Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/23/2008

Question
Hi,
I will start with the question(s).  Why do people, in this case a girl, tell the one they broke up with that they still want to be friends and talk and text and video chat?  Is it to ease their own conscience or can it be genuine? Do they really believe their intentions are pure?
I have always been somewhat confused about this action. Now I get to deal with it first hand. My story is of a broken engagement. Together for 2.5 yrs. Very much in love I thought, and making many plans for the future, even children. Everything seemed normal. I think I just want to know why people say those dreaded phrases.  Not to mention the classic "I love you, but I'm not in love with you"...heard that one too. She is the one that wants to stay in touch. She saw the pain and anguish she is causing and the disbelief. Yet, she seems unaffected by it. I am in a deep state of grief and turmoil, but she continues to want to video chat. How can a person be so cold after this much time and effort?  I said all I could say, wrote all I could write. Through every reason in the book at her why it would work and be good.  And she still wants to stay in touch. She knows how broken I am over this. I should mention that she is in Europe with her family for the summer and we were supposed to pick back up in August just like last year.  Now she has stated what I read so often on this site.  "I need space, time and don't want to be in a relationship right now....but I want to stay friends because I care about you."  No real reason for the change of heart. This was so completely out of the blue that I like most was/am devastated. I am going through the not eating, not sleeping, blaming myself phase.   I read some very good advice here and it will help. I'm looking more for what compels someone to say those things instead of wanting a clean break. I could go into what is going on in her life that may have made her take this course, but all in all it seems what she said is common in a break up. So that's it for now. I hope that is enough information. Maybe it will help me move on.   Thank you.

Answer
Hi J,
Sometimes when someone ends a relationship they want to keep the channel of communication open so that it eases their pain and guilt.  Sometimes they also want to keep the door open because they don't know if the "grass is greener on the other side."  Unfortunately, the other party gets hurt and hurts terribly.  There is nothing you can do except try to take care of yourself a day at a time making sure that you get food, rest, and surround yourself with good people.  She may have her own agenda going on - you don't know and rarely do you even get the answer that you are hoping for.  The best advice that I can give you is to give yourself 60 days of absolutely no contact with her - no matter what.... because it will allow you to accept this incredible change that has occurred in your life as well as allow you to gain a new perspective and to start creating your own life as well.  By staying in constant communication with her - you are only going to go through more suffering and not get the closure that you need to be able to move on.  Healing starts when you accept and not hang on to hope... Then, you can mourn the relationship and start to focus and really take care of you..... Good Luck... Warmest Wishes, Erica