Expert: ***ERICA*** - 6/19/2008

Question
hi, my name is Jonathan, i am 19 years old, tall, blonde and quite good looking etc.
i had been going out with this girl (if it helps her name is Rhema) for 17 months. the entire relationship was amazing, we had a perfect time together, we never argued, we had a good healthy intimate relationship, we had been on holiday together, she had said to me on a number of occasions that she could see herself spending the rest of her life with me, basically i couldn't have stumbled across a more perfect girl for me if i had tried. the relationship had been going along perfectly and smoothly until suddenly one day whilst i was round her house she said she didn't think we should be together anymore because she felt that we "weren't meant to be, in the long run" and never will be in the future.

this was about 3 and a half months ago now, i was an absolute mess, i cried almost solidly for two weeks, didn't eat, didn't sleep, didn't go to work, locked myself away in my room for days. i couldn't understand how she had begun to feel that way after everything had been going so well for so long. i tried to meet up with her and in a way compromise with her, tried getting her to work at it, but she had already made her decision and wanted us to just be friends. i wrote her a letter that was 17 pages long about how i felt and it did nothing apart from annoy her

in all honesty i began to pester her a bit too much and we agreed to have nothing to do with each other. for about two months we had no contact whatsoever. until about a month ago we met up and just chilled together for a bit. i now see her again every Sunday at church and very occasionally we meet up for an afternoon as "friends".

it is so hard for me because i haven't moved on, i still feel the same about her and i cannot understand how all of her feelings for me are now gone. i wish there was a way i could get her to access those feelings again for me that she once had.

all my friends have been telling me to get over it and move on, to some extent i have been able to get on with my life now and have fun without her, but there still feels like a gap is missing which she used to fill. i have moved on with my life but not with my feelings and i still want her back. i don't want to just move on and forget about her. i want some advice on what i should be doing now to try and get her love back before its too late, because from being with her recently as "friends" i still get the feeling its possible. please give me a plan to at least try? if i try it and then fail, at least i can say i tried rather than not at all and loosing the most special girl I've ever had in my life.

thanks
Jonathan

Answer
Hi Jonathan,
A breakup is very painful and it takes each person a different amount of time to recover from.  However, if you still want to be with her than being friends really isn't an option because you are going to still have "hope" that maybe you could be more than friends.  We don't know why peoples feelings change and unfortunately we cannot control that, but it happens.  We never get the answers that we long for - the one who leaves us typically just moves on with their life and doesn't care to really give us the answers.  However, you can start living a fabulous life of your own and try to move on.  Easier said than done - I know, but necessary... otherwise you are going to waste a lot of precious time yearning for someone who has clearly told you that they don't want to be in a relationship with you.  Don't beat yourself up over what you did after the breakup - we usually aren't in the right frame of mind when we get rejected, but most importantly keep your self dignity and self respect and move on... You have a great life to lead... Warmest Wishes, Erica