Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/12/2008

Question
Hi Erica,

I have a problem I'm hoping you can help me with.

I have been with my ex for 3 years up until January this year when we split.  We have a beautiful daughter together and she is our world.  I am 35, my ex is 22, the baby is now 1 year old.

We split because of pressure relating to living arrangements...she lives at her parents still and has done all through our relationship.  We used to be inseparable until the latter part of her pregnancy.  I wanted us to live as a family unit but she has made every excuse not to move in, saying my place is unsuitable, not 'ours' (ie. it's mine), that she gets more support at home etc which initially I was okay with.  She has made no effort to get her name down on the list for housing even though the baby is now 1 and seems very content to stay where she is.  I also strongly suspect her mother is in her ear trying to keep her there for her own reasons.  I am in a no-win situation.

We appeared to be getting back on track until she went on holiday recently and she started going all cold again (after a week with her mum and sister and baby).  It's come to a head and we're not even speaking now.  I asked her last thursday to make time this sunday just gone to either have a family day for all 3 of us or in the evening for just us parents.  On the friday I asked her about it and she told me it was out of the question and that she was going out with her friends instead and that they had asked her the week prior.  Furthermore she said her Mum told her she should go out.  I saw this as the ultimate rejection.   

The only contact I've made is to get access to my daughter and to be honest I'm finding it very hard not to contact her because I still love her, even though I feel she is making a very big mistake letting her mum call the shots partly.

Any advice relating to this would be gratefully received.  I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by not contacting her as often.  She has made no attempt to contact me either.  We've hit rock bottom.

Please help me get this in perspective.

Regards,

Nick
United Kingdom


Answer
Hi Nick,
Hopefully you are taking a positive role in your daughter's life and supporting her financially as well as emotionally.  Keep being a responsible parent and allow your ex the time that she needs to do whatever it is she needs to do.  There have been a lot of changes and she may have other reasons for the breakup.  The only thing you can do is be a great dad and respect her as your child's mother.  Everything else needs to fall in place on its own - if its meant to be - it will be.  Warmest Wishes, Erica