Expert: Dana Q - 6/29/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi Dana,
You gave me advice on what to do in regards to staying away from my ex-girlfriend (contact wise: email, phone, text, etc). On a followup question to your response ...
*Note:You gave me advice on my 6.5 yrs relationship breakup/ nursing exam/ medical path/etc.....if you don't remember.

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John,

Sending the flowers would be nice.  However, I would probably limit the card to saying "Good Luck on Your Nursing Exam!" and sign the card "Love, John" rather than "Love always".  You don't want the card to be too heavy.  She knows how you feel about her, she knows that you love her and miss her.  She'll know that you're thinking of her because you sent the flowers.  By limiting the topic to something that is very important to her like the exam, you will put the focus back on her.  You don't want to make it about you by pointing out how lonely you are without her.  This is important because it will show her that you are putting her first.

As for the screename thing, stick to your plan of giving her space.  Don't contact her through any means until the flowers - no phone, e-mail, IM, texting, IMs, etc.  Give her the chance to miss you as much as you miss her.  If this is meant to be, she will give you the second chance you long for.  But trying to force her to make up her mind will only push her away.

Dana Q
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My dad had gotten sick over the last couple of days and it was hard on me to handle all the things that were going through in my life (breakup, dad's sickness, family issues, and academic issues...) so I had called my girlfriend if we can meet and talk and help me at the moment as a friend. She talked to me on the phone and was about to meet me and told me she could be there as a friend and i said it's fine...i'm just going through a tough time and I need someone next to me... but she discussed the situation with her parents and her parents told her that it's not a good idea to see each other at this moment. I understood the situation and I told her it is okay and that I understand. Moreover, before we got off the phone...I told her that I'm talking to a psychologist and was telling her that I'm getting better and that I hoped she was doing well. I told her I wouldn't contact her because it would help with her healing process and i know that she has alot on her plate right now too. I told her I didn't want to call about my dad's situation since she was going through alot too, but I needed to talk to somebody at the moment.

At any rate, I explained to her that I will "seriously" not contact her at least until her nursing board exam is over. We ended on a sad note since it was about my dad and also our conversation was partially about us...and i realized she needed time and space and just time away from me. She told me she cared about me...that is why she was ready to drive 1 hour out of her way to see me but her parents advised it was not good for her to meet me. But she told me, if I really needed her, she said she was willing to see me as a friend.

Now, the question is ...do I still send flowers stating "Good Luck on your nursing exam! Love, john"? Is that "love, john" part imposing that I'm still waiting for her? Is it okay to just state that? Also, on top of the flowers, I wanted to make it humourous (bc she knows my character) and add a fork as an inside joke we have about "picking the right answers on the exam."

I know that she might not be ready in 3 weeks to see me. The nursing exam is on July 21...so it is only 3 weeks away. Do I still send flowers and a note with a fork couple days before? Do I not talk or contact her until she calls me (which I don't know when that will be)? What can I do at this stage? I'm going on with my normal life routine and trying to stay focused on my life's goals (that was what my girlfriend also advised me that I should do).

Before we said our goodbyes, I told her that I appreciated the time she gave me and how she talked to me...and that she will always be in a special box in my heart...and that I will be looking forward to possibly opening that romantic box with her someday. So in this kind of situation, what would recommmend me doing? Send flowers or don't send flowers? Don't contact her forever? Contact her in beginning of August or end of July? I need help, Dana...You've been really helpful throughout this tough time. I appreciate it. Thanks

ANSWER: John,

Sorry to hear about your dad's illness.  Given everything you've told me, I would still send the flowers but drop the "love" part on the card.  You can still be a friend to her who wishes her luck on her exam.  Anything more than that on the card will come off as too needy.  Stick to your plan of not contacting her (except for the flowers).  Let her contact you.  She will know you still care about her because of the things you've said and because of the flowers.  When she is ready to talk to you again, she will.  Keeping your promise to her to not contact her again is absolutely critical if you want any chance of getting back together with her.  It will be hard, but you have to do it - no making up excuses to contact her as a friend or anything else.  Give her the time she needs right now.

Dana

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi, Dana!

Thanks for your response. I had some time to think and reflect on many aspects of our relationship and ..most importantly..myself. I am doing much better now and have not contacted my girlfriend for about a week now. I am trying my best to keep my promise for it is only fair for her and myself at this time. In regards to the flowers, I decided not to send the flowers at all since that might itself show  that I'm too needy of her (even if I just wish her good luck as a friend ..without the love, john portion). Now, my plan is to simply not contact her and wait for her to contact me.

But do you think this is a good idea? I don't want to look like I am begging for her to come back to me...and contacting her just because she was done with the nursing board exam. I just think that maybe sending flowers (even as a friend) might look as if I am still begging for her to come back to me...when maybe she has already lost all feelings for me. From a female's perspective, would you appreciate flowers from a guy who you just brokeup with couple weeks ago? She might still think that I still have feelings for her and might look like I can't get over her or something...

Also, if / when she does contact me..how should I handle the phonecall? How should I ask her to hang out with me and have a nice talk with her? This will probably be sometime in end of July or beginning of August. Do we go out for coffee or tea? dinner? Do I bring flowers with cards at that time when we meet congratulating her? Could you provide some advice on this issue? If we do end up meeting, should I surprise her with a fun night out? or is that too soon? What can I do?

To be honest with you, I am still in love with her...and I think I didn't show an attractive sign by begging and trying to win her back after the breakup and even contacting her almost everyday for the 2 weeks after the breakup (telling her it was difficult to live my life at the moment without her). I asked her if she at least liked the surprise day I had planned for her...and she admitted that the surprise day was wonderful and beautiful and she loved it...but she said she wants the space and time away from each other for the time being until she is completely healed. Does this mean she wants me to get over her? I don't know ... it would be great if you could help me out with maybe what she's thinking and wanting...and what I should do when I meet her or get to talk to her? Flowers/small "inside joke" caring gifts? Show my affection for her? Show that I waited for her throughout the month apart? or should I show that I am doing just fine without her and have gone out with other women but felt nothing with them? I am not completely sure what I  should do...you've been tremendously helpful with your honest thoughts and I appreciate them. Thanks.

Answer
Hi John,

You are doing the right thing by waiting for her to contact you rather than contacting her.  She has told you quite a few times that she needs her space, and you absolutely must give it to her if you want any chance of getting back together.  Try not to overthink this; it comes down to the simple idea of giving her what she wants.  Fortunately, she has been honest and upfront about her expectations - all she wants is time to think and a little emotional distance.  That's a good thing - it shows that she has a healthy outlook on dealing with relationships.  

From a woman's perspective, it would make me extremely uncomfortable to receive flowers, messages, e-mails, calls, etc. at a time when I specifically asked to be left alone.  Let her breathe.  Let yourself breathe.  Don't stress out over what card, flowers, or meal would be appropriate if she does decide to call you in a month.  If after a month of no contact she decides she wants to see you again, you'll need only bring yourself.  Remember that if you don't change, no amount of flowers or flowery expressions will be able to save your relationship.   Use the time away from her to work on yourself and honor your commitment to her to change.  Instead of wondering about what she's thinking, reflect on how your actions caused the separation and how you can correct your behavior for the future.

Dana Q