Expert: Dana Q - 6/14/2008

Question
Hi there, I feel bad dumping my problems on my friends so I thought I would give this a try. I have been dating this girl for about a year and a half (I am 21, she is 20), and at first things seemed fine, but after a few months She started developing a bad temper.

I would make small mistakes like not fixing her printer fast enough or dropping a folder and spilling some papers on the floor, just little things that I don't feel are worth getting upset over. She would yell at me and make a big deal about it, calling me useless or other names and on some occasions would hit me or throw things at me. She has even broken some of my things because she is upset with me. Afterwards she always blames it on stress and will usually apologize.

We have tried talking about it, how I don't like it when she over reacts like that and the way she treats me. She always says she will work on it, but it always ends up happening again. As time passes it just seems to get worse and more frequent. I have gotten to the point where I am tired of hoping it will change.

The problem is I have never broken up with someone before, and I am having trouble getting up the nerve to do it. She has grown very clingy and dependent on me, she will not take the news of me wanting to end the relationship well at all. Part of me wants to wait until the next time she gets upset with me, then I can just break up with her, walk away and be done with it. Bringing it up out of no where seems awkward, and would make me have to do a lot of explaining and dealing with her getting very upset, which at this point I am tired of. Any advice is welcome, but mostly advice on how to prepare myself to go through with this, and how/when to do it. Thanks for any help you give and sorry for this being long.

Answer
Hi Anthony,

Thanks for writing to me.  I am glad to hear that you want to break up with your girlfriend.  She is not overstressed; she is emotionally and verbally abusive.  The pattern of promising to change and then exploding again is the classic pattern of emotional abuse.  She will not change, so you are right to break up with her.

First, you need to make a firm commitment to yourself that you are going to break up with her once and for all, no matter how much she begs you not to.  There is no need to wait for her to explode again.  You have spoken to her about your unhappiness before, so this will not be coming out of the blue.  Ask her to meet you in a public place.  Do not, under any circumstances, allow her to convince you to go to her or your house.  Doing it in a public place will keep the drama to a minimum, and it will make it much harder for her to control the situation and manipulate you.  Also, by doing it in a public place, you have the option to leave at any time.  Once you have broken up with her, you may need to change your phone #, email, etc.  A person this clingy and dependent most likely will not go easily.

I hope this helps.

Good Luck,

Dana Q