Expert: Dana Q - 6/23/2008

Question
I dated this guy off and on (mostly on) for 8 years.  I am 26 and he is 27, we have 3 kids together.  Over the years he has been physicaly abusive mentaly abusive and verbaly abusive.  He is addicted to crack and he is very intimidating and knows what buttons to push on me to make me cave in.  I have finally made the decision to end the relationship and he is not taking it well.  I fear him and fear getting the police involved because in the past that has always made things worse on me.  He has attacked me while under a restraining order and has always threatened me if I don't drop charges.  It gets bad.  He is having a hard time dealing with losing everything and he is becoming desperate.  He is trying to mess with my job, my friends and has even gone as far as texting messages to a new male friend in my life that aren't true.  He has sat outside of his house while I was there and even banging on the doors.  I am trying to keep him from blowing because I know it comes on me 10 times worse but at the same time I need to get on with my life.  I've been trying to leave him for at least 4 years now and hes always made it difficult for me to go.  I do not want to fear this man for the rest of my life and i do not want him interfearing with any new relationships I may have in my life.  What do I do??

Answer
Hi Kristy,

Thanks for writing to me.  You and your kids need to leave immediately.  You do need to get the police involved, but you also need to get away from him.  Is there a friend or family member you can stay with?  If not, then look for your local women's shelter for help.  They may be able to assist you with a place to stay, and give you advice on what to do next.  Under no circumstances should you stay in this situation.  Physical abuse can escalate to the point of a fatality, and now that he knows you want to leave him, you're more vulnerable than ever.  Call the police, press charges, and get away from him ASAP.

Good Luck,

Dana Q