Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/11/2008

Question
QUESTION: Hi.. this is the first time I am using this site to get relationship advice.  I am going through a really tough time.. and I've bothered my best friends to death.

Here is the issue.  Someone that I dated for a short while.. is leaving town for a year.  The reason we decided not to take the relationship further was trust issues... It's a long story.  Bottom line... intellectually I know he is not the right guy for me and it is a blessing in disguise that we are not together.. and him leaving for a year will make it easier to move on.  But I still have a lot of hurt feelings.. that seem to be surfacing now... I did e-mail him to say goodbye and wish him all the best.  I thought that was my way of moving on.  But then he replied saying he still has a gift he bought me a long time ago and wants to give it to me.  And he hopes he gets to say goodbye in person.  I had agreed because I want to be mature about it.  But I just found out.. that he is dating someone else.. which is fine.. But the reason I feel hurt is that I felt he had played me.  

Here's why:
Three years ago.. i had just moved into the city.. I had just broken up with some-one .  that's when I met "this guy, or G."  I did feel a connection with him... but I wasn't over my ex.. At the time, I was honest with G..I told him it was too soon for me to date someone else... I honestly thought I was being fair to him because we had developed a friendship.  G also knew that for a year.. my ex and I still had feelings for each other.. I was hoping to salvage something.  It didn't work out.  Meantime.. g and i saw each other on occasion as friends. We e-mail back and forth as friends.  But I honestly thought .. he was over me.. because he was dating other people..

Well a year later.. I start to have more feelings for g.  so i bit the bullet.. invited him out..  I thought one of three things would happen.. he still would have feelings for me and we could start things up.. Or he had moved on.. which is fair. . or he was dating someone else.

Well it became a combination of all three.. he would call back.. invite me out.. kiss me good night.. then not call.. not respond to my e-mails.. then I backed off.. I run into him while he is on a date.. then I say to myself.. move on... he e-mails me a couple of days later.. inviting me over for drinks.. explaining to me the reason he backed off is because he thought I was playing him.. when we first met.. he thought I was jerking him around.. I did apologize and  explain my self to  him..  I thought he understood.. but after a few dates.. he kept asking me over and over again.. whether i really like him.. he also said some of the most romantic things anyone had ever said to me..  Physically.. we made out a couple of times.. I was not ready to sleep with him.. until I knew he really wanted to date me. He does admit he has trust issues with women.. his wife had left him..  he said he was so head over heels for me years ago.. the feelings are there.. but he's worried that if we date.. i would leave him for someone else.  He said he would rather regret not dating me.. than getting in to a relationship and  not trusting me..so after all this.. we decided .. it was best.. we not to pursue the relationship any further..  and that we stay as friends..

we were both adult about it.. but our friendship has been awkward.. naturally because the emotions are still there.  But now I find out.. that he is dating someone.. the man who said he was so head over heels for me.. is seeing someone.. which is fine.. but now I feel like he totally played me and lied to me.. that all those romantic things he said to me were just lines..

There is a part of me that wants to tell him to his face how i am feeling.. but then again.. would he get it?  and would it turn ugly?.... I personally just need some kind of closure.. whether it's telling him to his face.. or just writing it in a journal..  

And seeing that he is dating someone else.. did he want to say bye just to do the "right thing."  I just want to move on.. I feel like I am boxed in to seeing him because I agreed.  If I back out.. I am not sure how that will look.. There is also a going away party for him.. I am sure his girlfriend would be there.. I right now don't feel comfortable going.

So how important is face-to-face closure?  If I still meet him.. do i tell him what i am feeling.. or do I say bye and wish him all the best..

hope you can help



ANSWER: Hi....

Honestly, face to face closure actually makes it more difficult and I don't believe that it is necessary.  I think that he has given you the closure by dating someone else and everything he is telling you is just an excuse.  For whatever reason he just can't bring himself to say... Im just not that into you.  He wants to keep you on the back burner for whatever selfish reason(s) he may have.  The best thing that you can do for yourself is move on.  He is going to be gone for a year so this is the perfect opportunity to create a fabulous life for yourself and there isn't a better way to start it than by empowering yourself and telling him NO... I don't want to see you - you chose to date someone else, therefore, I have no desire to continue communications at this time.  Give yourself 60 days of no contact.  I know - much easier said than done.... but, find comfort that in 60 days you can contact him if you wish and hopefully by then you won't want to...... your friends are trying to be there for you, but are probably realizing that they can't get through to you - remember your girlfriends really do have your best interest at heart.  Surround yourself with great people and new things to do and the pain does start to diminish.... it doesn't always hurt this bad, but you must accept what has happened and realize what is going on..... I hope this helps... Warmest Wishes, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: So are you saying that he didn't mean it when he said he wanted to say goodbye in person? Was this his way of keeping me around for selfish reasons?  If that's the case.. then I really thank you for your advice.. and I think I have said my good-bye already in my original e-mail

ANSWER: I do think that it was for his own selfish reasons.  That is why just letting him go now will give you the empowerment that you need.  He is dating someone else... he is telling you that he needs to go and do his thing, but he is dating someone else.... so, that means he has his own selfish agenda and you deserve more than that.  Take back your power and don't see him..... let him worry about you.... or not and either way you will be a confident/strong woman who is moving on with your life.  Good Luck, Erica

---------- FOLLOW-UP ----------

QUESTION: Hi...

Does moving on mean dating for the sake of dating.. or just focussing on me.. surrounding myself with great friends and family.. who will be with me no matter what.

The reason I ask this is some of my girlfriends think.. they guy.. "g"  still really likes me...even if he is casually dating more than one person(which I recently found out).  They think I shouldn't give up..They always thought we made a great couple.. But the fact is.. i've done everything I could.. I am  exhausted emotionally.. and I'm done with him... I want to move on.. so now they tell me the best way to move on is to date people.. some even suggested dating people I am not even attracted to... The fact of the matter is.. I've never believed in dating for the sake of dating.. especially when I'm fresh off a relationship.  I generally focus on other things. And then after awhile.. the ex .. really becomes the ex... And I can move on... what do you think?  Are my girlfriends right.. just date anybody right now?

Answer
Hi....
I never date just to date... I make friends... I hang out with all of my friends and family... I stay busy... I do a lot of things that I didn't do throughout my life time, I find new interests... but, I have no desire to just date.... If you are exhausted emotionally the last thing you need to do is take on another situation - emotional or not..... AND, I could never date someone that I wasn't attracted to.  But, I am always open to meeting new people and making new friends..... Warmest Wishes, Erica