Expert: Dana Q - 6/12/2008

Question
Hi Dana Q,

I have a problem I'm hoping you can help me with.

I have been with my ex for 3 years up until January this year when we split.  We have a beautiful daughter together and she is our world.  I am 35, my ex is 22, the baby is now 1 year old.

We split because of pressure relating to living arrangements...she lives at her parents still and has done all through our relationship.  We used to be inseparable until the latter part of her pregnancy.  I wanted us to live as a family unit but she has made every excuse not to move in, saying my place is unsuitable, not 'ours' (ie. it's mine), that she gets more support at home etc which initially I was okay with.  She has made no effort to get her name down on the list for housing even though the baby is now 1 and seems very content to stay where she is.  I also strongly suspect her mother is in her ear trying to keep her there for her own reasons.  I am in a no-win situation.

We appeared to be getting back on track until she went on holiday recently and she started going all cold again (after a week with her mum and sister and baby).  It's come to a head and we're not even speaking now.  The only contact I've made is to get access to my daughter and I;m finding it very hard not to contact her because I still love her, even though I feel she is making a very big mistake letting her mum call the shots partly.

Any advice realting to this would be gratefully received.  I don't know if I'm doing the right thing by not contacting her as often.  She has made no attempt to contact me either.  We've hit rock bottom.

Please help me get this in persepective.

Regards,

Nick
United Kingdom  

Answer
Hi Nick,

Thanks for writing to me.  This is a very tough situation.  Your ex is young, impressionable, and probably more than a little overwhelmed by the prospect of raising a daughter.  Additionally, her mother is probably putting some pressure on her, perhaps insinuating that this whole relationship was a mistake on her part.  Clearly, your ex has yielded to this pressure, since she has made no effort to look for housing for all of you.  Unfortunately, I think you may have to accept that the relationship is over and take solace in the fact that she isn't giving you a hard time about seeing your daughter.  I think you are doing the right thing by only contacting her to arrange visitation.  Maybe the best way to get over this is to accept that if she really wanted to continue the relationship, she would contact you.  It's always hard to keep yourself from wondering what could have been, but I think in time you will realize that perhaps this wasn't meant to be.  

Good Luck,

Dana Q