Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/21/2008

Question
Hi Erica! My girlfriend just broke up with me after 6 years of being in a relationship. We are both 24 years old. I am currently a student pursuing a medical school career and she has just recently graduated from nursing school. We've been dating seriously for 6 years since junior year of high school. Despite attending schools (college) 2 hrs away from each other, my girlfriend would always make an effort and drive over to see me every weekend throughout our relationship. Moreover, (this past year) I moved to a more prestigious school that was little bit closer to her school and we both thought it was good news for our relationship. Yet, I would be busy with school work and research and couldn't even give a simple evening-night call to my girlfriend...sometimes even not picking up her calls...in essence, just neglecting her effort. Well, this has been going on for about 4 months and she began getting emotional support from another guy. In the meantime, this guy would talk to her and buy her small little gifts to make her happy while I was too busy for her. Last week, my girlfriend had  graduated from nursing school and had numerous grad parties to attend. Thus, I decided to give her time and have her own space to have fun and...didn't talk to her too much on the phone. Her reaction was frustration and disappointment in me for not even calling her during the week. Also, with all this building up...we were arguing and I eventually yelled at her and told her some things that went overboard ("f*** you and go f*** yourself"). She then said that she doesn't have the energy anymore to continue with the relationship and that's how it ended last week.

Okay. It had been two days since the breakup and she decided to talk to me in person (since the breakup was over the phone). We talked and understood what I was going through at the moment (family illnesses, personal troubles, dilemmas, etc). She said that she doesn't have the energy to make the relationship work and that she has lots of things on her mind. Some of the things that were on her mind was the Nursing board exam she needed to pass, my anger that she thinks can't change, the guy that bought her little things and supported her ..suddenly, telling her how he likes her after our breakup, her first new job in the work force, etc etc.
But the thing that got me confused was our meeting. We talked, kissed each other, and cried with each other. Then, she suddenly asked me to give her space and time to think about what she really wants to do. She told me her heart is hurting because I had hurt her..and that she cannot open up her heart to me as before. I was basically begging her to believe that I've changed and I now know what I want in our relationship and what is important and show how appreciative I am of her..But I knew it was a little late because I realized after the breakup.

Well, two days had passed since the talk...and I decided to win her heart back. I told her that I would do whatever it takes to win her heart back. I wrote a 6 page letter with 100 things why I loved her and surprised her in the morning with flowers to make her feel better. She seemed to love it and tell me that she really loves me. But another part of her heart can't believe that I've changed since change takes time. She said she wants to believe it but her heart just can't at the moment. And she told me to give her time and space to figure it out for herself. But I had asked her why she went out on a date with the guy four days after our breakup (she told me before that she wouldn't go into a relationship with others for awhile since it wouldnt be fair to both of us)? I even asked her if they had kissed? My question to you (Erica) is ...why would she tell me the truth that she had kissed him? She said he leaned over and told her he liked her and kissed her and she gave in...But then she tells me that she felt nothing in the kiss and I was a better kisser. What was her reasoning behind this? Why would she tell me all this?

After this, I couldn't help but call her several times a day  (day and night)...and she would tell me not to call her like that because we arent in a relationship no more. She told me once again to give her own space...for she has lots to do at the moment. I asked her to make a deal with me and promise me something. I told her that I would not contact or text or even email her for one month until her exam was at least over. But, I had asked her to contact me and see me and celebrate that day with me... when her  Nursing board exam was done in exactly 1 month. And she promised she could do that. Do you see hope in our relationship? What steps should I take to win her heart back? Should I not pursue her when I meet her for the first time in 1 month? I want to have a romantic date with her..to essentially celebrate that day with her...but at the same time...what if she says she is not ready yet? Or maybe it is too early? I need help, Erica.

I would deeply appreciate it if you could give me some good advice on what I should do and maybe what she is thinking since she is in the crossroads of her life. I told her my   engagement/wedding plans after graduating from college next summer. But she seems to be skeptical (just a little) because medical school is a long tough road and stressful and...she can't imagine how I will manage the stress level and affect our relationship.

Answer
Hi Damien,
Unfortunately, there is nothing that you can do to make her feel the way that you want her to feel.  We can only control our own emotions, thoughts, feelings, and actions - noone else's.  That is why breakups are so difficult because we want to know all of the answers to questions that we may never get the answers to.  I think that the best thing for you to do is just give her the space that she needs, but continue on with your life.  You have a full plate in front of you with a lot of opportunity in your future.  That has to be your primary concern whether she comes back or doesn't.  Sometimes, relationships just run their course and they end for no good reason.  You can't beat yourself up for the things you did in the past you can just learn from them.  When I care about someone I do make sure that I make a phone call because there is nothing in life that creates us to be so busy that we can't even make a phone call.  So, remember that whether you get back with her or eventually are in a different relationship.... Just as you want to feel important - so does the other person.  She needs to make a decision on her own as to whether or not she still wants to be with you.  Allow her that because I know that if someone didn't want to be with me - there would be no point to having a relationship.  If she wants this... trust me... you will know... I wouldn't even put a time limit on it because it could take a month or six months, but don't put your life on hold because you have a great life ahead of you and an amazing journey.  Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica