Expert: Dana Q - 6/25/2008

Question
Hi Dana,
 First and foremost, thank you for taking the time to read this.
 I have been with my girlfriend Katrina for 3 and a half years now. She is 21, and I am 20.
 Kat mentioned to me the other day that some friends of hers broke up after a 4 year relationship due to the fact that they were after different things in life. This got me thinking that Kat and I are in a similar situation.
 While she doesn't want kids in the near future, she has told me she wants them after she's finished studying and established her career - probably closer to the age of 27 or 28. I however, am currently under the impression that I'll never want children. And my view on marriage is somewhat a grey area also.
 I have spoken with Kat about this, and her response was that my view on life might change in the future. I assured her that it wasn't about to, however this didn't seem to bother her.
 I feel bad, for leading her on, in a way, because I know that I won't want kids when she is ready for them.
 I've also been considering the way she treats me on the whole - she is somewhat possessive, though I am not sure she is aware of this behaviour. She seems to think that my every free moment should be focussed on her, if she is available. I've tried to tell her that I need some time for me, yet although she says she'll be more careful next time, she never is.
 She is also somewhat intrusive on a relationship I have with a close friend of mine, Georgia (also 20). Georgia and I went through high school together, and are very close, yet there is nothing more than a powerful friendship between us. I have spoken with Kat about her feelings on the matter, yet she reassures me that she feels no animosity towards Georgia whatsoever. When I ask her what the problem is, I get responses to the liking of: "I don't think you should be spending so much time with her", or "None of your friends who have girlfriends have close female friends."

 For these reasons I have been contemplating ending the relationship, yet I feel that it would be somewhat selfish to do so. Kat's mother is blind, and her grandmother is also very frail. For these reasons, Kat depends on me tremendously, as a form of respite, from her family. Her family also loves me dearly, and depend on me to help them with the shopping and odd-jobs around the home, occassionaly.

 What do I do?
 Thank you once again for reading this essay of a cry for help, and I eagerly await your response..

- Simon.

Answer
Hi Simon,

Thanks for writing to me.  It sounds to me as though you really want to end this relationship, but that you're staying in it out of guilt.  Although there is no need to make decisions about marriage and children right now, and you may indeed change your mind on how you feel about it, your and Kat's difference of opinion on the matter could create major problems down the line if you don't change your mind.  What I think is the greater threat is Kat's controlling behavior.  Since you have told her clearly that you need some time for yourself and you have discussed how the intrusion on your relationship with Georgia bothers you, it seems like she is unable to control these posessive impulses.  It is perfectly reasonable and even healthy for you to want to have time with yourself, and as long as you haven't given Kat any reason to distrust you, she should respect your relationship with Georgia just as you (presumably) respect her relationships with her friends.  

Because these problems don't appear that they may ever be resolved, I think you would be justified in moving on.  There may also be an element of growing up and growing apart that is going on here.  Your desire to help Kat and her family is admirable, but you shouldn't put others' needs and happiness before your own.  You won't be doing Kat any favors by staying in a relationship with her when you really want to move on, which will only cause tension and resentment to build over time.  It would be better to end things now before that happens, and maybe it is possible that you could, after an appropriate amount of time and emotional distance, keep Kat in your life as a friend to continue providing some of the support she needs.  However, if you find that remaining friends is not a viable option, you still should end the relationship if that is truly what you want to do.  Kat is an adult, and she is responsible for her own happiness, too.  She should be able to seek out the support she needs rather than depending entirely on you.

I hope this helps.  Sorry for the delay with the response; I have been traveling.

Good Luck,

Dana Q