Expert: Dana Q - 6/19/2008

Question
Hello My name is Tamara Level.  My birthday is 8/21/72.  I have brown eyes, and hair.  I have been with my husband for 19 years.  We met in high school and started dating in the 11th grade.  We have been together ever since.  After high school I attended college and my husband (then boyfriend) worked several jobs and we seemed to be clicking with each other.  Six years later our first daughter was born.  Two years from that our son was born. We got married 1 year after my son was born so we had been together for 10 years.  Our second daughter was born 6 years after our son.  My husband always seemed to have trouble keeping a job.  He is a video game fanatic and that is basically what he did when he was not working.  During the time he was not working he would be mean to me and my children.  He would talk at them instead of to them.  He went jobless for 3 years.We are now at the point of divorce after 9 years of marriage, because he felt the need to cheat with an old girlfriend.  We are living with his parents because we both lost our jobs.  He started drinking and staying out till late in the night. Sometimes not even coming home until the next night. He then started accusing me of cheating in his parents house!  This madness has continued and now he wants a divorce!  I am having a hard time with  this because I have been with this man since I was 17! I wanted to save the marriage but he wants to move on with this woman. He wants me to move out as quickly as possible but at this time I am trying to find a job and get back on my feet. Could you please give me some advice on how to cope with this situation.  I have to live with him until I can financially move.

Answer
Hi Tamara,

Thanks for writing to me.  Well, let me first say that you should count yourself lucky that you won't be married to this man anymore.  You don't need a jobless, verbally abusive, unfaithful jerk for a husband.  You're finding it difficult to move on because you have been involved with him for over half of your life.  It's natural to be scared and confused.  However, in the long run, you will see that this is the best thing for you.  Let his other woman deal with his selfishness.  

As for the financial end of things, is there anyone you can stay with, like a friend or family member?  If not, you might want to look into your local women's center to find some housing assistance while you search for a job.  Also, try to obtain the services of a lawyer so that you can ensure he will pay you child support both before and after the divorce, if you are taking the kids with you.  He can go to jail for refusing to pay, regardless of whether he has a job or not.

Good Luck,

Dana Q