Expert: Dana Q - 6/28/2008

Question
Dear Dana,

I am a 27 yr. old single woman. I own my own business and have supported myself since graduating college in 2003. In the summer of 2005, I moved to NYC to help get my mind off being dumped by my boyfriend of 2 yrs..

I decided to take a class, thinking it would be a good way to meet men - and it was.  I began socializing and was drawn to Mike, he's 7 yrs. older than me with 2 children who live with his estranged ex.  We come from opposite worlds.  I'm a white college grad from a middle class family. He is an African American, raised by a single mom, always having to struggle to make ends meet.

Initially, our attraction was purely physical, but we were also friends. he was always honest about not being over the break up with his sons mother and expressed extreme ambivalence toward her (hated her, still loved her, etc.) Despite our differences, we connected intellectually as well and a relationship developed between us.  It was always rocky, things would be great then he'd have to distance himself. We broke up in 6/06 when he started seeing another woman (she was African American. as was his ex).  In 9/06, we got back together after he ended the other relationship.  

We've been together since then and I know he hasn't cheated. My gut feelings are usually correct (even when I wish they weren't) and my gut tells me that there isn't another woman.  Still things are always hot & cold and he has always remained emotionally aloof.

A few weeks ago, he said he felt guilty that he cant give me the love i deserve because he still loves his ex (she hates him by-the-way)& he just wants to be friends. He said "It's not you, it's me" and "if only I had met you before I met her".  He also said that he can only get so close to a woman before feeling uncomfortable.  He said he knew he was cheating himself and he hoped it would change one day.  I told him he would only change if he makes an effort to.

I was devastated, but I agreed to just be friends, knowing he was right.  After that, he began acting very caring towards me.  He even told me that he loved me, which he has never done before but still maintained that he cant have a relationship with me or anyone.  We ended up sleeping together twice more, because we are attracted to one another & its hard not to.  After the last time I said we must stop because we'll fall right back into the same pattern & he agreed.  

I need to know what to do. Do you think there is any possibility that he will ever want a relationship with me to progress?  If there is a chance how do I handle this to increase the odds?  Should I maintain a friendship with him?  If there is no chance for us, I would like to have him in my life because I love him.  I cant bear the thought of not having him in my life but I also know that I couldn't tolerate it if he started seeing another woman.  I told him that, and he said that he had no desire to see other women.  But eventually he will and i cant bear that either.  My pride still stings from that summer 2 years ago, when he chose another woman over me. I cannot go through that again.

Please tell me how to make the most of this situation. i need him in my life.  

Grateful for your guidance and insight,

Sinking Heart

Answer
Dear Sinking Heart,

Thanks for writing to me. I apologize for the delay in my response; I have been traveling recently.  Unfortunately, I think any attempt to have a relationship with this man will only result in pain and disappointment for you.  He is not capable of committing himself fully to you, and he is unwilling to allow you to get truly close to him, perhaps because he knows he will only hurt you in the end.  If he is unable to move on from his ex after 2+ years, he may never be able to.  You can't allow yourself to remain in this emotional limbo any longer.  I know how much you feel you need him in your life, but you are lying to yourself when you say you can just be friends.  The fact that you continue to sleep together despite efforts not to demonstrates that just being friends isn't possible for the two of you.  In order for you to be friends, you would need to eradicate any hope of a romantic relationship.  Ask yourself this question: If he and his ex get back together permanently, could you be happy for them?  A true friend would be; someone who is in love with her "friend" would not.  Given the circumstances, I think you should consider cutting off contact with him.  You are doing yourself more harm than good by keeping him in your life.

Good Luck,

Dana Q