.

Lisa

Answer
Hi Lisa,
You are absolutely right... it isn't fair to have to change and why should you... you love who you are and that is who he fell in love with anyway... You didn't ask him to change - he chose to follow a different path in his life and now wants you to accompany him on this journey.  That would have to be your choice and I find that when we try to be someone that we aren't - we end up becoming very miserable....  I am sure that you do miss the man that you fell in love with, but that isn't who he is anymore.... You were with him for a very long time and there is a mourning period even if you did the right thing its still hard.... Concentrate on you and what you love to do - surround yourself with wonderful people and feel the sad feelings because that is what you need to do.... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica